?Everyone. Everyone is a winner — everyone who entered the Tweets from the Death Star contest, hell everyone who just read ’em. The contest had nearly 500 comments — meaning about 2500 entries, since it was five “tweets” per person — which made for a whole lot of nerdy entertainment. And I can prove it, too!
For instance, I don’t think a single TR list or article or contest has ever gotten as many tweets as this thing — 170! Second, ScifiWire was so bemused that they made their own Top 20 list out of my contest, which is actually very weird when you think about it, but whatever. Last and certainly not least, one bright lad actually started a DeathStarTweets account at Twitter, where he’s been tweeting not only the best tweets from the contest, but a few of his own. You definitely need to follow him if you’re on Twitter.
See? Told you I could prove it. Now before you hit the jump, please understand that many people did not pay strict attention (or didn’t give a shit) and just made general Star Wars tweets. I allowed these people to get Honorable Mentions, because why the hell not. Now check out some of the finest tweets to emanate from the Death Star.
Ooh — one more thing before we start — just to clarify. People who are sending the tweets are labeled as the name followed by a colon. Any name with an “@” in front of it is a person being replied to. Some entries don’t have names, just people they’re tweeting, as it were. Which is fine. A few HMs have more than one tweet listed; tweets listed directly after each other are part of a conversation, tweets separated by a space have nothing to do with each other. Anyways, on with the show.
TK421: Nocked out, yelld at 4 not @ post, and lost uniform to boot. ASSigned 2 garding cell blok 1138. Could this day get ANY worse? FML
Zombie Wolfman said:
Clonelover: LOL just saw gay golden droid come out of closet. Also Gary’s dead.
Clone1028: Got security vid of @Clone3827 bumping head on door. He thought no 1 noticed. LOL Watch & comment: http://bit.ly/arcbHW
@BigPapaPalpintine You sure you don’t want to to order a thermal exhaust post cover? They are like 20 credit
DarthSidious: @Vader Please don’t choke the staff, they don’t grow on trees, Oh wait. LMAO
Han: @Chewbacca WTF, did you leave outside the bridge.
AdmiralAckbar: @Han @Chewbacca It’s a Crap
Clone9376: @Clone7245 You think your job sucks? Big green laser breezes past me and I don’t even have a rail to lean against.
Nerf_Herder: No shit, Sherlock. RT @Ol_Ben That’s no moon
Cobra Commander said:
ERguard1: @ERguard3 so you’re telling me we get 401K for just standing around in a red bath robe?
Gunner2103: @Porkins Yo momma’s so fat, before she sat down the main weapon was an outie.
Guard2644: Just saw Vader go into the cell of the only female in the galaxy. Had big S&M ball with him.
Gold_5 RT @Gold_5 hey @GoldLeader maybe you should STAY ON TARGET
CorellianPimp: I can’t believe they bought that. 12 parsecs? Might as well have been 573 wookiemiles. 9384 jawameters. Effing N00bs.
flipper baby said:
Palp: Get a load of this fully armed & operational sex robot http://t.co/potimus
R2D2DaShizit: Why do these MFer’s not understand I am telling them Vader is their F’ing DAD! Beep wooo Beep Beep Wooo MFer’s!!!!
ewok3967: 911!! What wine goes with stormtrooper meat?
ewok1138: @ewok3967 I’d try a Chatteau Bernard ’34….fruity but not too pretentious
ewok3967: @ewok1138 THX 1138!! U R LIFESAVER!!
ewok1138: @ewok3967 Nub Nub
RedLeader: All wings report in
Red2: @RedLeader Standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Foreman standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Skelton standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Dead Redemption standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Rover standing by
RedLeader: @Red2 Wedge, i think we just got hijacked by 4chan
@ReactorShaftTech5 Did an old man just fall past your station too?
WaxOnWaxMoff: Terrorist attack a government structure, and WE’RE the bad guys?! #NVR4GET
Monty Prime said:
STrooper95: Wait, why the fuck is there a reactor on the prison level? What purpose could that serve?
STrooper95: I think that guy was lying. He seemed polite though. Wish more people asked how I was.
BigPoppaPalpatine: 3500 credits per foot for guard rails? These contractors don’t know who they’re messing with!
Vader: @BigPoppaPalpatine Yeah but there IS a really big hole in your throne room. Are you sure you won’t rethink your decision?
BigPoppaPalpatine: @Vader Noooooooooooooooo!
Vader: @BigPoppaPalpatine: ……
DamFOol: Who is the bigger fool: the fool or the fool who follow him?
*You are no longer following DamFOol*
Murphys law said:
Guard33: Man it always smells like trash on cell block 1138. Why the hell did they have to put a vent to the trash compactor right in the hallway?!
