Movies, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: “Alvan an the Chipmunks 3: The Second Squeakuel”



?Today’s story is from Hunterjeanmidna, an author I’m not convinced isn’t just a fake profile for writing nonsense. Still, as always, there’s a line between slyly writing crack fics and just ending up writing ridiculous porn, and I’ll leave it to you to say if Hunterjeanmidna crosses it. Besides, this tale has a message that we all could stand to hear once in a while:

WARNING: This is an ANTI-RAPE piece, speaking out against erotic
rape scenes in fanfictions. In no way is this meant to be “hot” or
anything, it’s supposed to be disturbing to show how horrible an
criminal rape is. But there are a buncha funny parts an it’s not all
depressing. I just wanna get a message across to my readers that RAPE IS

RAPE IS NOT GOOD — a bold stand, and yet I couldn’t agree more, sir. Shall we?


Ian Hawk was PISSED as he walked through the trailer home he was livin
in cuz he lost all his money. Hed lost not only his first group of
chipmunks but also the chipettes he got! “Hmmmm” though Ian “I heard the
chipmunks an chippetes are homies now, an they’re all living in the
same place!”

Ian is played by David Cross in the movie. I’m not sure starring in this fan fic is any more embarrassing than starring in two CG Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, however.

Then he got a Tequila an turned on the TV where Dr. Sznell was
advertising his new invention.

“Hey everybody!” he yelled “Do you wanna turn into an chipmunk an be
successful like the Chipmunk/Chipettes?? Then use my machine for just a
small fee of $19.99!

$20 is incredibly reasonable for a device that turns people into chipmunks. Just sayin’.

Ian got a plan. He was going to turn himself into a chipmukn an join the
group an maybe fuck some Chippetes an then kill them!! Ian was very
pleased with his plan.

It is a good plan.

He went over to Dr. Sznell’s lab and said “Hey doc I saw your ad on the
TV turn me into a chipmunk!” The docter said “no you dont have any
money” so Ian got pissed. He looked around an noticed that Dr. Sznell’s
son was standing with him. A perfect negotiation object!

KILL YOUR SON!!!” The boy got scared an started cryin.

Didn’t Dr. Sznell display a phone number during his commercial for ordering the device? I think he’s sell a lot more chipmunk makers if he had. I mean, I’m no business major, but I would think it would be helpful.

“Okay OKAY MISTER HAWK!!!” said Sznell! “I’ll turn you into a chipmunk
free of charge!” Ian shook the docters hand. “Okay, excellent.” he was
grinning. He then patted the kid on the head to warm himself up to the
kid, though this didnt really make up for the fact that Ian threatened
to kill him.

So Ian walked into the special Munkifier room an got naked an stepped
it. He’d seen that movie The Fly an was kinda worried that something
would go wrong an hed turn into an abomination. But the machine hummed
to life an there was flashin lights in the room an smoke came outta the
Munkifier. Ian came out an looked at the mirror an it worked: he was
turned into a chipmunk!!!!! But there were some strange
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (AN: Isn’t that a good song) goin on with Ian. For
one he was shorter. He was naked an covered in hair (well even more hair
cuz Ian’s one hairy dude). He squeaked when he talked.

That is a good song. One that I will forever think of along with this fan fic, and thus is ruined for ever more.

An his penis was a lot smaller! LEss that an inch long in fact. He was
sad at first at this revelatation because he lost his title of “Big
Poppa” he had around the red light district (remember how many hoes
Kernal Qwaritch fucked? Well Ian fucked alot more (trust me homies David
Cross drives the ladies crazy…just ask my sister an mama! We saw the
Chipmunks movies an my daddy an brother were beggin to be allowed to
leave but mama an my sister stayed to watch David!! An I was watchin to
come up with stories!)

I should point out that Hunterjeanmidna’s other story is about the evil marine colonel Quaritch from Avatar, and it is equally insane as this story.

But then Ian remembered that he was gonna get BAD revenge on those
naaaaasty Chipmunks an this made him feel better.

Chipmunk Ian hitched a ride to the Chipmunks house……….. he was in
Compton while the Chipmunks were around Mulholland Drive (the best movie
ever BTW) so he had plenty of time to plan his revenge….

