?[Editor’s Note: I know about a jillion of you are going to skip the article’s author byline, like you always do, so let me make it abundantly clear that this Daily List was written by Jill “The Nerdy Bird” Pantozzi. My dream man is, of course, Tron. –Rob]
It’s like DC Comics sent Ray Palmer and Zatanna on a secret mission into my brain. Palmer, to shrink them both down so I wouldn’t notice what was going on, and Zatanna to read my mind. In current DC continuity, there’s officially not one, but TWO Batmen running around the streets of Gotham. Two?! Can you imagine the possibilities? And I don’t mean for fighting crime. On second thought, I’ll just stick with the original, Dick doesn’t do it for me (that’s what she said.) Do you get where I’m going with this yet? No? Okay, let me spell it out for you: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH BATMAN.
No offense to Mr. Grayson but I’m in love with the man, not the suit. Well, ok, maybe the suit a little but it’s Bruce Wayne’s Batman I get all hot and bothered for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I KNOW he’s a fictional character but trust me, I’m not the only person out there with the hots for him. Don’t ask me to tell you when it started because that would only freak you out more than this list is going to already. Let’s just say I’ve had an unhealthy obsession with the Caped Crusader for a long time. And here’s why.
Let’s just get the obvious out of the way, shall we? He’s filthy rich. Emphasis on the filthy. Now, I’m no golddigger and money certainly isn’t everything, but any woman who’s gone out with a rich guy at least once in her life will tell you it certainly doesn’t hurt. “Sorry I forgot our anniversary honey, here’s some pearls.” Oh wait, probably not pearls.
13) He Has Kevin Conroy’s Voice
Why on Earth would an animated Batman get me horny? I’ve got two words for you: Kevin Conroy. That man’s voice is liquid ecstasy. I am endlessly thankful they got him to do Arkham Asylum and the forthcoming sequel Arkham City as well. I can close my eyes and picture him whispering all sorts of dirty things in my ear. And I do. Often. So when I got the chance to meet Conroy recently I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have him record a voicemail message for me. Needless to say, I call myself a lot when I’m “lonely.”
12) He’s Dark and Brooding
That’s Batman for ya. He’s dark not only figuratively but literally. Sometimes when Bruce gets his brood on I think he may have actually been the catalyst of the emo movement. Regardless, it’s the bad boy thing in effect here. Girls will usually end up with the good guy in the end but we all have that bad boy streak lurking inside us. Much like we’d appreciate Batman himself lurking inside us.
11) His Batpole
10) He Keeps His Mask On
Well, at least in Frank Mlller’s controversial All-Star Batman & Robin, when Batman and Black Canary get it on in the rain. “We keep the masks on. It’s better that way.” That line delivered by Batman was extremely disturbing and creepy at firs,t but after I thought about it for a while it was more like, “Yes. Ohhh yes.” I mean come on, if you can’t roleplay with Batman who can you roleplay with?
9) He’s Good at EVERYTHING
Sure, maybe he’s a bad boyfriend, but no one’s ever said he was a bad lay. In fact, I’ve never heard any lady friend of Bruce’s say anything derogatory about his sexual prowess at all. Think about it. His body and mind are trained to peak physical condition, what makes you think he didn’t study everything there is to know about sex too? You never know when you’re going to have to take down a crazy villainess by giving her an orgasm. What? It could happen. I know it would stop me in my tracks, that’s for sure.
8) He Looks Like Christian Bale
I confess, I’ve wanted to bang Christian Bale ever since he played Jack Kelly in Newsies, so when it was announced he’d be playing Batman I nearly orgasmed on the spot. If he’s attractive singing and dancing he’s exponentially hotter bashing villains brains in. He isn’t the only reason (I’m sure there were some boyfriends involved) but he sure reeled in the non-comic reading gals to the theaters with his portrayal of the Dark Knight. Stupid Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I’M HIS LEADING LADY!
7) You Get Matches Malone, Too
When in need of certain information from the criminal underworld, Bruce puts on the guise of Matches Malone. And he’s really good at it. When in need of spicing things up you can get him to don the sunglasses, mustache and New Jersey accent in the bedroom. So when going out with Bruce you actually get a three for one deal. Bruce, Batman and Matches.
6) The Perks
Batman can always be counted on for flowers and/or jewelry the morning after he has to disappear (or rather, Alfred can be counted on for procuring them.) Even if it means you’re not going to see him for a year because he’s going for a Thogal ritual in Nanda Parbat. Think about it, a year alone in a cave makes a man hungry. For weeks worth of sex, that is.
5) He’s Got a Great Car
“It’s the car, right? Chicks love the car.” Granted, this could have fallen under Perks but come on, the Batmobile is in a league of its own. I’m a big fan of muscle cars and the Batmobile is the ultimate muscle car. It’s got an engine that’s more powerful than turbine jet engines for goodness sake. And now it can fly! There’s just one downside, with all the gadgets Batman’s got packed in there, there’s no room for reclining seats.
4) You Never Need to Have Sex in the Same Room Twice
Ahh, Stately Wayne Manor. I don’t think we’ve ever been given an exact count to how many rooms it houses but obviously it’s a lot. And there’s nothing like spicing up the sex life by changing locations from your boring old bedroom. Not only do you have the manor itself, you’ve got the grounds and the Batcave.
3) Threesomes with the Villainesses of Your Choice
Let’s face it, pretty much every female villain who has gone up against Batman has shown some attraction for him one time or another. Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn and Talia al Ghul just to name a few. Sure, they may try to kill you afterwards because they want him all to themselves but it’s totally worth it, don’t you think? Though I wouldn’t rule out a threesome with Tommy Elliot either. He may be just as obsessed with Bruce as I am. He could be hiding some latent romantic feelings for his old playmate.
2) Lazarus Pit Access
You know, just in case you get murdered by a villain.
1) He’s Always Prepared for Anything
The Boy Scouts’ motto is “Be Prepared,” and while Superman holds the nickname of the Big Blue Boy Scout, it’s Batman who’s prepared for every eventuality (including taking down Superman). That means safe sex, and that’s always sexy. Among other things in his utility belt he’s got bat rope and bat cuffs, both of which come in very handy in the bedroom. What more could you ask for?