Cartoons, Movies, Nerdery, TR Classics

Fan Fiction Friday: Optimus Prime and Princess Leia in “Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh”


optimus and leia.jpg

?I’m in a good mood today. Also, today is apparently a young Topless Roboteer named Nikki’s birthday, and she very politely asked me to run a ComicsNix story to celebrate. I’m a sucker for politeness, and it’s been a while since we’ve mainlined the good stuff in FFF. So what does our maestro have for us today?

This story is sittuated in the beggining of “Return of Jedi”, before
Luke Skywalker arrives, but after Leia, R2-D2 and C3-PO get trapped by
Jabba. It tries to explain wath happened in the meantime. Hope you

Prime is entering Megatorn secret base. The fight was vicious and the
other transformers got caught. Optimus need to free them. Them, he
enters Megatron knig chamber:

“egatro! Free my transformer pals or
sufeer lead metal consequences!” shout Potimus.


?THIRD. FUCKING. PARAGRAPH. And this is why ComicsNix is truly the best of the best and we lvoe him — just try and count all the errors in that one sentence. It’s incredible. And you know what’s more incredible? The fact that ComicsNix managed to spell “consequences” correctly. The love continues after the jump.

“AHAHAHH! You will never defeat me Leader of the autoboys! The
deceptcions wil rule the galaxy!”

That would be “egatro” talking, by the way. Also, Megatron should totally call the Autobots “Autoboys” in the new TF cartoon.

“You will have to jump over my
dead corpse!” and Optimus run at Megatron’s direction, shooting blaster
projectiles. Megatron runs to a secret chamber and Optius go behind. But
it’s a TRAP! Optimus get stuck into a titanium metal bar cages, and
Megatron brags:

“Now Optimus, you will be my finaceer! Will help
to pay my Death Satellite to kill the earth!”


I like to think that Potimus is just as confused by Egatro’s threat as I am. “What? What the hell are you talking about?”

open his Spaceship and embarks the jailbirded Optimus Prime. He set a
couse to a distant planet, on a galaxy far way.


After some weeks,
the Megatron’s space ship arrives at Tatooine. He seeks for Jaba the
Hutt, who recieves him:

“So Megatron” say Jobba “, brought me the

“Yes” say Megatro” where’s the money?”

“Here, and
it was very a good exchange I hope we made.”

“For sure Jabba,
now, here, your new slave.” and Megatron lend Optimus to Jabba.

say Jabba, “a new robot to my collection. You wil entertain my cotumers
for some time”

In all honesty, Jabba buying Optimus as one of his robot slaves is a pretty decent idea for a crossover fan fic…

Optimus is very angry and shout to Jabba:

never be your slave. You cannot control me!”

“Yes I can, if you
try to escape, I will kill your cell companions!” and Jabba take Optimus
to his cell. There, he finds the other prisioner Jabba was talking

“Hi, I’m Leia, this R2-d2 and this is C3-PO.”

Lei,a I’m Optimus Prime, Leader of Autobots. What they are going to do?”

I don’t know. Jabba said he opened a new service on Tatooine to
entertain people from staying from other planets. I hope he don’t kill
us…if only I could contact Luke, my brother…”

“Don’t be
afraidd Leia, I will find a way out.” and they waited and talked. Leia
told about the rebels, Han Solo in the carbonite and her love for him.
The next day, guards wakaned the prisioners and took them to the
Colosseum. It ws very big, an was full of aliens and people from all
over the universe. Jabba speakes at an microphone:

“Greetings dear
customers. Welcome to the first Luxury Multi Species Colloseum of the
galaxy! Here, our first slaves will have pleasures beyond imagination,
and will please you too. Don’t feel ashamed, put your clothes off and
jerk at will. No extra expenses are charged by cleaning the place.
Toilet paper is at your right side of your chair. Codoms are charged
separately. Have safe sex…and let the show begins!”

…but a fan fic where Jabba buys Optimus Prime as a sex gladiator is what sets ComicsNix apart from the rest of the rest. Please also note the horrifying look into ComicsNix’s masturbatory habits; instead of listing the more common kleenex, he mentions that toilet paper is provided for the alien audience to jerk off onto, which unfortunately implies that’s ComicsNix’s disposal method of choice. Informative!

Also, Jabba exhorting the crowd to have safe sex while he’s forcing Princess Leia to fuck Optimus Prime? Outstanding.

Optimus are
there, looking around seeing that multitute of people. He can do
nothing, even if he tries to fight, Jabba can kill Leia and the others.
They are fragile, so he must let go his pride and please that hautingly
audience of pedos.

Pedos? Really? Is it “kids night” at Jabba’s sex slave arena tonight? Or is Prime just being unfairly judgmental about people who have paid to see him fuck Carrie Fisher?