End of Chapter one. Did I tell you this was four chapters long?


It was a bright sunny day an the chipmunks an chippetes were at home
above LA in Mulholland Drive. David wasnt there (he left for London to
see the premiere of the new Harry Potter movie) but he left on a dirty
movie featuring some big muscleman like Arnold or Sylvester doin a chick
with bigass tits like Pamela Anderson doggystyle. The munks were
weirded out.

Understandably so. Ever wonder why people can say “bigass tits” but not “bigtit ass”? Yeah, me neither.

“What are they doing on the TV?” asked Elenor.

“Isn’t it ovious?” said Simon an Jeanete at once, the brainy Munks.
“Theyre wrestling.” Alvan rolled his eyes at their woaful ingorance.

“No they aint wrestlin you dumbasses” said Alvan the troublemaker
“They’re havin SEX!!” he said grinnin with his buck teeth.


“Whats sex” asked Theodore

Alvan scoffed. The fame made him kinda an asshole. “You fatass
motherfucker, its what happens when you stick your penis in a vagina and
hump an hump an hump an then white shit comes out an gets her pregnent
an 8 months later you have a buncha baby chipmunks.”

Ooh, so close, Hunterjeanmidna. I’ll give you a B+ for accuracy.

The other munks got very interested. Theodor asked “You mean I could do
that with Elonor?” he asked.

“Yeah you fuckin can” said Alivn an then Theodor said no more as he
jumped on Elonor an stuck his huge penis right in an started humping
Elonor an Elonor was totally lovin it. Then the other munks (meaning
Alavn Simon Brittany an Jeanete) got so turned on they all decided to
join in!!! They all got on Davids bed an started doin it an it was a
chipmunk orgy. High pitched screams an groans an moans an grunts an crys
whimpers of pleasure filled the air as the Munks fucked an fucked an
fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked until they came
like Super Soakers all over the sheets.

Eights fuckeds, and yet “an” was not spelled correctly once. Did the author really need to copy and paste “an fucked”? Did he really save that much time?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA” said Britttany as Alvin unloaded a full clip into her
uterus. Jeanete fell asleep Simon was such a good fuck an Theodor came
so much that he got Elonor pregnant with a baby chipmunk already. Alvun
was such a power fuck that Brittany went flyin across the room!! Now
they were all tired when they heared a knock.

“Theodor” is a fucking stallion.


Dave left the porn flick on. Seems like having a chipmunk orgy on his bed should have been a pretty foreseeable consequence of that action.

“Be right there” yelled Alvin as the other Munks changed the channel an
cleaned all the cum off the bed. It was a big job but they did it and
the they got the door an saw a very tall very skinny black guy with cornrows
an a goatee.

“Are you..” said Alvan shocked.

“Yeah I am” said the black guy “It’s me! The Dee-Oh-Double-Gee!”



“HOLY SHIT ITS SNOOP DOGG!” yelled Alvan he’d never been so excited in
his life. Alvan was a huge gangsta rap fan an Snoop was one of his

“Why are you here” asked Jeanete

“Well Dave told me that Alvan was a big fan an you lil’ homies needed a

Too little too lizzle, my nizzle.

The munks all got excited as Snoop came in.

“So anyway Dave told me that your not in school so you get to stay home
an do nothin. But he just said no cussin an no fightin.” The munks didnt
peep a word about their orgy becuase Dave wouldnt like that either.

“Well what words cant we say?” asked Alvan.

“well you can’t say fuck or bitch or piss or shit or damn or goddamn or
anything like that.”

“What about cunt?” asked Alvan grinnin.

“OH FUCK NO!” yelled Snoop as Alvan grinned agian. “The babysitter
cussed which means we can cuss!”

“No it don’t you little fleas!” yelled Snoop but then he agreed to cover
up their cussin to David. “If I said no cussin, I’d be a hypocrite.”
said Snoop.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that this is only one of the many reasons Snoop Dogg has not succeeded as a professional babysitter.

So anyway the day went as usual. They all watched TV an then Men in
Black came on. Snoop went to get popcorn for him an the munks but looked
in the pantry and saw that they were out!

