By Kenny Herzog
Hollywood is hiding a dirty secret beneath its celebrities? caked-on make-up and supposedly stunning looks. You might even say there is a mole in its mist??a dark, fleshy, often hairy mole, rising above the surface of La-La Land?s glossy, botoxed exterior.
Thanks to Marilyn Monroe, they?re often considered a mark of beauty and sophistication. But given that us lay folk are made to feel deformed when compared to the flawless glow of the rich and famous, it?s high time we spoke the truth about their aesthetic shortcomings. After all, who hasn?t spent half of Taxi Driver wondering, ?If he?s so crazy, why doesn?t he glug a shot of whiskey and lance that thing off with a knife?? This top-50 list of celebrity moles is devoted purely to those black (or occasionally flesh-colored), hideous appendages that go bump in the night?and on the epidermis of modern pop culture?s allegedly perfect elite.
50) Lemmy Kilmister
Allegedly, they?re actually warts, hence they?re position at the very bottom of this tally. But thanks to Beavis and Butt-Head, the Motorhead madman?s anomalous marks will forever be remembered as cheek-covering ?Cocoa Puffs.? In one of the most insidious examples of hypocritical rock star treatment, Lemmy?s fungi-esque monsters have merely become a focal point for groupie erotica.
49) Thurston Moore
The Sonic Youth guitarist?s gargantuan neck growth doesn?t get as much feedback as his Marshall stacks. But rest assured, that?s merely because it?s shrouded by a no-doubt-well-calculated flop of mop-top blonde hair.
48) Robyn from The Real World: San Diego
It?s hard recall the small details from the silicon-stacked Robyn?s season, or her subsequent Real World/Road Rules Challenge appearances. It?s like asking a child who just saw a ghost to remember what their mother was cooking for dinner downstairs.
47) Topher Grace
Always the poor man?s pin-up boy on That 70?s Show to Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderrama (arguably even to Danny Masterson), Grace has actually developed into the most bona fide leading man of the four. Some might say he?s even leading that competition by a nose?(this is where you look closely at the picture).
46) Donald Faison
Scrubs? Faison might think we?re clueless enough to miss it, but underneath the facial hair lies a mighty fine mole that could use some scrubbing.
45) Richard Masur
Known as the lovable dad in License To Drive and cuddly uncle in My Girl, among other character-actor portrayals, Masur is afflicted with a common-but-oft-overlooked affliction: a preponderance of flesh-colored bumps that cascade from the forehead down to the center of the face.
44) Teri Hatcher
?They? might be real and fantastic, but we can?t say the same about the little somethin? somethin? on your forehead. You don?t have to be Superman to catch that one.
43) Daniel Baldwin
The ?fat Baldwin? doesn’t distinguish himself from his brothers by his rollercoaster weight gains, world-weary stubble and drug-induced runs from the law. It’s his jawbone-grazing growth, which pulls the eye away from his actually quite Baldwin-like green eyes.
42) David Spade
As if the diminutive, whiny comedian didn?t have enough strikes against him, he?s got a bit of Joe?s dirt just beneath his right eye, which, if anything, might keep women from honing in on how unfunny he is.
41) Sarah MacLachlan
The Lillith Fair new-age folkie nearly attains the ultimate double whammy: natural hotness and genuine talent as a singer-songwriter. Unfortunately, she falls just short of both. You?d think her piano had a mole too.
40) Gloria Estefan
She could always pretend her not-quite-beauty mark was a side effect of that bus accident.
39) Ed Helms
It might be a distant memory to fans of The Office?s barbershop-crooning Andy, but back in June 2002, Helms, as a correspondent for The Daily Show, was saddled with a rather unsightly mole. So, Katie Couric-style, he had the sucker sliced off on the air. Not only journalistically courageous, but guaranteed to get him laid a lot more often.
38) Tom Sizemore
Even amidst the grainy night vision of Shooting Sizemore (or his recent porn DVD for that matter), it?s impossible to miss the black hawk that?s downed itself along the surface of his right cheek. Slightly sneaky, as it?s of the barely-above-surface-level variety, Sizemore?s noticeable blotch is, nonetheless, a natural born killer.
37) Marilu Henner
Speaking of which, the originator of the off-putting neck mole, later imitated but not quite duplicated. So subtle and pink, nearly meshing in with the hue of her flesh, but unappetizing nonetheless.
36) Judd Hirsch
You would have thought he could have just taken a taxi to the nearest dermatologist.
