Miscellaneous, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: Edward and Bella in “The Monster and the Man”



Last week, someone complained about the lack of heterosexual fan fiction featured on FFF, and I wanted to clarify something. I really don’t want anyone to think I have a problem with homosexuality, or think that’s it worthy of ridicule; it’s just that if a fan fic author is going out of his/her way to make a clearly heterosexual (or asexual) character homosexual, it’s more likely they’ll also indulge in more insane shenanigans, which is what I’m looking to share. For instance, there’s a great many in-character stories about Torchwood’s Captain Jack having sex with guys; I have no problem with them except that they’re boring.

So I decided I’d hunt down a fic about nerdery’s favorite heterosexual-couple-who-adamantly-refuses-to-have sex, the feeble-minded sparkly vampire Edward Cullen and pale Stephanie Meyer doppleganger Bella Swan, the leads of Twilight. Believe me, there’s a shit-ton of Twilight fan fics, but all I know is these two characters. Happily, they’re all you need to know too, although if you’ve read the first book or seen the movie (hopefully with the Rifftrax), you’ll definitely be all right. For the rest of you, let author KariAnn catch you up:

The timeframe of this fic takes place within Twilight/Midnight Sun,
sometime after Edward starts regularly spending the night in Bella’s
bedroom – after she becomes aware of his nocturnal visits, of course.
Edward POV.

Oh, it’s nothing inappropriate — Edward just breaks into Bella’s bedroom and watches her sleep for many, many nights, lusting after her blood while it never occurrs to either of the teenagers to, you know, fuck. It is this oddity that KariAnn’s epic addresses.

I knew, in retrospect, that I should have turned around and left as
swiftly as I’d entered. As I landed soundlessly in her small, untidy
bedroom in my usual graceful manner my senses were immediately
assaulted by the potent scent of her blood, her hair, her skin, but it
was somehow more . . . heady, more staggeringly dominant this evening. …

A moment later she entered the room and several things registered at
once: Her luminous smile as her brown eyes met mine; the way her
heartbeat automatically sped up at the mere sight of me, her blood
quickening in her veins as a result. I registered, vaguely, that I’d
been correct. She was indeed wearing a new set of pajamas: plain, blue
cotton pants and a matching blue camisole that, when it came down to
it, didn’t leave much to the imagination. The fabric clung to her
enticingly, showing off the perfectly round shape of her small but firm
breasts and the creamy, delectable skin of her rounded shoulders,
throat, and chest, which was heaving from her accelerated breathing. A
decidedly human instinct arose in me then; a decidedly male human instinct at that, so powerful that it fought and struggled against the other
instinct that had arisen in me at the exact same time: the less human,
more monstrous instinct that caused my throat to burn uncontrollably
and the venom to pool in my mouth.

I cannot possibly warn you enough about what horrors are in store for you. Please, if you’ve ever chickened out on an FFF before, please skip this one. If you’ve just eaten or have a weak stomach, do not read this story. But by all means, if you think you want the legendary Pok?mon story, read this first; if you cannot handle this, you certainly can’t handle that.

Hit the jump, and prepare to have reality change for you forever.

As I fought to control both extraordinarily powerful urges, I realized
the reason that her scent, upon first entering her bedroom, had seemed
so much more commanding than usual: She was menstruating. The scent
washed over me like a tidal wave, blinding me, tossing me, pulling me
into its depths.

Yes. Bella is menstrating, and since Edward can smell her blood on normal days, her period is rocking his world.

I’d been around her while she was menstruating before, obviously. Those
days I had chosen to absent myself using hunting as my excuse. However,
this had been unexpected. I’d just been with her at school today and
her scent, while always ridiculously potent, hadn’t seemed any more
alluring than normal. I was caught unawares, frozen like a deer in the
headlights, so to speak. Should I leave? Did I trust myself enough not
to hurt her with the aroma of her feminine blood emanating from her,
saturating the very air around her?

All this I cataloged in a matter of seconds. She was just now moving
toward me, her arms outstretched in greeting, that enticing smile
lighting up her face. The confusion of wanting to stay more than
anything but needing to go more than anything, for her sake, tore
through me, freezing me to the bed.
Control. I am in control. I will not harm Bella, my life and my love.