Snoop came into the intertainment room. “Hey look lil’ homies, we’re
outta popcorn so I’m gonna run to Piggley Wiggley to get us some.” He
was about to get in his car when Alvan came over sayin he wanted to go!
So Snoop picked up Alvan an they drove to Piggly Wiggley while listenin
to Snoops CDs (AN: Doggystyle is his best album IMO). The other munks
were at home alone.

So the munks all sat an watched Men in Black, laughin at the jokes,
amazed by how cool Will Smith an Tommy Lee Jones are when they heard a
knocking. They thought it was Snoop an Alvan with the popcorn but they
opened the door an saw a chipmunk.

“Hello guys” said the chipmunk “I used to live in the neighbers tree but
it got cut down.” He wore glasses an was balding an looked somewhat
familiar…but he was nice so they let him in. Plus they were releaved
that it wasnt Dave cuz Jeanete was still naked.

Frankly, this discrepancy between them being chipmunks and being ashamed of their nudity is the most disturbing part of this fan fic for me. It’s almost biblical. Jeanette’s natural state is nudity, and a chipmunk, she really shouldn’t be expected to wear clothes, right? I mean, even in the world of Alvin and the Chipmunks, all animals aren’t considered nude unless clothed, correct? So would it really be wrong if Jeanete didn’t have clothes on? Have the Chipmunks and Chipettes been indoctrinated into some religion that makes them aware of original sin? Is this a good thing, seeing as it’s man who is forcing these animals to sing and wear clothes?

“Whats your name” said Theodor.

“I’m Kwah Nai.” the strange new chipmunk smiled at them.


“Kwah Nai” said Simon confused. “Where are you from?”

“I’m…uh, an immugrant from…uh,…um…..London.”

“Okay I’ve always wanted to go to London!” said Brittany. “Whats it

“Well, uh” Ian grasped for ideas to fool the monks. “It’s in the desert
an there are tigers an its a nude city so ther’re naked hoes everywhere
showin off there gozangas.”

That’s exactly right.

“HOLY SHIT THERE ARE NAKED BABES!” squaked Theodore. “Take me to London
right now!”



“Okay I can arrange for that, but to do that youll have to let me sleep
over tonight.” Ian was happy cuz this was a perfect oppertunity to
extract his revenge.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

“Okay Kwah” said Simon, “We can all sleep in Daves bed because he’s not
here for like a week or something. But now we’re watchin Men in Black
you’re welcome to join us. Snoop Dogg an our friend Alvan outta be comin
with the popcorn soon.”

Simon, Dave’s bed is covered in chipmunk juices. C’mon, man, you’re supposed to be the smart one.

So then Snoop an Alvan came in both singin It Ain’t No Fun if the Homies
Can’t Have none an Snoop nuked that popcorn in the microwave. He sat on
the couch an gave everybody their popcorn an he saw Kwah.

“Well who’s this?” he asked.

“It’s our new friend” said Brittany as she introduced him to both Snoop
and Alvan. “His tree got chopped down so he’s gonna stay with us an take
us to London.”

So they all watched the movie as Kwah laughed on the inside. His plan
was working!!! And a bonus: He got to meet Snoop Dogg!!!!

Hey, just because he’s an evil chipmunk doesn’t mean he can’t be impressed with meeting Snoop Dogg. He’s not a monster, you know.

Later that night

The movie was over an it was gettin dusk out. Now the chipmunks were
about to go to bed but Snoop got thirsty so he had to go out an get
himself some beers.

“Hey Chipmunks, I’m gonna go get a little something something for the
Doggfather and I’ll also bring you all a storybook.”

So snoop left the house as the real Chipmunks all walkd to the bedroom
while Ian squeaked evilly with laughter. Revenge was gonna be his!


?Ready for the second half? It’s on the next page.



The munks all went to bed. Ian ended up sleeping next to Theodore who
was on top of Elonor. Theodor ripped a really loud fart that tore his
little asshole open an sent him flying across the bed. Elonor ran off to
the bathroom cuz it stunk so bad an Ian followed her, not only to make
his move but also cuz he was really disgusted by loud farts.