All of the five slaves have micro microphones,
so wath they say, the audience can enjoy. Jabba firmed a contract with
the costumers that moanings and profanities are a right they have, so
the slaves must keep shit chatting while sodomizing one another. Prime
sits on the dirty ground and wait. Leia comes near him:

Optimus, sorry that we met this way…”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m about to shove my metal penis into your vagina. C’est la vie!”

“Don’t be ashamed Leian,
it’s not our free will that approves this horrifying spectacle of pure
sacrilege against flesh and circuits. It will be over in some hours.”
said the twenty foot tall robot.

Hours? Someone has a pretty high opinion of his sex slave skills.

Leia jumped on Primus legs and
walked to his hips.

“Now Optimus, show me your metal cock.” said
Princess Leia with a moaning and whoring voice and readly, Optimus
engaged into the sex serving mode. A hatch opened, and slowly, a
cilindrical monster of lead and gold emerged from the opening crotch
gate. It was shinning and was totally waxed. But was to big to Leia to
be fucked. Forty inches of diameter and and six feet of height. Jabba
was not pleased:

FFF Band Name #76: Opening Crotch Gate

“How that stupid robot can penetrate Leia now?
His dick is taller than me! Megatron fooled me!” regreted Jabba. He kept
thinking about a solution.

Just to recap: Jabba the Hutt is pissed off because Optimus Prime’s dick is too big to fuck Leia. That just happened.

Leia looked and, because the show must
go on, she did her best while Jabba tries to fix the sittuation.

Leia’s commitment to fucking a giant robot against her will is commendable. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it is commendable.

Optimus, I guess I have to tenderize you metal dick for me to fully
apreciate it’s wonderfullness.”

I was going to make a joke about the horror of Leia beating Optimus’ dick with a meat tenderizer, and then I remembered his dick actually is metal. For all I know tenderizing it is the Transformer equivalent of a handjob.

“Leia, your leather clad bikini
lighten up my boron buttocks!”

As god is my witness, I don’t have the faintest clue what this means.

Leia rubbed with her stretched arms
the metal dick, up and down, but it was dragging her skin. Even if it
was polished and had no jagged edges, she needed to lubricate it:

do you have something good to facilitate my work/?”

“Yes my power
love. Here, have this squezing tube. It contains graphite. Just rub all
all will be alright” and Leia did it. Her body got darkened by the
graphite dust, but she liked it, and masturbating Potimus got very easy
and pleasurable.

There is something so, so disturbing about this sensible, pertinant solution to lubricating metal being in the middle of this batshit fucking insane story about Optimus Prime fucking Princess Leia. It’s like all of a sudden, ComicsNix was saying “And then Optimus pulls out a bit tube of KY jelly, and… NO. Leia can’t lubricate his six-foot dick with KY — it’s metal! WHY, THAT WOULDN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” Why this detail had to be scientifically correct in his otherwise insane erotic Star Wars/Transformers fan fic scares the bejeezus out of me.

R2-D2 aproached Optimus and asked permission to

“Granted my fellow cilindrical pal, you can enter my dark
caves of mystery.” said Optimus.



Wasn’t Dark Caves of Mystery a Hardy Boys book? And didn’t a robot fuck Frank and Joe in the ass in that one, too?

“Blip Blop Blop!” said R2-D2.
This was his first time fucking a robot. He was completely virgin, and
was very ashamed he had to expose his intimacy in front of an audience
of millions. But their lifes were at stake, so he must swallow all of
his prejudcies and engage full head in this life altering experience.

said Optimus,” hang on!” and Leia hold very harder Optmus dick. Optimus
got up a bit and gave space to R2-D2. Leia was hanging on Optimus dick
while R2-D2 seached the best cordinates to penetrate Optimus
experimental anus. Luckly for him, Prime’s anus was automated to adjust
the best diameter for foreign objects entering him.R2-D2 positioned and
Optimus seated on him.

FFF Band Name #77 and New Current Champion: Experimental Anus

R2 was shaking and freightened. Optimus
anal cavity was dark and moist, had some loose wires and was rusting
from inside. He started to think sex was not made to coward robots like

“Don’t be afraid” said Optimus to R2 “I’ll help you!” and
Optimus bowels lights got on. Everything wwas iluminated and R2 really
saw what it really was. A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits
of Prime’s human friends that already visited the place. A camera
apppeared from a wall and photographed R2-D2, and immediatelly put a
portrait of him on a the bowel wall.

There is not a head-exploding pic in the world that can accurately describe how fucking insane this is. Let me repeat it for you, in case you blacked out from the sheer madness of it:

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits
of Prime’s human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits
of Prime’s human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits
of Prime’s human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits
of Prime’s human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits
of Prime’s human friends that already visited the place.

