Movies, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: Alice and the Mad Hatter in “Alice’s New Accessories”

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alice and hatter.jpg

?I’m in a bit of a dilemma. Not only am I not emotionally ready to do an FFF today for some reason (it doesn’t feel like a Friday, it feels too soon, and I haven’t recovered from last week), I’m going to post a YouTube video in a few hours that is arguably worse than this fic. And that’s not to say this fan fic, sent in by Topless Roboteer Isaac Clarke, is particular light in horror. In fact, I’d say the trauma flows pretty heavily in this story by Niphuria. all you need to know is that it’s based on the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie, in which the Mad Hatter is named Tarrant, which is just one of the very obnoxious things about the film.

Tarrant was absolutely enthralled by his sweetling’s monthly “ladies
days.” Now that he knew what her ‘indisposition’ actually was for
several days each month he no longer had the gut-churning fear that she
was going to leave him. She had explained in detail what she experienced
during those times and now he wanted to do everything he could do to
help her.

Until now, every month since she had returned to
Underland she had kept her secret and had suffered in silence and used
woolen cloths from his Workroom to use during her flux. Poor Alice! If
she had only told him right away he could have immediately come up with
something to make her more comfortable and handle her menses with more
efficiency.

He looked at what he had come up with so far. Yes, he had created some wonderful items that he couldn’t wait to show her!

The phrase “mad as a hatter” came about because hat makers used to use mercury to make hats, and they eventually went insane from mercury poisoning. Having posted erotic fan fics for three years, you know what I say? I say hatters are pussies.

Alice
was relieved when her monthly flux was over. Ever since she had
explained it to Tarrant he had been sympathetic. Not only sympathetic,
but relieved, fascinated, curious, baffled, enthusiastic and above all,
doting. He was so very caring and understanding. And, of course, he
still wanted to…do things with her, but she had declined. A lady
couldn’t be with a man during such a time! It was unthinkable! Wasn’t
it? Oh, of course it was!

The Mad Hatter has had more emotions about Alice’s period than I’ve had during the entirety of most of my relationships.

Tarrant was also determined to find a
tea or blend of teas or even an herb that would ease her discomfort. And
he began to pamper her as if she were an invalid. He would rub her
feet, massage her back, shoulders and neck, and offer her comforting tea
or a delicious pastry at every opportunity. Not that Alice minded those
things, but his fussing nearly crossed the line when Alice went into
the bathroom to change her cloth and he practically forced his way
inside to watch her.

If that’s “nearly” crossing the line, what would actually be crossing it? Breaking into the bathroom and demand Alice menstruate into a Big Gulp cup?

Of course she realised he was just curious
and not being perverted, so she had at last relented and let him see her
flow.

BZZT WRONG ANSWER BZZT WRONG ANSWER BZZT WRONG ANSWER

It had been incredibly embarrassing for her when he had pulled
her into the connected Bathing Chamber and had her sit down and spread
her legs so he could gauge her blood loss. Not only was he utterly
fascinated but he was concerned. He repeatedly asked about her health
and when Alice had reminded him that she had begun her monthly flux
several years ago he nodded in agreement, but didn’t seem less
concerned.

He asked her how much she bled, how often her cloths
needed to be changed and if the cloths were comfortable. Alice could
practically see the gears turning in his head and couldn’t help but
wonder what that meant. For what was she in store next month?

I don’t know, but I hope she’s not LATE! SHE’S LATE! FOR A VERY IMPORTANT MENSTRUATION DATE!

I’m skipping ahead a bit. It’s a needlessly long story, and I want to keep the flow of the narrative strong, after all. Basically, the Mad Hatter invents maxi pads and is super fucking excited about it.

Several
days later Alice’s flux began once more. She had examined the garments
and pads Tarrant had created for her and had to admit that they were
works of genius. The pantalettes were comfortable and each corner in
the…feminine area…had two tiny strings. The pads Tarrant had made
were meant to lay in the…feminine area…and each had a tiny snug band
sewn atop all four corners. Alice could apply a pad and then it was
simplicity itself to slip the tiny strings beneath and then above the
bands and tie them to affix them firmly into place.

No more
shifting! No more uncomfortable wadding of fabric between her legs and
no more discomfort every time she was seated. Quite ingenious, her
Hatter was!

And a filthy pervert! But an ingenious pervert.

But just as she was about to put on her undergarments for the day Tarrant stopped her.

“Sweetling, wait.”

:”I want to take a picture of your bleeding vagina first to commemorate this moment forever.”

“Tarrant, I can’t! I’m beginning to bleed! I need to put on my new pantalettes now!”

“Oh, but for this you can wait,” he said softly and with a raised eyebrow. “I have something very special for you to try.”

“It’s a large cork you stick in your hoohah. I figure why the hell not give it a try, right?

“Tarrant, really, I…”

“Shhh…just trust me, please?”

Yes, Alice, please trust the man who is totally obsessed with your period.

