?I always feel like I need to preface these articles with the caveat that I am a really big Disney fan. Some folks get down on the mouse, but not this Topless Roboteer. So in my course of collecting Disneyana and booking hotel reservations at Disney’s Wilderness Lodge, I have noticed one major thing: perverts love Disney shit.
I get the feeling that Rule 34 — the rule that everything, no matter how weird, is sexually arousing to someone, and that someone put an erotic fan fic or fan art of that something getting fucked on the internet –was invented just to cover the vast amount of Disney garbage out there. And there are some characters who show up frequently: Disney Princesses especially, but don’t forget everybody from the Disney Afternoon and Toon Disney. I’ve wracked my brain thinking of 10 Disney characters that it would take someone of extraordinarily sick taste to twist into something sexy. Take that as a challenge, sickos!
10) Horn Ducks, Alice in Wonderland
?Forgot about these guys, didn’t you? They’re one of the denizens of Tulgey Wood in Alice in Wonderland, and they’re horns with feet and eyes. Sure, they have all the right parts, but as far as my internet search tells me, they have yet to be molested into the ground. You’d have to remember them, first off, which is a large task to begin with (only 7 pictures of them on DeviantART), then say to yourself, “I would like to have sex with this,” then figure out a way to do it that doesn’t offend God.
9) Joe, Lady and the Tramp
?Forgot there were real people in Lady and the Tramp, huh? Joe was the chef of Tony’s restaurant, while Tony was just the glad-handing owner. You can tell he’s the chef because he wears a big chef’s hat, while Tony does not. There is very little that is sexy about Joe. Unless you have a fantasy about jumping on a kitchen worker with a bad grasp of the English language, he’s not on the top of your list. Internet search turned up nothing sexy, so go to it, you Italian stereotype fetishists!
8) Stegosaurus, Fantasia
?Minor character in a wordless movie? Sure, but we all felt bad when the stegosaurus was killed during the Rite of Spring segment of Fantasia. Internet, it’s up to you to write the story where, right before the stegosaurus dies, Doctor Who zips back in the TARDIS to have a quick poke at it. Then you will truly have gone over to the dark side.
7) Mr. Snoops, The Rescuers
?I can’t believe I actually spent time trying to determine if there was erotic fanfic about Mr. Snoops, the toady from The Rescuers. From what I’ve seen, no, but I spent a minute part of my life searching for it and I’m going to have to live with that. He’s a fat nerd who wears a cr?me- colored suit, which I’m sure appeals to some sort of personality, but luckily for the world it’s a sort that doesn’t feel the need to put their dark desires down on paper. Hey, someone had to love Newman from Seinfeld.
6) ‘Big Daddy’ La Bouff, The Princess and the Frog
?There are very few people I know who don’t like John Goodman, and the character he played in The Princess and the Frog was basically an animated John Goodman, but according to a soul-crushing internet search, he’s not starred in any stories where he drops his pants and gets his Mardi Gras on. I did, however, find a story where someone felt like the Princess and the Frog didn’t have enough Final Fantasy elements, and had it cross over with Aerith and Cloud. That was possibly more disturbing than Big Daddy’s penis. Author’s Note: The character of Lampwick from Pinocchio, after he turned into a donkey was going to be #6, but then I actually found some sex story about him and my soul died.
5) Ranger J. Audubon Woodlore
?After seeing that someone had done a version of Joe and Tony dressed as the Mario Brothers, I thought that DeviantART had some picture of everyone on it. Not so. There is no image of J. Audubon Woodlore, erotic or otherwise, which is sad since Joe and Tony only had about 30 seconds of total screen time while Ranger Woodlore starred in six shorts and guested on Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color. To put this fuddy tub in a sexual situation for a story or drawing…well, I think we’d all lose.
4) The Tar Baby, Song of the South ?
?You know what, internet? If you want to find a blob of tar with two buttons and a cork sexy, you go ahead. Thankfully I couldn’t find perverse stories or pictures, but when finding pics of grown men having sex with every kind of Pokemon imaginable is easy, it’s only a small leap of faith to think someone has wanked to this glob of goo. So go ahead, weirdos, wank all you want to this little picture. And stay away from schools. Author’s Note: At this point in searching the internet, I got sick of it all and had to turn the computer off of a while.
3) Allan-a-Dale, Robin Hood
?People often cite Disney’s Robin Hood as the first emergence of furries into popular culture, as people took a shine to Robin and Maid Marion in ways they hadn’t to Pluto and Chip and Dale (all stars of their own erotica, thank you very much). But my torrid internet search only came up with a photo of the rooster balladeer watching Robin and Maid Marion doing it, so I don’t think that actually counts as “someone found the rooster with Roger Miller’s voice sexy”. Which is, given all I’ve had to look at, a small comfort.
2) Slim, A Bug’s Life
?Thankfully, my searches turned up no Bug’s Life erotica, however I did see a reference to people complaining that there wasn’t any. Slim was the unassuming stick insect from the film, voiced by David Hyde Pierce. Personally, I find nothing sexy about multi-legged stick insects or David Hyde Pierce, but that could be a deficiency on my part. But hey, he’s got multiple arms for touching (shudder), and the polite demeanor, which may press the right buttons for some people. Frasier did very well for a while, and the whole cast of that show was ickier than Slim.
1) Hen Wen, The Black Cauldron
?Ladies and gents, when a writer describes something weird, he or she normally says something like “but I’m not judging you.” Here’s where I differ from them: if you want to have sex with a pig, I’m judging you. I will judge you until the day you die. Do not fuck the pig from The Black Cauldron. Do not write stories where you fuck the pig from The Black Cauldron. Drawing photos of it will not make you cool, it will only reserve you a deeper spot in hell. Leave Hen Wen alone, perverts.