Oh. My. God. I need a second; let’s continue after the jump.


R2-D2 got very placid and
calm. After he saw those happy faces on the portraits, he knew Optimus
would never hurt him inside there. So, R2 looked around and found a
button. It was an elevator button, that raised him up in the bowels. R2
arrived at a tight place, where his metal body got stucked. At first R2
got scaried, but them, the elevator got down, and got up, and down, and
up, making a sine wave pattern movement with R2-D2. R2 thought a bit,
and felt a pleasure down his electrical circuits and optical cables.
Anal sex is like this? If it is, he really like a lot! He was upping and
downowing, rubbing inside Optimus upper bowel. Paraffin wax got sprayed
over R2 to help lubricate.

I want to discuss the insanity of R2 apparently being entirely in Prime’s ass, or the sudden use of paraffin wax as a lubricant (which is apparently only used for lubricating bullets, which makes ComicsNix’s commitment to accurate robot sexual lubricant in his stories even more complete and terrifying, but the fact of the matter is I still can’t get over the fact that OPTIMUS PRIME’S ASS HAS PORTRAITS IN IT OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PREVIOUSLY FUCKED HIM IN THE ASS.

Optimus bowel’s walls were made of
carbon nanotubes covered with soft pinky pillows of pure petunia’s
cotton. They ajusted on the fly the pressure over R2 body and the
elevator speed, acording to R2-D2 willingness to go deeper with his
innermost sexual fantasies. At first R2 wanted togo slow, to fell the
texture on his metal cover. But latter, his inhibition got away, and the
elevator got faster, and Optimus got a surprise for him. Neon gas tubes
apeared on the walls, and a range of different colors illuminate inside
Optimus’s ass with all colors of the spectrum. It was a really shame
R2-D2 couldn’t smell the daisy fragance permeating Optimus Prime’s anus.
R2 had no nose.

As R2-D2 was a robot, even infrared and
ultraviolet colors appeared, and that profusion of rainbow happyness
filled R2-D2 with the purest passion he never had from his robotic
pairs. He always was considered the freak of the robot school. Every
robot dispised him, because of his adventurous ambition. He wanted to
see the stars, the other life forms. He didn1t want to be a hamburger
frying slave all of his life, doing menial tasks that no one would
remember in the future. No, he wanted to be remembered, wanted to leave a
mark on history.

His robotic schoolmates were just stupid for
him, so he picked fights all the grades he did. Trouble was hhis name
and no one loved him, because no one approved his future plans for his
life. But finally, he found someone robot that can see him from inside,
someone that want to please him, that wants to give a hand and collect
nothing in return. C3-PO is his friend, but Optimus is his lover.

Has ComicsNix not seen Star Wars Episodes 1-5? Does he not remember R2-D2 saving the galaxy on several occasions, get cleaned by queens, setting evil robots on fire, carrying the Death Star plans, all that shit? Hasn’t Artoo left his mark on history to his own satisfaction? And why is ComicsNix so determined for the metal lubricants to be accurate, but doesn’t bother to make R2’s motivation and back story jibe with the movies? Am I concentrating on this in a desperate attempt to ignore the fact that Optimus Prime’s asshole is apparently the happiest, most beautiful place in the universe? POSSIBLY.

return the favour to Optimus opening his eyes to the sexual lust all
robots should have in their lifes, R2-D2 started to expell small shock
waves inside Optimus bowel, giving the Autobot the most tender
demonstration of love and gratitute he ever recieved in his life. This
action reflected at Optimus penis, that got slightly more elongated,
something that pleased Leia:

“Optimus Prime” said Princess Leia
with a sensual voice, “you are a very horny individual!”

“Oh Leia,
don’t say that. Actually, this is the first time someone rubs my dick.”

rubbing Optimus dick with her humid engorged vagina, Leia felt a bit
sorry for that robot:

You know what else is humid and engorged?

toht face melting.jpg


Just sayin’.

“Oh Optimus, you don’t use your cock with
much frequency don’t you?”

Optimus lowered his head and sighed:

It is a problem being this tall. My autobot friends don’t have sexual
apeetites actually. Being the leader, I’m the only capable of maintaning
sexual intercouse systems. No other autobot have it…and being anally
penetrated don’t really give me chills.”

Well, thanks for pointing that out after Artoo spent 20 minutes spelunking inside your Dar Caves of Mystery. Jerk.

Leia got tears in her
eyes. She embrace Optimus dick very hard, trying to consolate that lone
robot…but life is not that easy. She wanted to be twenty foot tall
that moment.

“Allright!” said Jabba to Optimus from the microphone
“my engineers are going to adapt this organic penis at your crotch.
This will give somethnig more consitent in terms of action to our
marvellous costumers.” and a couple of alien men went and started to
addaptate the strange alien penis to Prime’s body.

