Transformers: The Toy: The Movie Becomes Transformers: The Toy: The Movie: The Ride

“Transformers,” the electrifying blockbuster celebrated for its multi-generational appeal, inventive storyline, spectacular action sequences and special effects, will now be developed as a new theme park mega-attraction in a partnership between Universal Parks & Resorts, Hasbro, Inc. and DreamWorks Pictures.

The attraction will fuse 3D-HD media, mega special effects and stunning robotics with a ride system that will transform perceptions of theme park experiences. The rides are scheduled to make their debuts in early 2011…

Larry Kurzweil, President and Chief Operating Officer, Universal Studios Hollywood, said “‘Transformers’ represents a perfect match for our theme park: an exhilarating blockbuster with a great story, clever humor, non-stop action and flawless special effects. It has all the elements necessary to become one of the world’s most exciting theme park rides and a centerpiece attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood, The Entertainment Capital of L.A.”

I talked to my source deep inside Universal Studios, and found out what they’re planning for the ride:

? Appearances by all the movie Transformers in robot form, authentic in that they all are indistinguishable from each other
? Each of the ride’s cars will speak only in radio broadcasts snippits, although none of their recordings include a simple “Yes” or “No”
? One wacky black man yelling at his mother/grandmother/female family member every 500 yards
? An actual Frenzy robot, who leaps and minces about the ride, mugging for the camera at every opportunity
? The ride stops to stare at Megan Fox’s belly for a full 15 minutes
? An appearance by Scorponok, the retarded Decepticon, who chose to hide on Earth by transforming into a giant fucking robot scorpion
? A looped broadcast of Shia the Beef saying, “No no no no no” for the ride’s entirety
? A scale model of Bumblebee which pees on all passengers as they exit (Via Coming Soon)