Alice
thought for a moment and then nodded. They were in the Bathing Chamber
that also served as their Dressing Room, so if she needed to clean
herself the necessary items were nearby. But she was on the bench they
used to dress themselves… But if it would make Tarrant happy she would
comply.

And what is a period for if not to make a man happy?

“Very well,” she said.

Tarrant giggled.

“Now let me get my crazy straw.”

“Oh, goodie! Now, just close your eyes and open your legs. And no peeking!”

“What? Open my legs? Tarrant, if you are thinking what I think you’re thinking…”

“Oh, I assure you that I am, but I won’t follow through with it, sweetling. Just please trust me and do as I say.”

“And if you hear any slurping noises, you’re probably just imagining them.”

Alice
steeled her resolve and then did as he bade. When she felt Tarrant’s
fingers on her delicate folds she nearly jumped to her feet, but then
caught herself and remained seated. Tarrant gently separated her tender
flesh and she felt something…alien entering her. She gasped in sudden
fright.

“It’s all right, sweetling! Just keep your eyes closed. Please trust me,” Tarrant entreated.

“PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT WHAT I’M STICKING INTO YOUR VAGINA.”

Alice
swallowed hard and did as he asked. She felt his finger now, and it was
gently pushing something up inside of her. And then he stopped and
carefully withdrew his finger.

“Now, open your eyes and look.”

Alice did. And received the shock of her life.

“Tarrant, why did you stick a Hot Wheel car in my twat?”

“Tarrant! Whatever is this?” She lifted a string that had a tassel at the end. It protruded about four inches from her opening.

“It’s
a…a…well, I don’t know what to call it. But what I did was to take
some fabric and roll it tightly into a cylinder and then attach this
string with the tassel. The small cylinder inside you is my version of
something I’ve discovered that some cultures of your former world did in
such circumstances.”

Yes, the Mad Hatter has also invented the tampon. Goddamn I could use some mercury poisoning right about now.

Alice had never heard anything of the sort. What was he talking about?

“I
see you are confused,” he said, grinning widely. “Well, I read that an
ancient civilization used papyrus in a shape like what I’ve done with
wool and cotton and would insert them into the woman during her monthly
flux to keep the blood from leaving the body for a period of time. That
way the woman could work or do whatever she wished to do and not have to
worry about what you’ve always had to. Mine should last for some hours,
I’d wager, and you wouldn’t have to rely on the pads all the time.
Besides, you now can sleep in the nude again!”

Unsurprisingly, the Hatter has Wonderland’s most extensive collection of books on the history of menstruation.

Alice was intrigued.

“And the tassel? Is that how I am supposed to remove this?”

“Actually, if you move around just right, I think you can make it twirl.”

“Of
course! I wanted to make it simple for you. But I can substitute small
rings or buttons or even a knot if you prefer. I simply want to make
certain that you can remove it safely and easily.”

“Or I can attach it to a doorknob, so it comes flying out of your pussy whenever anybody shuts the door. Your call, really.”

Alice was now
speechless. She tentatively stood. She barely even felt it! Of course
Tarrant hadn’t made it especially thick, but it was obviously thick
enough. The blood that had already begun to stain her thighs was now
dried and there wasn’t a drop of fresh blood in sight. The item was
working!

It’s a tampon of Absorption +3! It’s an item that sometimes shows up with Treasure Types P, M and S.

Tarrant left her for a moment, wetted a washcloth and returned to her.

“Sit down, sweetling. Please?”

Grateful
but still mystified, Alice obeyed. When Tarrant knelt before her she
dutifully opened her legs and let him clean her. Then he smiled up at
her. He ran the cloth over her soft femininity and Alice allowed herself
to enjoy the pleasurable feel.

“Sweetling, may I?” His eyes were green and passion-flecked with gold.

Alice
looked into his deep and loving eyes. He wanted to pleasure her.
Well…other than the tassel that was not actually even in the way…why
not?

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think that because this started out all about the Mad Hatter being obsessed with Alice’s period that there wouldn’t be sex? Oh no. Oh no no no.

She smiled and nodded. Tarrant grinned and caressed her
thighs, tracing light patterns on them with his roughened fingertips.
Alice closed her eyes. Tarrant bent forward and kissed and licked the
insides of her thighs and she moaned in pleasure. In her mind’s eye
Alice felt as though she were flying. And it wasn’t just because of the
pleasure Tarrant was giving her; it was something more. It was because
she had found out once again that something that was a social taboo
Above didn’t have to be that way. And not just in Underland, but Above
as well. And that made the cat-like licks that Tarrant now teased into
her soft petals of sensitivity all the sweeter.

And, ironically,
during her menses she was unusually sensitive and more easily aroused.
Why was that? Why would that be when during the time a woman could not
enjoy the full experience of…

Of all the modern misuses of “ironically,” this is the one that makes me want to destroy the fucking world and leave no trace of humanity for any alien civilizations to find, less another sentient being somehow read that sentence again.