Elener was washin herself off in the sink when Ian popped up next to

“Hey, Kwah” said Elenor, ” I love Theodor but he farts too much”

I’m afraid Ms. Robot can empathize with Elenor’s plight. Although I’ve never propelled myself around a room. That I can recall.

“Yeah he does” agreed Ian. Ian flashed back to the time the chipmunks
were living with him an Theodor came to his bed an woke him up cuz he
had a nightmare. Ian was kinda annoyed but then Theodor farted an burned
a hole in the area beneath his butt so Ian flung him outta the room. It
wasn’t a good memory for Ian.

“Say, your kinda handsome for a Munk” said Eleanor.

“Oh, am I?!” asked Ian, ready for some Chipette pussy. Elonor was fat an
Ian didnt normally dig fat chicks but shed do.

Also: You’re both chipmunks. 

“Yeah,” but then she smiled. “But Theodors the only one for me!”

Ian didnt like this. “…What?” he asked angrily. “Why mention that I’m
handsome, THEN get my hopes down? Oh well, you’re too fuckin fat anyway.
Like you’ve ALWAYS been.”

Elanors eyes lit up with shock. “…are you Ian?”

Ian realized his goof. “OH FUCK”

How awesome is it that Ian fucks up the plan almost immediately?

Eleanor tried to run an tell everyone but Ian grabbed her. He threw her
against the tub an knocked her out, an then picked her up by her tail an
climbed up the toilet an then dumped her in the bowl (it took him a
while cuz shes so fat) an flushed her down the drain, it was like that
movie Flushed Away. The toilet clogged because of Eleanors fat ass, but
he got her to go down. But then Brittany came into the bathroom an saw
him flushing her! She tried to stop him

“Hey…THAT WASN’T NICE!! I’m tellin SNOOP when he gets back!”

It was also attempted murder; while “not nice” is technically accurate, I don’t feel it properly conveys the entire situation, Brittany.

but he hit her hard. “Remember ME, Chippete? I am IAN.” Brittany
screamed in horror an tried to run but he closed the door on her an
cornered her.

“You know what I want, Brittany” said Ian grinning evilly with his buck
teeth. “Ever since I first saw you I Wanted to fuck you. So I turned
into a chipmunk not only to kill you all, but also to have sex with

And here’s the delightful part of this story — Ian (or rather, Hunterjeanmidna writing about Ian) could have just stayed human and fucked the Chipettes in two; frankly, it would likely be far more effective a revenge plus, you know, he wouldn’t have had to turn into a chipmunk. So frankly, chipmunk-on-chipmunk rape is pretty pleasant at least compared to other possibilities.

“No. NO!” Brittany tried to run but Ian hit her, knocked her to the
ground, spread her legs out an stuck his dick right into her cunt. He
didn’t even use protection! Brittany had never had anything shoved up
her cunt so hard an fast before so Ian’s long hard dick literally made
her eyes pop out of her skull in shock.

Well, better than having her eyes shoot out of her skull because she’s so full of cum, right loyal FFF readers?

“Oh no please” she begged as he railed her, “please no no oh God no no
fun and laughing with pleasure but Brittany certainly wasnt havin fun.
“Oh please no, no more, no AAAAHHHH! Oh GoooooOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!
his mini cock into Brittany’s cunt.

By the end of it Ian jabbed his dick in her cunt about
500,000,000,000,000 times (chipmunks have fast sex). Then he stopped an
she collapsed cryin.

That number is either a  phenomenal coincidence or Ian is the most OCD rapist in human history. 

“Awwwwwwww” said Ian, “I know you’re tired, but I’m afraid that the fun
is just starting for meeeeeee!”
chippette started screamin as IAn took out handcuffs an cuffed her to
the toilet pipe an then took out a wihp an begun hittin her with it an
she was screamin loud. First Ian whipped her tits, then her ass, then
moved to her cunt. Brittany was screamin an experiencin pain like she’d
never felt before, an Ian was laughin with pleasure an sadism as he made
the tiny female chipmunk scream in agony an bleed very bad the bathroom
floor was covered in a mix of blood an semen from Ians cock.

