Best/Worst Halloween: And the Winners Are…

?I know I’m a terrible typist and self-proofreader, but have I seriously been unintelligible EVERY SINGLE TIME in these contests I’ve asked you greedy little monkeys to keep it brief? Evil Flying Jesus, although there were less than 200 entries — pretty low for TR contests in these halcyon days — it took me all Monday night to read them, except for a tiny break to get mentally and emotionally abused by Heroes. And it’s not like it did you guys any good, because the entries were too long to excerpt, meaning you get the old-school quick version of the Honorable Mentions:

BEST STORIES:
? Mike, for FRUIT PUNCH
? Jess, for being a pink dinosaur Indian princess named Tiger Lily
? Jenn the Henn, for “the almost orgasmic majesty that was the Fish”
? Kevsama, for rising well before the third day
? Torso777, for having a ninja turtle kick Dracula’s ass
? The PR0F3SS0R, for doin’ it froggy style
? moothejow, for the potatoes
? Michael, for drunkenly kicking Jason’s ass

WORST STORIES:
? Mad Mutt, for neither forgiving nor forgetting
? Shoe, for utterly forgetting my mandate that NO ONE ACTUALLY DIE in these stories
? TheHolyFX for getting sexually assaulted by his elderly great-aunt
? Jolly Bitch, for the repercussions of having a well-known dentist as a dad
? Lily412 for DIOS MIO!
? Bradley547, for staying in character
? Sonya, for having gender roles brutally enforced on her
? NorthSteve, for having non-gender roles secretly enforced on him
? Dalton, for believing a boy could fly
? Drew Blank, for secretly wearing a Charlie Brown costume
? Tommy, for ignoring gender roles forced on him, brutally or otherwise
? Andrea, for her unwilling membership in the child hobo army
? LJSLarsson, for his unwilling membership in the dragonslaying hobo army
? Nate, for giving a neighbor the evilest eye of all time

Winners are after the jump.

Let’s start with the worst, shall we? Despite some incredibly bad nights — break-ups, assaults, candy theft by bullies — there was a clear winner in the worst column, and I’m reasonably confident you’ll agree:

?Tierney said:

Worst. Always Worst.
I was ten years old and dressed as Tom Baker’s Doctor Who. It was the annual Halloween bash at the Elk’s lodge so my odds of being mocked for my PBS friendly costume were pretty low. What I remember of the party was fantastic. Costumes, contests and games — one of which was bobbing for apples from a large metal washtub.
It’s my turn to bob. I step forward and I hit a puddle on the floor. I topple forward into the metal tub and in the process crush my windpipe on the rim.
My next real memory is of the week before Christmas. I remember bits and pieces of being in the hospital but not much of the details. To this day I do still have the trace of the scar from a tracheotomy.
I had to make up all my schoolwork over the course of Christmas break so I wouldn’t be held back a grade. The Halloween accident pretty much killed two of my favorite holidays in one windpipe crushing move.
In a weird way I owe Doctor Who my life. I was told that the giant Tom Baker scarf had padded a lot of the impact and kept my spine intact.

Yes, crushing your larynx and losing two months out of your life is pretty crappy, Tierney. I’m sure it’ll be all worthwhile knowing that it earned you a free shirt from a nerd blog. I hope it protects you as well as your Tom Baker scarf did, although I also sincerely hope you never put it to a similar test. As for the best story, this was harder — lots of love connections, assaults (in a good way!), and awesome, awesome costumes. But it had to come down to one…

?Katie said:

Oh yes!
My best halloween ever was the year I went as a pink Power Ranger. My mom made me the costume from scratch like she did every year, even making some pull over boot things. I also had my AMAZING Power Morpher from McDonalds (which was probably the greatest Happy Meal Toy I ever got). I even had pink Power Ranger gloves that had little buttons in them that made “HIYA!” and “SWOOSH” noises. Those gloves were awesome.
::sigh::
Anyway. Me and my best friend Eric had our stupid pictures taken before we went out trick-or-treating. I got a butload of candy and I was coming home in that exhausted pre-sugar Halloween crash when some asshole kid dressed as the fucking red Power Ranger runs over to me and pushes me saying, “Pink is for girls. Girls are stupid.”
I didn’t even know this kid, but I didn’t have a problem using all of the strength I had left to get some momentum going in my pillow case of candy and slam it square into the center of his back. He fell and before I walked away, I pressed the button on my glove that when “HIYA!” and did the most awesome ninja kick ever.
My dad was so proud of me, he let me stay up and watch Walker Texas Ranger with him while my mom slept and we ate candy and drank coffee.

As I said, many people had a similar tale of beating up a Halloween foe, but Katie did it with such style that I have to award her the shirt. Whether that stacks up to a late-night episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, well… I know better than to ask.I hope you all had a happy Halloween — except for those people I know didn’t, because they said as much in the comments. I do hope they entertained you some while everything sucked. If it make you guys feel any better, I’m 90% certain I gave myself a mild concussion on Friday night, so that I went to bed at 9pm on Halloween. Whee. You have my empathies.