Are you ready for this? No. You’re not. But it’s happening anyways.

That penis was
the property of a long dead alien. Jar Jar Binks to be more exact.









I think only four Head Explodes at this news shows a remarkable amount of restraint on my part.

the jedi massacre by the Emperor and Lord Vader, Jar Jar was captured
when he was hiding at Tatooine by Jabba’s bontyhunters. He was tortured
for a week without rest, and after that time, his body got quartered and
his penis was sealed inside a carbonite container. A little trophy
Jabba had been saving, but his new business need some sacrifices to be
made, so now he uses Jar Jar’s penis for a greater purpose.

I’m beginning to feel that Jabba has some issues.

After a
while, it’s done. The penis is active and Optimus can control it. His
entire life he has been praying for a small penis, and now, he have one,
given by his owner Jabba. Leia looked Optimus eyes and smilled
tenderly. The Jar Jar penis got attached on the top of Optimus metal
penis. It looked like a small phimosis.

From Wikipedia: “Phimosis (f?-m?’s?s, f?-), from the Greek phimos (?????
(“muzzle”)), is a condition where, in men, the male
cannot be fully retracted from the head of the penis. The
term may also refer to clitoral phimosis in women, whereby the clitoral
cannot be retracted, limiting exposure of the glans clitoridis.”

There’s a picture if you’re interested. If not, just try to imagine someone glued a flesh-colored Skittle onto the head of someone’s dick. There, now you’re ready! Assuming your brain function hasn’t ceased entirety at ComicsNix’s use of — and correct use of — the word “phimosis.”

Leia climb his metal dick
and reach the top. The moment arrived, finally, Optimus can fuck. Leia
slowly put his alien dick inside her wet vagina, and Prime enjoy. Leia
doesn’t even is felling ashamed of showing her sexual skills in front of
millions of spectators. This moment is owned by the two, and they live
it to the maximum their bodies permit.

To recap: Optimus Prime is fucking Princess Leia with Jar Jar Binks’ dick. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

But now, they are reaching
their climaxes, and Optimus didn’t thought a plan on how to go away. But
Leia, while fucking looked to Optimus eyes and made lips movements, and
Prime read her lips:

“Contact…Luke…his phone
number…is…1…2…3…63…26…7.4…2…4…753.1.” and Optimus
did. No one could know he was doing that, they had no telephone jammers
at the Colisseum. While in contaact with Luke Skywalker, Optimus gave
him cordinates of Jabba’s palace, and now, he can save Leia.

If you’re at all troubled by the fact that Luke Skywalker apparently has a cellphone in this story, YOU ARE WORRYING ABOUT THE WRONG THINGS.

climax arrived. This is the moment Optimus and Leia have been waiting,
they consumation of their love for one another, the most pleasurable
experience a robot can achieve in his fight directed existence. The Jar
Jar penis is ready to cum…Leia’s pussy is getting tighter…R2-D2 is
already cuming his cumming liquids. ..and them…it fails.



Jar Jar’s
penis get flacid and not a small drip of juice get out. It simply
failed. Leia lowered her head, all of the costumers started to shout,
profanize and throw tomatoes and lettuces at the sex slaves. Jabba got
angry, because his plan got all wrong, and everyone want the money back.
But the slaves will pay!


After they returned inside Jabba’s
palace, Jabba started to talk to them:

“Now, I gonna kill you all,
starting by…” but he was interupted.

“Sir, Luke Skywalker is
heading to our direction.”

“Luke uh…the execution will
wait…come on robots and Leia…you Optimus, stay in the cage, or Leia
dies in the Sarlacc pit if I come back and don’t see you!” and Optimus
stayied at the cell. Leia told him to go away. Luke could save them. But
he wanted to stay…his love for her created a strong bound between
them. But no, the autoboys are priority…he must go back and save them.
Optimus sneaked out of the palace and stole a ship and headed to earth.

Yes, Jabba just said he’ll kill Leia if Prime leaves. Yes, Prime left anyways. Yes, it makes no sense. OPTIMUS PRIME HAS DISNEYLAND IN HIS ASS, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT

in the ship heading back…he felt something inside his pocket. It was a
letter! From Leuia! It reads:

“Optimus, we are in middle of a
war, and you and your companions too. But, after all of this ends,
please…come back. Now I know who the men of my life is…it’s not
Solo, it you. I must stay with him after you depart…but if you come
back…my arms will be open for you. Love you so much, Leia” and the
letter ends. Optimus knew he had a long battle against the
Decepticons…but one day…he will make his woman happy…one day.

THE END. Happy birthday, Nikki. Now if you excuse me I need to drink forever.

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