TR Contest: Harry Potter “Quibbler” Headlines

?Guys, I want to thank you for bearing with me and Topless Robot‘s reduced schedule while I suffered with the flu this week. I’m not quite well yet, but I’m definitely back on the upswing and everything should be back to normal next week.

Now for the contest — since last week’s was so unbelievably naughty, I figured I try and do something innocent this week. Well, innocent in the sense that I’m not bringing any depravity to the proceedings, although I’m sure you will (as long as it’s off my conscious). This week’s contest is to think up headlines from the tabloid of the Harry Potter world, The Quibbler (suggested by Topless Roboteer White Knight)

Now, the entries should sound like actual tabloid headlines, obviously; and I’ll be grading on cleverness and comedy, as per usual. One note: I’ll be giving extra points for those NOT referencing any Harry Potter FFFs — I’m sure there’ll be plenty of FFF-alluding Honorable Mentions, but I’m a little worried TR is getting a bit too self-referential (although I’d be happy to know what you guys think, especially you newcomers/infrequent commenters). Also, they don’t have to be about Harry Potter or the HP characters specifically — they can be about the world of Harry Potter, too. Think stuff like “WOMAN MARRIES HER OWN WAND — SAYS “IT MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN ANY WIZARD” (shit, I’ve made it naughty again).

That’s it. Two entries per person. You can write a little article accompanying the headline, but it probably won’t get you any extra points, and you run the risk of me ignoring it because it has too much text. The contest ends at 12:01 am EST on Monday, January 24th, 2011. You guys have a great weekend, thanks again, and if you’re having chicken for dinner… my apologies.