Okay. Here’s a more mundane horror of horrible writing, but after that, it’s pure apocalyptic disaster, my friends.

“Edward,” she murmured against my chest, causing my lips to pull up in
a tender smile against her hair. No matter how recently we’d seen each
other, she always greeted me as if we were reuniting after a
particularly extended separation. It was something I would never tire

“Bella, my love,” I replied with a low chuckle, pulling back so that I could peer at her face.

She was gazing up at me with that look that I had come to know as her
“dazzled” expression, all wide eyes, slightly parted lips, and hitched
breathing. And I merely had to say her name.

We gazed at each other for one pregnant moment before she impatiently
stood on the tips of her toes, pressing her soft lips against my marble
ones. I responded, tightening my arms around her ever so slightly,
returning her kiss, molding my lips more fully against hers.

Her scent was intoxicating; overwhelming. She
was intoxicating, and in more than one way. Gently, hesitantly, I
pulled my lips from hers, carefully extracting her arms from around my
waist. If I continued to kiss her I wasn’t sure how well my resolve
would hold. I couldn’t afford to make any mistakes – not with Bella.

This is it. No turning back. I don’t even have any words to add to the horror tha’s about to unfold. I’ll try to include some safety pictures, jus to give you guys breaks. See you on the other side.

Gently, I placed a kiss on the corner of her mouth, tucking an errant
strand of hair behind her ear. After that I’m not sure how long I
simply watched Bella, contemplating her beauty; contemplating the
unexpected, unfathomable love we shared. …

At that moment I became aware of several things at once. A fresh,
staggeringly potent whiff of her feminine blood hit my nostrils at
once, rendering me almost incapable of thought. Startled, I pulled away
slightly to examine the source of the sudden onslaught, my eyes taking
in the patch of deep crimson spreading out in a wide arc on the bum of
her new pajama bottoms. The next thing I became aware of was that there
was another scent intermingled with the already-overwhelming scent of
the blood; a tangy, sweet aroma that I immediately recognized as the
scent of Bella’s arousal.


On top of that I was suddenly, unbearably aroused beyond the bounds of
endurance. To make matters worse I realized that Bella was moaning my
name, and not in an innocent way. Suddenly she rolled onto her back and
I saw the moisture glistening on her slightly parted lips, the flush of
her cheeks, and the blood thundering just below the surface of her soft

“Edwaaard . . .” she moaned, her chest heaving. Her nipples were erect through the thin top, enticing and inviting.

I had to get out of there. I had to right now. I was losing control. …

My body still not cooperating with my brain, I realized my hands were
reaching for Bella as if of their own accord. My thumbs dragged almost
roughly over her rounded breasts and across the taut peaks of her
nipples, my hands coming to settle on her hips. My erection throbbed
almost painfully in my loose trousers while my mouth swam with venom,
my two insatiable appetites driving me onward while my brain screamed
at me to stop.

Before I even realized what I was doing, my hands were dragging down
Bella’s pajama bottoms, taking her panties and the thick pad attached
with them. I think I might’ve ripped the material in my haste to remove
her clothing, but I couldn’t be sure. The next thing I knew, Bella was
wide awake, a mixture of confusion and arousal on her face that I
might’ve found amusing had I not been so focused on my task.


“Edward, wha . . .?”

Her question hung in the air as I pushed her knees apart without
preamble, and I was hit full on with the ridiculously delicious
intermingled scents of her blood and arousal. I could see both liquids
glistening in the dark curls of her sex and on the swollen folds just
beneath the hair. …

No longer able to stop myself, I spread Bella’s trembling, milky thighs
apart even further, dipping my tongue to lap up the blood that was
already pooling against her buttocks. The taste of her blood was what I
imagine a shot of heroine to be like to a human, only a hundred times
more potent; a hundred times more all-consuming and powerful.

My throat burned with it and my mouth dripped with venom as I lapped up
the blood, dragging my tongue in long strokes up the folds of her sex,
seeking every last drop, the tangy flavor of her arousal mixed in with
the blood only adding to its indescribable flavor.


There was nothing like this; there had never been anything like this.
None of the evildoers I’d done away with during my vigilante days had
tasted like this. There was absolutely no comparison.

