?By Brian Heiler
Batman: World’s Greatest Detective, dangerous psychotic, and king of comic merchandise. Only Spider-Man comes close to the amount of crap batman has peddled over the last 60 or so years with his iconic Bat-logo on it. Surely, there have been some fantastic figures, some fun costumes, and other assorted doodads generated, but there has also been some baffling — and sometimes, some downright wrong — merchandise that Bats has inadvertently shilled. Here are 9 examples even the Joker would think is crazy.
9) Batman Pi?ata
I guess this is more or less to let children experience being the Joker and the joy of bludgeoning someone to death with a baseball bat. On the other hand, if Batman had “died” in Final Crisis and immediately turned into a pile of cheap toys and delicious candy, it really wouldn’t have been weirder than anything else in that series.
8) Batman Crazy Foam
As cool and fun as this can of soap looked to us as kids, it really is just Batman vomiting on you while you are naked.
7) Batman Train Car
Despite the endless array of vehicles in the Batcave, a train seems particularly ill-suited to Batman’s needs. First of all, unless criminals commit crime on the train route, it’s not really going to help Batman get there. Second, criminals could very easily follow the tracks back to the Batcave. Maybe this is the preferred mode of transportation for some alternate universe Batman where he’s also a boxcar hobo.
6) Batman Desk Set
Question: Does the fact that this has Batman on it overcome the fact that it’s a lousy stationary set? Sure, the Joker stapler is kind of awesome — although he seems to have some extra junk in his trunk — and the “Sharpens Pencils!” sound effect on the Batman pencil sharpener deserves to go in some hall of fame somewhere. But what the hell is going on with the Bat-logo? Is “25” a date? A time? And why can’t it hold more than one pencil?
5) Elastico Batman Doll
Coveted by collectors now but probably one of the more ridiculous items produced by Mego, it harkens back to the sillier periods of the ’50s. One can imagine this on the cover of Detective with a caption “The Corn Syrup Crime Fighter.” As an added bonus, these figures were notorious for exploding, giving the illusion that Batman was dying from a gaping flesh wound.
4) Batman Bat N Balls
Produced by HG toys in the 1970s, this bat was part of an actually logical line of super hero toys that included a Green Arrow Archery set, Wonder Woman skipping rope and an Aquaman floatation device. Batman was the rare dud in this line, shoehorned in no doubt for some star power. Please feel free to insert your own To Catch a Predator joke in here.
3) Batman Water Pistol
Pump Batman’s genitals and he’ll projectile vomit on your friends and family. There really isn’t anything right about this incredible device, and one has to wonder if this was done intentionally.
2) Batman and the Joker Electronic Target Game
It’s clear the good people at Vanity Fair were not comic readers when they made a Batman version of their popular cowboy target game. The concept has you, as Batman, shooting the Joker dead with a revolver. Whether you want to turn yourself into the police or toss yourself off a ledge in the Batcave for breaking your one, solemn rule is entirely up to you.
1) Ben Cooper Batman Mask
Rather than simply produce a cowl, Ben Cooper went all out and gave you Batman’s whole face to wear. The result is truly chilling as it resembles some sort of octogenarian escapee from a mental hospital. To add insult to injury, Ben Cooper added the Bat logo to top of the mask in case someone couldn’t figure out what it’s supposed to be. On the plus side, wearing this in public would certainly strike terror in the hearts of men…