35) Randy Quaid
As if being the funhouse-mirror version of his brother Dennis wasn?t harsh enough (or being doomed to repeat his character of Eddie in countless Vacation sequels), Randy was saddled with a not-so-dandy cheek abrasion that somehow perfectly complements his anti-cherubic features.
34) Eva Mendes
The most exotically beautiful woman on this list, and keeper of its most bodacious bod. Blessed with Gina Gershon lips and an endlessly curvaceous Latina figure, Mendes nearly escaped the clutches of this condemnation. But we?d still only bang her from behind.
Mr. Jones? mole is the mark of an intellectual, thrusting from his lower-eyeball-area with knowledge and mystery, like the hip-hop equivalent of Tina Fey?s scar, a prime example of how something that undermines most peoples? beauty enhances other peoples? image as a thinker and an ?artist.?
32) Barbara Hershey
She may have been sinfully irresistible in The Last Temptation Of Christ and cancerously sympathetic in Beaches, but Hershey has a chocolate kiss on her right cheek that nearly trumps all her cinematic feats.
31) Martha Stewart
When all those candid snapshots of Martha emerged during trial, as she appeared tired and devoid of makeup, it became evident that a new line of facial creams might be in the works.
30) Val Kilmer
An oft-overlooked species that resides neatly on the squarest side of his jaw. Some of this Willow star?s female fans might indeed start weeping when they peep this sucker.
29) Jason Schwartzman
Schwartzmann?s particularly dark, presumably rather fuzzy facial accompaniments only enhanced his nerdy, Rushmore image. But now, with more adult roles in period pieces like Marie Antoinette, the alt-actor/wannabe rock star might consider going heavier on the blush.
28) Mandy Moore
So many men keep telling themselves how hot and grown up Moore looked in Entourage. And then they remember they?re superficial weirdos, and therefore, they can?t see through a single brown bubble beside her nose to the otherwise potent combo of adolescent perkiness and buxom adult beauty.
27) Sherilyn Fenn
No wonder Julian Sands boxed Helena and dismembered her. When he called the escort service, he asked for a flawless brunette with porcelain skin. Not some dark-haired Marilyn Monroe wanna-be best known for her work in Just One Of The Guys.
26) Scarlett Johansson
Ever since Britney popped out 37 kids and started flashing her bald vagina, Johansson has become Hollywood?s most anticipated nip slip. What can be obscured amidst the endless cleavage, however, is a series of small, seemingly quite furry friends lacing across her left cheek. And not her butt cheek, which we?re all quite familiar with after the opening scene of Lost In Translation.
25) Natalie Portman
Long Island-by-way-of-Israel?s finest is the first Star Wars participant on this list, and another archetypal example of where an unsightly mole somehow equates to an aura of beyond-her-years sophistication. In reality, she?s getting a better chance of killing erections than Stormtroopers with that thing on her cheek.
24) Goldie Hawn
It would certainly be going, er, overboard to say Goldie?s a preciously perfect La-La land legend. As if kissing her wasn?t hard enough for Kurt Russell with all the collagen, there?s the small matter of a rather large congenital spot on her upper lip.
23) Elizabeth Taylor
Who?s afraid of Virginia Woolf? Or at least that round, hairy patch howling from the left side of her face? All good-hearted people.
22) Jessica Simpson
All the Proactive in the world can?t get rid of that mole on your chin, honey.
21) Sheryl Crow
Hard to say whether Crow was more turned off by Lance Armstrong?s lone testicle or he by the singer?s corner-mouth crater. But our instinct tells us it was an amicable split.
20) Russell Crowe
It?s hard not to be frightened of mocking Ice?s noteworthy nosy neighbor. But hey, he?s a cop killer, not a Kenny killer. Truth is, Ice is sort of a strange-looking dude period (not that his peroxide-blond, large-breasted wife seems to mind), so it could be argued that his mole adds further character to his vicious visage. Or I could just be chickenshit.
18) Sarah Jessica Parker
As if it weren?t bad enough that SJP looked more like Ruth Buzzi than Lauren Bacall. (SatC co-star Kim Cattrall can share these honors.)
17) Matt Damon
Certain websites have honed in on array of back moles, but it doesn?t take much good will or hunting to locate the bulbous bulge on his upper lip. It might become a distinguished mark of class as he ages into elderly statesman status, but as long as he?s a studly sex symbol, it?s an undeniable demerit against his hotness.
16) Charlize Theron
Theron didn?t need the white-trash lesbian makeover to like a Monster. Just check out her Isabella Rosselini-in-Blue Velvet strip-down during Devil?s Advocate for some prime body-splotching. Unfortunately, more was revealed than male adorers bargained for.