KesselRunner: Tried running 2 other side of Detention Block, but it just ends at garbage chute, the rest is a painting! #cheapassimperials
hot pockets said:
stormingormin: LOLLERS @ imperial guards.
bobbieplasticpants: @stormingormin, they wear fucking red fucking dresses & they have fucking staffs. we shoot laser guns but these 8′ tampons r totally gonna stab u
stormingormin: @bobbieplasticpants watching one now. silent. looks like he’s trying to eat. using staff as fork. having trouble shoving food into enormous twat-helmet. adorable.
Clone1459: Saw @Clone6721 fall off a rail-less platform today. He totally Wilhelm’d.
SooprTrupr: It’s really more of a “Death Planet”, though. Isnt it? Or “Death Moon”, at the very least.
TheMoff: Sent Mother-in-law to Alderraan.
ScoutTrooper12345: Down on Endors moon. Natives are these rad little teddy bears. Stashed one in my rucksack. Gonna teach him to fetch me beer. FTW!!
WHITE LIGHT said:
Vader: @LukeSkywalker I fucked your mother….
LukeSkywalker: @Vader go home Dad your Drunk.
More Twittery madness on the next page!
Scooter Atreides said:
YouveGotBail: @MamaMothma DS just entered our orbit. Right, like old Emperor P-Funk’s got the onions to whack an unarmed planet!:D
MamaMothma: @YouveGotBail LOL I almost hope he does–Shit, you can’t buy that kinda publicity! We’d have more new recruits than Jabba the Hutt has sex robots!;)
YouveGotBail: @MamaMothma Ha Ha, You su
@Trooper8761 Dude, don’t say anything but I’m in the ship that just came in and I need clothes….. now. Don’t ask just help me.
Sci-Fi Gene said:
GMTarkin: remember Tuesday is Bring Your Child To Work Day! DV inviting his son too…
dstartech: OMG WHO WAS PLAYING WIT HTHE TRACKER BEAM SETTINGS U KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET THOSE BEAMS RITE????
CellBlock3A25: Bumped into interrogation droid–accidental needle stick. Droid just finished w/ Twi’lek prostitute in D17. Off to infirmary. #FML
Trooper3446: @Trooper6101 DV’s been in the bathroom for like 20 min. now. You think he’s still got bits down there or does it all go in a sack?
GruntTrooper: Great. Guess who gets to clean fried Porkins off the North Tower causeway?
Chris Blake said:
Darth: hey @luke I can’t DM you if you don’t follow me back
SpacePlumbr13: Working 12 hour shifts now. I thought 10 hours was bad! Fuck Tarkin. Can’t wait to transfer to new project at Endor
Biggs_Red3: @Luke_Red5 at that speed are you sure you’ll be able to pull out in time?
Luke_Red5: @Biggs_Red4 It’ll be just like Beggar’s Canyon back home.
Biggs_Red3: @Luke_Red5 Uh, dude. No one was supposed to know about that. We were pretty wasted.
HanSolo: @Lando, then I was like “where all fine here now” then I shot the console, epic
Clone6693: Walked past the prisoners cell. WTF is up with her hair. I don’t know whether to give her a brush or take a bite out of those cinnabuns.
Former_Republic_Clone: To think, a few years ago, I was trying to stop this place from ever being built. Now thanks to this place, I have dental. Life’s funny
Emperor_Palpatine: I like to think of this place as Satan’s bowling ball
SpamBot5367: Increase the size of your lightsaber now! http://bit.ly/aSKTb1 for more info!
501STud: Patrolled D-Bay9 today. Saw HUGE chunk text float by outside. Need to lay off the death sticks.
Slightly Illegal said:
clone2344: RT @clone5476 RT @clone3265 RT @clone1475 RT @clone6214 RT @clone0987 RT @clone6265 RT @clone2265: @boba Happy Birthday Bro!!
Clone8735: Hey, did you realize that the DS looks like a big floating boob?
Clone4523: @Clone8735 Closest you’ll ever come to one.
EmpororSid: Fine, I didnt need that deathstar anyway. I’m gonna build an even bigger one with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the deathstar!
Okay, time for the winners. Here’s the point that I normally list some lengthy and not entirely arbitrary reasons for why I selected certain people over others. This time… not so much. For whatever reason, these tweets just made me laugh the hardest. So without further ado…
CUVader: “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine” wut? LOL ur dead d00d. #shitmymastersays
DeathStarSuperLaserTech: All I have to do is pull this lever, and millions of voices will cry out in anguish, then be suddenly silenced. #tenfootboner
DeathStarPR: Don’t think of us as a “Death” Star, think of us as an “Opportunity” Star. #deathstarcares
DeathStarPR: Anyone remember the Jedi Council? “You can’t love ppl!” “Believe what we believe!” “Midichlorians!” Total douchefest LOL! -Palpatine.
DeathStarPR: If they’re really a Rebel “Alliance”, then why aren’t they on our side? #thinkaboutit
DeathStarPR: Here on the Death Star we employ 1,179,293 people with hopes, dreams & families. I guess you could call us the “Life” Star. #deathstarcares
The Life Star indeed. Thanks as always to everyone who entered, as well as all the folks who twittered this contest.