Theodor woke up with a painful gurgle. “Ugh I gotta take a shit.”

Theordor came into the bathroom an took one look at what was goin on.

YOU.” Theodor wasted no time goin back to bed (but first he took a shit
in the corner where nobody would see)

Oh, Theodor. You horrible little rodent.

Then Ian laughed evilly as he put away the whip an threw salt on
Brittanys deep lashes. Then he rapped her again.

“Rapped” or “Raped”? Snoop Dogg wouldn’t approve of either.


“YOU MOTHERFUCKERS” yelled Snoop! He got his stuff but was in heavy
traffic an it’d take him a while to get back to the Chipmunk house.

While Snoop was stuck in traffic an the other Munks were asleep, Ian
tortured an raped Brittany all night long…it was awful. Brittanys
ear-shatterinly loud screams for help went unheard an only made Ian
laugh harder as he continued smackin her an rapin her. Then he moved to
her asshole an stuck it right in an Britanny screamed louder than shed
ever screamed in her life.

(if you thought that was erotic or hot or anything like that then GET

I’m going to have to back the author up on this. If you thought this was hot, you have a significant problem.


Snoop was still stuck in traffic (a 747 crashed in the road an killed a
buncha people an Snoop had to wait while the cops an firefighters an
paramedics cleaned up wreckage an dead bodies) an Alvin was in bed
sleepin, completely obvliious to the fact that his girlfriend got raped.
Then Theodor came runnin up to him.

himself. “No, NO!!” he screamed.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He ran inot the
bathroom an saw a horrific sight an let out the loudest scream anyone
could ever make.Theodor threw up an Jeanette all started cryin.

Blood an cum was splattered all over the bathroom. There was a bloody
whip in the corner an poor Brittany was curled up cuffed to the toilet,
cryin, about to perish from the damage the monster had done to her.

“…..Brittany?” asked Alvan. She looked up at him (Ian beat her so bad
even doin that hurt) an she exploded cryin.

“AAAAAALVAAAAN!” yelled Brittany pitifuly. “He was horrible. HE WAS

Alvan walked over an held her in his arms. “Did Kwah do this to you?”

“Yes,” said Brittany “but he’s really Ian.”

A deep boiling hate boiled up inside of Alvan an the other munks.
Brittany continued “He disguised himself as a chipmunk to sneak in, kill
us all, an rape me! Elenor was the first victim, he flushed her down
the toilet.”

Theodor started cryin, which gave way to pure rage. “He did WHAT?”
Theodor was normally a big gallot whimpy Chipmukn. But piss him off…an
he’s fucking DANGEROUS.

Alvan uncuffed Brittany an was healing her wounds. “So we need to make
Kwah pay for what he did…what he did….this is unforgivable.” But
they didn’t know where he was….an Simon was playin Call of Duty!!!
They had to warn him before he became the next victim!!!

Anyone know what kind of house this is taking place in? The Chipmunks can’t hear Brittany screaming all night, Simon either played videogames all night or woke up and missed everything to play them… I feel like these are all separate dimensions that the characters keep over into and no one’s telling us.

Meanwhile Simon was playin Call of Duty on Live an shot some aliens but
another alien killed him. “SON OF A BITCH!” screamed Simon as Ian
strutted over.

“Hey Simon,” said Ian, “You playin Call of Duty?”

“Yeah” said Simon “that son of a BITCH alien killed me.”

“I can think of something else that’s gonnha kill you ….. like
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Then Ian grabbed a knife an tried to kill
Simon but Simon was too quick an ran off under a dresser. Ian tried to
follow him….but then he got bigger!

Silly Ian. You should always grab the knife before you scream that you’re going to kill someone.

“OH NO!” yelled Ian. The Munkifyer was warin off so he was turnin into
human Ian again…without any cloths!!!

“OH SHIT” yelled Ian as he grew into a big hairy man again.