15) Josh Hartnett
AHartnett?s noticeable nodule is on particularly bright and vivid display during Sin City?s opening moments. Suffice to say, we?d have no problem contributing to his quest for 40 days of celibacy?particularly if it required necking.
14) Maggie Gyllenhaal
At the risk of being especially cruel, it looks like someone dripped melted chocolate all over her body. It was hard enough enjoying her Secretary sex scene with cuts strewn about her figure, but it didn?t help matters that she mad more moles than a Talpidae compound.
13) Rachel McAdams
Blessed with a too-cute-for-words face, smile full of pearls and Jennifer Garner figure, McAdams? true alias is as a mole-covered actress getting by on charm and a winning grin. Her Orion?s belt begins below the mouth, Harrison Ford-scar-style, and proceeds down across the neck. One might be tempted to trace the pattern a la JFK?s single-bullet demonstration.
12) Ewan McGregor
Indeed, Ewan looks like he moisturizes with toilet water. Many a man has sat slack-jawed as women rattle on about the Scot?s heart-stopping sexiness. It?s as if McGregor?s moles are so pronounced, they?re literally blinding.
11) Angelina Jolie
For all the talk of her luscious lips, endlessly expansive eyes and strong-yet-delicate facial features, there?s a conspicuous refusal to reconcile this serial adopter?s cringe-inducing eyebrow-topper.
10) Enrique Iglesias
One of the few entries on this list to actually, and unabashedly, go under the knife, Iglesias caused nearly as big a stir by removing his hideous hair magnet as he did with the Howard Stern lip-syncing fiasco. Only difference was, Anna wasn?t sleeping with him for the quality of his voice.
9) Christian Bale
Frankly, it?s not even clear what Batman Begins was about. And not just because it was buried beneath Liam Neeson?s psycho-babble. I spent half its runtime trying to buy into a millionaire superhero who could fly across buildings but was too lazy to hail a cab to the nearest cosmetic surgeon.
8) Paula Abdul
Throngs of horny teenagers were blinded into Idol-worshiping masturbatory bliss by Abdul?s ?Cold-Hearted Snake? clip. What they missed amidst the head-to-toe fishnets and leg splits was a chocolate stain on her cheek that may have made them lose their hormonal appetite.
7) Chloe Sevigny
It?s one thing to discover a girl?s bra was mostly padded with tissues. It?s a whole ?nother situation to realize half her bosom?s weight was from an erection-murdering mole. If you listen real carefully when the night?s very still, you can still hear the cumulative echo of a male groan during her nude scene in If These Walls Could Talk.
6) Carlos Beltran
Maybe the only entry with whole Web pages devoted to it (one even alleges they?re trying to warn the slugger of possible skin cancer), Beltran?s upper-ear monstrosity is the Mt. Saint Helens of moles. Let?s just say Mets fans are glad he?s a switch-hitter so they get a reprieve when he bats lefty.
5) Rod Stewart
He might not be forever young, but this former Faces frontman sure has an ageless, and far-from-miniscule, upper-lip appendage. It?s generally viewed as the male doppelganger for Cindy Crawford?s supposedly erotic atrocity. If any of us tried to score while saddled with that thing, they?d assume we have herpes.
4) Julia Roberts
Before a hideous, rumored-to-be-health-threatening monster was detected on the pretty woman?s left breast, it was her lower-eye that captured out mortified gaze.
3) Aaron Neville
The Mardi Gras of moles. The Hurricane Katrina of forehead deformation. Not to eyebrow-beat the point, but this thing brings to mind that scene in So I Married An Axe Murder, when Mike Myers (playing a vicious Scottish uncle) berates his grandkid for having a giant head that sucks in the entire room.
2) Cindy Crawford
The Mola Lisa. The post-Monroe reason subsequent generations of celeb-worshippers misconstrued a cosmetic affliction with a symbol of exotic beauty. A fat, homeless woman scavenging through recycling cans is saddled with one and it?s just insult to injury. Crawford prances around a catwalk with a virtual groundhog on her upper lip and she?s a one-of-a-kind stunner.
1) Robert DeNiro
It?s been mocked in sketch comedy, exaggerated by cartoonists and poked fun at in the man?s own films. (See: Meet The Fockers? On second thought, don?t.) DeNiro has done for moles what Traci Lords did for statutory rape. It?s only a matter of time till he does a buddy comedy with Ron Jeremy.