There’s a common misconception imbedded in the general public that nerds cannot get any. We’re too awkward or anti-social or have cartoonishly high pitched voices. Those of us within the culture know that this view has shifted in recent years (what with nerds being trendy now and all) but it may help explain why sci-fi movies are filled with some of the most insane sex scenes in cinema history. The genre lends itself well to bizarre, pantless situations and the boundless technology amidst the background of space certainly makes one ponder how boring Earth-sex can be perverted to include werecats, virtual reality, and aliens that feed off pheromones. There are plenty of actual sci-fi pornos (Flesh Gordon, Latex and Shock) but it’s the love making within mainstream sci-fi that stands out and burns deep into the brain of the audience.
So let’s kick back and take a look at the best love making in sci-fi — although be warned, despite Topless Robot’s saucy and ludicrous name, we’re not showing the naughty scenes in question. Instead, we’ve got the closest SFW approximation we can find on YouTube. This means this list is ACTUALLY SAFE FOR WORK (sorry, perverts — but on the bright side, you clearly have an internet connection, so you can likely find the real deals in less than a minute).
7) Cat People
Irena Gallier is an average young woman working at a zoo gift shop who just happens to be a werecat. Being a werecat comes with the inconvenience of transforming into a panther every time you’re trying to have sex and the only way to change back into human form is to kill someone. Total bummer. Werecats are also incestuous by nature, so sleeping with one of your siblings will actually not result in a metamorphsis. Good grief, that’s a lot to remember. Most kids have trouble remembering a condom when they go out. A truly shitty movie but Malcolm McDowell is epically creepy and the transformation scenes feature feline full-frontal.
6) Demolition Man
“Kids, smoking, and a desire to raid the fridge.” In the mind of John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone), that is what good old-fashioned sex leads to. But in 2032, the exchange of bodily fluids is outlawed (even kissing on the mouth!) which is great for the audience because seeing Stallone and Sandra Bullock roll around in the sheets would cause many to drop their Sno-Caps and head to the nearest monastery. Instead, Bullock busts out some futuristic VR helmets and they “think” about sex. Stallone, unfulfilled, goes home and knits. For real.
5) Starship Troopers
A bastardization of Heinlein’s Hugo Award winning novel but pretty hilarious (and exceedingly violent) satire, the film version of Starship Troopers featured a young, attractive cast dealing with rampaging bugs and locker room drama. In probably the most straight forward sex scene of this list, Johnny Rico cheats on his girlfriend Carmen with a woman named Dizzy (she’s probably ‘Very Dizzy’ once Casper Van Dien is through with her! Right, guys? Looks around for the high-five). Who can blame him though? Carmen is off in Flight School with Johnny’s high school rival Zander while he’s stuck in the Mobile Infantry. Besides, Rico can’t even take a cold shower, because the showers of the future are co-ed.
4) Liquid Sky
Dig this for a plot, pussycats: Aliens land in 1982 New York and infiltrate the junkie-art scene so they can feed off the endorphins discharged during heroin use. These invisible creatures live in the loft of bisexual coke-addict Margaret (played by Anne Carlise, you know, the woman who played the trannie in Crocodile Dundee). Amidst all the drugs and suicide-inducing music, the aliens realize that the endorphins released during orgasms are much more delicious and they begin fueling off of them instead. Margaret’s sex partners are killed during intercourse, but the aliens do her a solid and begin vaporizing the bodies, giving Margaret more time for face-painting and tripped-out diatribes. In the above clip, Adrian, Margaret’s girlfriend and drug-dealer, delivers a line I’ve often spoken myself many times before intercourse: “I bet you $300 I can fuck Margaret and not die.”
Roger Donaldson’s 1995 Species contains some truly infamous sex scenes, not only in sci-fi, but in cinema across the board. Human-Alien hybrid Sil (played by supermodel Natasha Henstridge) is a nympho who fishes for men in the L.A. singles scene; looking for a mate to knock her up and start the colonization. She ferociously seduces men and kills them after the “seed” is planted. Sil gets down in a few scenes, but it’s the hot tub scene that burned itself into the psyche of a generation of teenage boys. However, as sexy and Giger-riffic as the scene is, Sil uses a very off-the-cuff line that would have most men bolting for the door: “Don’t leave… I want a baby.” Uhhh… yeah me too, but, erhm, Battlestar is on in a bit. I’ll call you, really. Dinner’s on me next time.
Based on the 1973 novel by Dean Koontz, Donald Cammell’s 1977 Demonseed features some rather disturbing artificial intelligence system-on-human sex. Said system is called Proteus IV, a “quasi-neural matrix” which manages to take over the computer system managing Dr. Alex Harris’ house. Proteus then terrorizes Susan, the wife of Alex, in true HAL-like fashion. After much coaxing — killing Alex and threatening to kill a young girl – Susan complies with Proteus’ wishes of having a child. Maybe next time, Proteus should just try getting her drunk, like the rest of us. I know what you’re thinking: how does an AI system impregnate a woman? Well, Proteus takes some of Susan’s cells and genetically alters them. Then these altered cells are used as “synthetic spermatozoa” and inserted into Susan. Sex has never sounded so gross. The robo-insemenation is a success and Susan becomes pregnant with a hybrid that will be done cooking in 28 days. The ending is pretty damn disturbing and may make you never want to have a child. I drowned mine after watching this.
The Bible of erotic science fiction, Roger Vadim’s Barbarella (an adaptation of the French comic book by the same name) is full of humorous sexual situations and awesomely silly dialogue: “Bummed in the gob,” anyone? While no actual explicit a
cts are shown, the movie makes up for it by being increasingly absurd. No time is wasted and the movie begins with Barbarella (Jane Fonda) undressing in zero gravity over the opening credits. From there, Barbarella has pill-sex with a man named Dildano (which makes her hair curl for some reason) and snogs an angel named Pygar — giving him the will to fly again. But the craziest scene features the Excessive Machine; a torture device resembling an organ from Lilliput that kills through sexual pleasure. Sounds like the only way to go. It turns out to be the machine that can’t handle Barbarella and the piece of shit breaks down. A remake is in the works with Robert Rodriguez heading, but it’ll be a cold day in hell if any movie, remake or otherwise, will pop more nerd boners across the galaxy than Barbarella.