Dimly, I was aware of the feel of Bella’s fingers gripping in my hair,
encouraging me, low moans escaping from her mouth despite her attempts
to stifle them with her fist. Her fist that had been clutching my hair
suddenly moved up her body to knead at her own right breast through her
thin shirt.

I groaned against Bella’s hot flesh, once again very aware of my
persistent erection. However, the taste of her feminine blood, sweet on
my tongue, was enough to drive thoughts of that other need out of my
head. For now, anyway.

As my tongue finished lapping up all the blood from her folds, I sought
her core, delving my tongue inside her tight passage, seeking out as
much of the sweet nectar from her womb as I possibly could. As I did
so, Bella’s hips bucked violently beneath me.

“Edward, Edward, Edward,” she was now chanting, her fist that had been
shoved in her mouth now clutching at her own hair while her other
continued to knead and pinch at her own breasts. I groaned again,
overwhelmed, as a sudden image of Bella appeared in my head, pleasuring
herself, touching her own breasts and sex while she thought of me . . .
I couldn’t help but wonder, even as I sought the blood from her womb,
whether she ever pleasured herself while thinking of me . . .


Snaking one hand through the curls of her sex, I sought out the bundle
of nerves nestled right above her entrance. Once again her body rocked
violently as I touched this particularly sensitive area. I applied a
steady pressure while stroking it in a rapid motion. At the same time,
I concentrated less on lapping her blood and more on fucking her with
my tongue in time with the strokes of my fingers on her clit.

While it was true that I had no experience with this sort of thing, I had had plenty of
time for reading about it. Although admittedly, before meeting Bella
all things concerning sex had been purely an academic curiosity. Now, I
was more than happy to be able to apply my knowledge.

I continued with the pace, fucking Bella with my mouth, periodically
licking up another trickle of her sweet blood as it found its way out
of her womb. She was moaning quite loudly now, and I had to concentrate
to make sure that Charlie hadn’t stirred from his place on the couch
downstairs, and more importantly I had to concentrate on applying just
the right amount of pressure to her sex while I stroked her to
completion. I cringed to think what would happen if I lost my
concentration and applied just a miniscule amount of too much pressure
. . .

The next thing I became aware of was Bella’s muscles pulsing and
squeezing around my tongue, and my name falling from her lips with an
even greater fervor. Glancing up, I saw that she was now gripping her
breasts and hair even harder, a lusty, abandoned look on her face that
I found to be maddeningly sensual.

I continued to stroke and lick until her body stilled and her trembling
thighs relaxed on either side of my head. And then there was no sound
except the still-wildly beating of her heart, her labored breathing,
and the blood pulsing through her veins, louder than ever.


I pulled my head from her center, licking my lips and tasting her blood
and arousal, the two sweetest tastes on earth. And that’s when my eyes
caught it: the pulsing blue vein on the crook of her leg where it
connected to her hip. The taste of her blood still so fresh and sweet
on my lips, I found this other access to that intoxicating blood
irresistible. I had but to sink my teeth into that oh-so-supple, creamy
flesh, and I would feel her fresh, hot blood spilling once again over
my tongue, my lips . . . spilling over my very being . . .

I kissed that vein, feeling it pulse with life beneath my open-mouthed
caresses. My mouth flooding with venom, I snaked out my tongue, tracing
that purple streak that stood out in stark contrast against her creamy
flesh. So utterly decadent . . .

Bella! That voice that I’d been ignoring screamed in my head. This is Bella! Get a hold of yourself!

I pulled my head away abruptly, sliding up her body and pressing a kiss
to her lips as I attempted to regain control over myself. I’d almost
bit Bella . . .

But I didn’t. I stopped.

Well fucking done, Edward. You’re a vampire who didn’t bite his girlfriend. However, you just took a private ride on her menstral cycle, so I wouldn’t start patting yourself on the back just yet.

Bella kissed me back hungrily. If the taste of her own menstrual blood
and arousal disgusted her she didn’t show it. Far from sated, that
lusty, heavy-lidded look remained on her face. She was the most
beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

It disgusted me, and I’m showing it by plucking out my own eyes and throwing them across the room. Does that count?

“Edward . . . please. I want it . . . so bad.”

Abruptly I became aware that her legs were clamped tightly around my
waist, my erection pressed against the wet, tantalizing heat of her
opening. I’d been so concerned over the fact that I’d nearly bitten her
that I’d failed to register this fact until just now. I didn’t even
remember taking off my pants. Odd.