You just raped and tortured a small animal, dude. Nudity is going to be the least of your worries.

yelled Alvin, then the munks dogpiled him an started bitin him. all
over. “Oh please no, no more, no AAAAHHHH! Oh GoooooOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!
PLEEEEAAAAASE!!! NO MOOOOOOOAAAH!!!” Oh GOD it hurt for the evil rapist

After two straight hours of bein bitten he thought it was over…then
Brittany came over, healed up.

Amazing what some bactine and a couple of band-aids can do, I guess.

“I’m SORRY, Brittany!” yelled Ian, smirking.

Brittany scowled at him…an bit him on the dick. Hard.

Oh God it felt good for Brittany…and how bad it felt for Ian. The room
echoed with his screams of pure pain and agony.

That no one heard, because screams of agony are immediately muted in this bizarre rape-house.

Then Elanor came in with a gun. She was all wet but was still alive and
was PISSED. Theodor was so happy he cried.

“Too short am I? Fatass am I?” squeaked Elenor angrily. Ian was scared
shitless an she aimed at his face.


Ooh! No more rape and presents? that’s a pretty good deal!

Alvan scoffed. “You MOTHERFUCKER!” he screamed.

Then all of a sudden Snoop Dogg came home! He was tired because hed been
stuck in traffic but too one look at what was goin on an made his
presense known.



Brittany ran up to him “Snoop! Kwah was really some asshole named Ian in
disguise an he beat an raped me all night long! Now he wants to kill
all of us!”

The Snoop looked at the hairy naked man layin in the floor an got angry
at him.

“I may be a gangsta rapper” said Snoop angrily, “BUT I AM ALSO A



Snoop then took out his gun an badge an pointed them at Ian who was too
shocked to say anything. Then..

“Your fuckin shittin me right?”

Are you shittin me? Yopu’ve got to be shittin at least one of us, right?

“No I ain’t!” yelled Snoop. “I’m takin your rotten ass to jail!”

“NOOOO!” yelled Ian as he tried to run but Snoop nailed him to the wall.
Then Snoop told the chipmunks to call the cops for help as Snoop dealt
with Ian.


Snoop laughed “You won’t be buyin ANY cds where YOU’RE goin!”

Ian Struggled against Snoop but Snoop smacked him with his gun. “You
think you can get away after what you did? No way Hose!”

FFF homework: try to work in “No way, hose!” into any conversation at some point today. You’ll be glad you did.

Then the cops showed up an stormed the house to back Snoop up while the
chipmunks watched. One of the cops almost threw up after seein Ian naked
but they perservered an helped Snoop load Ian’s hairy ass up in the
cruiser as Ian ranted an raved. “I DIDNT DO THAT SHIT THAT LITTLE

I can say I honestly wish for a sequel where Ian tries to claim a defense of “the chipmunk led me on” as a defense.

The chipmunks an Snoop all watched as the police drove off. “Well,
that’s the end of Ian Hawk.” said Simon. “Good fucking riddence” added
Alvan. Brittany was so disgusted with him that she didn’t even respond,
just stared at him leaving hatefully.

Snoop went in an cracked open a beer. He was fuckin tired so he drank
his beer an then fell asleep on the couch.

I would think Snoop Dogg could hold his liquor better than that, but you know what happens when you assume. You make an “ass” out of “ume.”

The chipmunks were standin
there when they heard a knocking!! Alvan looked through the window.

“IT’S DAVE!!!”

Dave came in an they went in an cleaned the bloody bathroom so Dave
wouldnt know what happened. “Phew” said Theodor.

“Hey guys” said Dave “You miss me? Where’s Snoop?”

“Hes tired an is sleepin on the couch.” said Jeanete.

“The place is so clean” said Dave surprised “When I come home it looks
like Chernobyl most of the time! You munks really cleaned up your act!”

But then things got bad. Dave looked in the corner an saw where Theodor
took a big noisy nasty smelly shit! Then he looked in the washer an saw
his bedspread…..the munks hadnt washed it yet an it was covered in

Dave knew Snoop personally an knew he wouldnt do that…leavin only one

Snoop Dogg: Bad baybsitter, exceedingly polite house guest.

“Alvin?” David yelled.

“Oh shit” said the munks.

No final thoughts. I’m exhausted. I’m going to crack open a beer and with any luck I’ll fall asleep too.

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