She gasped again and leaned
backwards a little, closing her eyes in order to better appreciate the
beautiful sensations. Tarrant was now stroking her hips while softly
exhaling his warm breath on her pink folds. She shuddered and heard him
laugh softly. Now his hot wet tongue was flicking over her flesh,
dancing around her tiny nub of pleasure and teasing her mercilessly.

Then the tampon string got caught in-between his teeth, and he had to stop for a minute.

Alice
gently curled her fingers into his soft orange hair, encouraging him.
And then she felt it brush against her inner thighs and she shuddered
again. Oh, this felt divine! Now Tarrant used his tongue on her in
earnest, laving it all around her sex, breathing hotly on her, and then
nipping and then flattening his tongue on her delicate point of
pleasure.

To Alice’s surprise she came quickly and came hard. She
had never reached her climax so soon before! After her panting subsided
she looked at Tarrant in wonder and confusion.

“You appear to be very sensitive indeed, sweetling,” he smirked. “Shall we adjourn to the bedroom and continue this?”

Alice
smiled slowly. Why not?

Because your vagina is bleeding? I’m not saying some people don’t do it, I’m just saying it’s a reason, toots.

This was so very, very good and so utterly
scandalous! What ever would her mother think?

My guess: “Fucking gross.”

Then again, she remembered
that her parents had been very happy indeed. She wondered if… No.
Probably not! But they must have loved as vigourously and passionately
and she and Tarrant.

“Of course! But, just one thing, Tarrant. The
tassel…don’t you think that it is a bit more than I actually need to
remove this…insert?”

Huh?

Tarrant’s eyes glowed with mischief.

“Sweetling, I made that more for myself than for you.”

What?

He
winked at her, took the tassel between two fingers and then traced it
over her swollen and sensitive flesh. It tickled and tingled and Alice
trembled. She moaned and grasped his shoulders, digging her nails into
them. Even though he wore a shirt she would probably leave nail marks on
him.


toht face melting.jpg

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OH MY FUCK, IS HE MASTURBATING HER WITH HER TAMPON?

Tarrant suddenly stood and grinned. He extended his hands and carefully assisted Alice to her feet.

“To the bedroom, then?”

Alice’s
eyes were almost entirely silver and as she attempted to walk she
instead sagged against him and Tarrant giggled. He swept her up into his
arms and carried her.


Oh, Tarrant
was right! Since her breasts were also incredibly sensitive at this time
of the month their lovemaking was just as special, albeit different,
than usual. Of course penetration was out of the question, but they had
other ways to pleasure each other.

Okay, stop for a second. The Mad Hatter has 1) stuck an unknown object in Alice’s vagina, 2) giving her oral sex during her period, and 3) has gotten her off with her own inserted tampon. Why exactly is penetration “out of the question”? Can she not take the tampon out? Is it stuck? Or is this where Alice draws the line, at having actual regular sex during her period? Oh, it would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.

Tarrant had her lay against him
as he sat back upon the propped up pillows. He stroked and teased her
breasts for a long time, avoiding her hyper-sensitive nipples. Just when
Alice thought she could bear no more he finally lightly pinched and
twisted her nipples and she thrust herself backwards against him hard.
Her entire body quivered and shook of its own accord. Then he suddenly
slipped his fingers between her thighs and stroked her for only a few
moments before she came, shivering and trembling and hoarsely crying out
his name.

When she was spent and lay limply back against him Tarrant kissed the top of her head.

“Sweetling, are you pleased? Most thoroughly and deliciously and scandalously pleased?”

Alice was still panting but she giggled all the same.

“Not quite,” she said, leaning forward and turning her head to look at him. “We still have your pleasure to consider!”

“Sweetling, your pleasure is my pleasure!”

Alice
moved until she was laying on the bed propped on her elbows. She eyed
his bulging erection. He was so aroused that the tip was almost purple.

“Oh, really?” she teased. She moved forward and flicked her cat-like tongue over the tip.


cheshire cat.jpg

?

Tarrant
closed his eyes and buried his fingers in her love-tangled hair. It was
obvious that she appreciated his creations on her behalf!

Well, not only her…

THE END. Now, lest you think that this was some kind of crackfic, I want to make two things known to you. Frst, I deleted a lot of set-up in the story, and in actuality, it runs 4,000 words long. 4,000 WORDS ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF THE MAD HATTER AND ALICE’S PERIOD. Second… well, I’ll let this author’s note explain it:

I
hope you enjoyed this follow-up to “No Escaping It This Time.” I
thought this story would be appropriate as Tarrant now fully understands
Alice’s monthly ‘problem’ and it would definitely be like him to want
to assist her any way he can. And if some pleasure comes his way due to
such assistance, well, who would he be to refuse a lady?

IT’S A SEQUEL TO ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF THE MAD HATTER AND ALICE’S PERIOD.
You know what the worst thing about this story is, though? It’s that the video I’m going to post in a couple of hours is arguably worse.