Movies, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: Yoda in “Yoda and Tequila”



?I hate to disappoint, but today’s FFF is a tad on the short side (personal reasons), but I would like to think it what it lacks in quantity, it makes up for in quality. Because in this wonderful story by blazemaster90, titled “Yoda and Tequila,” Yoda drinks tequila. And that should be all you need to know. I assure you, not a single character has been edited out, as you must experience this in its full glory. And so we begin:

it is quite night we find anakin skywalker walking the streets when all
of a sudden a man had just robed some women anakin runs after the man

He robed them? Were they nude? Quite nice of the chap, I must say!

anakin:stop! get back

as anakin call out the man keeps running. going through a crowd he
sneeks in to a night anakin follows him in. anakin see’s the guy and
use his force pull

guy:what the fuck are you doing muthafucker

anakin:shut up

I KNOW, RIGHT? Hit the jump, muthafucker!

anakin then punches the guy in the face knocking him the police came
and took the guy to jail. as anakin is about to leave he notced some
people chatting go go go go anakin went to go see what was going on.
anakin was shocked of what he saw. it was master yoda dacing with
stripers and drink a bottle of tequila.

Stripers? Like candy stripers? Old school, master Yoda!

yoda:oh yes shack that ass

JTto reiterate, this is what Yoda just said:
You may now continue.


anakin:master yoda what are doing

yoda:oh fuck!


yoda was shocked to see anakin. no jedi new that yoda would do this

yoda: oh skywalker what are you doing hear

anakin:what am i doing hear you ask what are you doing. and this against the code of the jedi

yoda: look anakin come with me and i will exeplain

as yoda gets off the stage anakin starts to follow him to a backroom
the back room looks like it is resrved for yoda. in the room you find
hoes every

I know this is fan fiction, but is any Star Wars fan really surprised to discover Yoda has his own private room in the nearby strip joint? I mean, I thought it’d be full of strippers instead of gardening implements, but I was certain he had the room.

anakin: so master start explaining

yoda: well you see skywalker i come hear to un wind to have some
fucking fun it all happed 2 years a ago when by accaidit i drank a
whole bottle of tequila i was drunk as fuck i was cussing fuck hoes
doing crazy shit that jedi do not do but i relized i berly remaber any
of it and what i dont rember does’t hert me or others

You may now continue.

anakin:so you saying i can have bear and do crazy shit

What? I’m so baffled I can’t even make fun of this. If Obi-Wan gets a bear, he can then fuck hoes? Or even hos? Does he have to get the bear drunk? Does he have to fuck the bear? Off-screen in ESB, did Yoda keep telling Luke to find a goddamn bear, and that’s why Luke left before his training ended? Madness!

yoda:no bear is not good does not get you drunk drink tequila then it is ok

Oh, beer. I’m not lying when I tell you I read this thing a dozen times before i figured out that Obi-wan was talking about beer, because I was so delighted by the idea of Star Wars characters getting drunk on bear.

anakin:i see if i drink alot of tequila i can do crazy shit and have sex with girls

Again, this is so in character for Obi-Wan it’s scarcely fan fiction, right?

yoda:yes but the girls must be hoes like these bitches up hear because with hoes you dont feel love for them

Even drunk on tequila, Yoda is a font of wisdom.

anakin:ok then give me that tequila

THE END. In case you need a visual reminder of Yoda’s most important lesson:

And I believe that’s enough life lessons for all of us today. And don’t worry, I have a great, far-too-long story full of delightful scat-play for you next week, just in case you were thinking bitching how short this week’s installment was.

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