?This is an exciting year for Pok?mon fans. Heck, it’s an exciting week for Pok?mon fans, too — this Sunday is the day that Pok?mon Black and Pok?mon White will be released. These two new games mark the beginning of the fifth Pok?mon generation, and will include 156 all-new Pok?mon to the mix, almost none of which look like evolutions of previous ones. This bring the total of Pok?mon someone has to capture to “catch ’em all” up to 649!
That’s not a typo. There are really 649 different Pok?mon.
If you thought that it’s amazing that the Japanese artists Nintendo keep chained to their cubicles can still come up with cool new Pok?mon designs 15 years after the first games debuted… you are an incredibly positive person. Because they can’t and aren’t. No one could. If you look closely at the 156 new Pok?mon of White and Black, you notice some lazy designs, some stupid designs, and some designs so ugly even the youngest Pok?-addict might think before trying to fit it in a Pok?ball. Here are 12 of the ugliest new Pok?mon from the White and Black games (please keep in mind that these names are subject to change, as Americans don’t have their hands on the game yet).
?Pok?mon are supposed to emulate real world animals, but it’s getting harder and harder to guess at what Nintendo was going for with each of these. For instance, maybe Scrafty here is supposed to be some sort of newt? Unlike the uncreative and obvious names of previous ones like Zubat and Seel, some creature names are far less telling. It seems that Scrafty is supposed to be good at fighting, but how it is supposed to pull off kicking or punching moves as it awkwardly tries to keep its pants on? And are the pants just loose, or are they… full?
?This isn’t an animal. This is an ice cream cone. While the right side of this Pok?mon finds delight in the fact that it is spewing something out of its brain through its forehead chimney/straw face, the left looks as if it has a brain freeze, most likely from itself. Maybe when the Nintendo team ran out of ideas, they went out for ice cream and, in a moment of terrible epiphany, came up with this pathetic and ugly creature from hell frozen-over.
?Maybe some people don’t think that this one is hideous… then again maybe they have an alien baby fetish. Since this is this Pok?mon’s final evolution, there is no way that this is a tadpole, although that would have been a good guess. Instead, this creature is nothing but a fetus suspended in a really quite perturbing jelly-like substance. Besides being suspended in liquid like Walt Disney’s head, this baby version of Perfect Dark’s Elvis deserves a place in Pok?mon infamy.
?Eels don’t have arms, and they certainly don’t have gross and flagellum-like arms with claws on them such as this disgusting specimen. In fact, even the best scientist would look away in terror and give up his scientific pursuits should he come across this on the ocean floor. Unfortunately, Eelektross doesn’t have fur; otherwise it would merit the beatings that come so undeservedly to baby seals.
?Again, Nintendo has abandoned animal roots for something that looks like it belongs inside a grandfather clock, or maybe even a car. How could something like this possibly attack anything? Much like a fish, this Pok?mon wouldn’t be fun to play with. But unlike a fish, it doesn’t even have the benefit of looking exceptional. It is a good thing that this thing doesn’t actually exist, because if it did, creationists everywhere would finally have definitive proof of their anti-Darwinian claims. Although then one might question the cruelty of a god who could create such an abomination of nature.
?Mushharna has all the appeal of a sea cucumber. One would think that Nintendo’s stock photo of this Pok?mon wouldn’t show it defecating, but no such luck. Maybe, much like Snorlax, this thing spends its days eating and going to the bathroom. Its pink and purple cuteness is completely overshadowed by whatever the hell it’s doing. Depending on whether or not the hole in the front is a blowhole or its mouth will make a lot of difference in determining how hideous it is.
?If the game Spore is any indication, making anything mushroom-shaped is a poor decision; Nintendo clearly didn’t get the memo. And as if the Pok?ball symbol wasn’t omnipresent in the Pok?mon universe already, Nintendo adorned Amoonguss with three of them. Just the lips on this thing could easily make someone nauseous. This thing looks like a reject from the Mushroon Kingdom, as if Princess Peach banished the most hideous servant in her fungal aristocracy. Hopefully Nintendo strays away from giving this Pok?mon its own moves. “Mushroom Stamp” might not go over well with parents.
?Something wicked this way comes It seems that Nintendo wanted to ease this creature’s hideousness by adding a happy smile and a heart-shaped nose, but the nose is unsettlingly orifice-like. No creature needs an opening on their body that big unlike they’re going to stick something in it, and unfortunately, the heart-shape forces one to think it’s romantically related. So in conclusion, the Swoobat clearly has nasal sex. That’s gross.
?In the newer generations, Pok?mon have become more and more synthetic-looking. Among fans, Genesect here will have special status for being rare, or rather, a Legendary type. One can only assume that this Legendary is unfairly powerful but because it brings a gun to a cock fight — a giant laser gun that probably causes back problems for him later in life. Hatred for this creature stems from its smile; because it is fused to its face, it is a liar’s smile, full of daggers. “What’s the matter, Ash?” it will say as it brutally murders everyone in the inevitable movie that will surely come out since Japan’s still obsessed with making them.
?For the average person who cringed and soiled themselves when the giant moth in Resident Evil 2 attacked, the nightmare continues. If any Pok?mon were to lay its eggs in a person’s chest, it would be Volcarona. Its offspring would then burn their way out of their chest, dropping out like hot-coal encrusted larvae. Fat, furry, and flying are a sick combination that should only be acceptable for squirrels.
?For Sigilyph, Nintendo chose to create a Pok?mon that looks like should be hanging in an arts and crafts store in a Mexican airport. Perhaps the team was looking at various ponchos and just drew up the weirdest, least promising design. There is no elegance or common sense in its construction. It seems to have only two useful appendages; its wings and nothing more. Perhaps Professor Oak thought to play his hand in godliness and fused together different Pok?mon, creating an inbred creature destined to perpetuate nothing more than loathing and torch-wielding mobs.
?Holy science! The hippies and the crying Indian were right! Look what humans have done to their beautiful planet! This thing is screaming because it knows what it is, a walking pile of trash. Even if Nintendo was trying to make the ugliest Pok?mon possible here, it is cruel to conceive of such an atrocity. Its arms are made of straws and maybe some rope, but deep within its impossibly gooey body is a used-condom heart of disappointment. Anyone with even a shred of kindness should put such a creature out of its misery immediately upon encountering it. Ugly is not enough of an adjective. This thing treads upon the Earth wishing to die Not only is Garbodor the ugliest Pok?mon of the new generation, but it is most undoubtedly the ugliest Pok?mon ever.