Well, we’ve all been there, admittedly.

She groaned in an odd mixture of pleasure and frustration at the
feeling, biting down on her lower lip. All it would take is one thrust,
and I’d be buried to the hilt in her slick, wet heat. Just one little
movement is all it would take. It would be so easy, and then I’d know
true bliss . . .

You could crush her. One slip in concentration is all it would take.
One miniscule miscalculation of pressure and you could destroy her
womb; crush every bone in her lower body, as well as her internal
organs. You could break her as easily as if she were made of porcelain.

“Edwaaard . . . .” she groaned, practically in tears of frustration.

I groaned in a frustration of my own. To feel what it’s finally like,
to move inside her, her slick walls tight and exquisite around me . . .

You could hurt her. You could kill her. Don’t you think you already pressed your luck tonight? You already almost bit her.

If I had any doubts that abstinence only programs were evil, I think this story would have erased them. Teens — please fuck each other silly. Anything that prevents you from following the sparkly vampire’s example above. Please.

With the absolute last tiny thread of my remaining resolve, I tore
myself away from her, flinging myself across the room while
simultaneously pulling up my trousers. I had to get out of there. If I
didn’t I would kill her. I couldn’t lose control with her like that.
“Bella, I’m so sorry,” I said as I backed toward the window.

She was sitting up in bed, a look of confusion and lust on her beautiful, wide-eyed face.

“Forgive me, my love,” I said before throwing myself bodily from her
window, not stopping long enough to give her a chance to react. I
couldn’t afford to linger. The room was heavy with the perfume of her
blood and her arousal.

I ran as fast as I could all the way home, the foliage racing by in a
black blur. I saw nothing. My thoughts were blinding me. I lost control. I nearly killed her.
In that moment I’d never felt more revulsion, more self-disgust and
hatred over the nature of what I was, and remorse over what I couldn’t
be for Bella: human – a normal human man who could make love to her
without the risk of killing her.

She doesn’t want a normal human man. She wants you.

I sighed in disgust. It was a well-established fact that what Bella
wanted and what Bella needed were two entirely different things. I was
poison. This could only end badly.

Well, it started badly and has continued badly, so that would be a pretty safe guess, Edward. Now for the classy epilogue to this tale of terror:

I laughed humorlessly at myself, realizing that I needed a human
moment. I stripped off my clothes, turned on the water, and stepped
into the ice-cold downpour. I barely felt it. I probably should’ve
known that a cold shower would be ineffective on a vampire, I thought

Feeling disgusted with myself, I realized that I was about to do
something that I hadn’t felt compelled to do in the last
eighty-something years. I braced one hand against the cold tiles, my
other hand grasping my still-erect penis in a firm grip. …

And all it took for my undoing was one exquisite, extraordinary
creature with big brown eyes and the creamy skin of an angel. I
groaned, stroking myself harder toward my release as I remembered her
writhing beneath me, her hands clutching at her own breasts, tangling
in my hair. My name spilling from her lips in breathy, lusty gasps . . .

It didn’t take me long. With one final, guttural moan, my toxic seed
spilled on the cold tiles to be washed away by the icy water. I braced
my forehead against the tiles, reveling in the relief I felt at having
the tension released, but at the same time feeling shame wash over me
at the thought of how weak I was. How utterly lacking in self-control.
I could have killed Bella tonight.

With a sigh I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower,
drying and dressing quickly. It wouldn’t happen again, I vowed. I knew
that I didn’t have the strength to stay away from her, but I would not put her life in jeopardy like that again. I would simply have to be more careful from now on. No more mistakes.

Some mistakes can never be undone, Edward. For instance, none of us will ever be able to unread this nightmare. And we’ll have to go on pretending that the universe isn’t full of unspeakable evil and that life is worth living, WHICH IT CLEARLY FUCKING ISN’T. IF WE’RE BREATHING THE SAME OXYGEN THAT THE AUTHOR OF “EDWARD MEETS BELLA’S AUNT FLO” (and they get along great! Whee!) THEN LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A MOCKERY FULL OF HORRORS THAT NONE OF US DESERVE TO HAVE TO ENDURE.

So. Who’s stll up for the Pok?mon story?

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