Merchandise, Miscellaneous

Worst Nerd Shirt Ever: And The Winners Are

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Hey folks, Rob gave me the honor of judging this week’s contest and I know I have said it before but you guys really outdo yourself with your entries. However, this isn’t always a good thing. You see, so many of you submitted shirt ideas that were absolutely terrific they should be not only made, but cherished (and possibly framed). Dr. Doom chilling with the cast of E.R.? Oh hell yes. Paul Atreides as a spice-loving chef? I need that in my life right now. If this was a Best Nerd Shirt Ever contest, many of you would have won easily. But a ton of you guys submitted entries for shirts that were actually great instead of horrible.This posed a problem when it came time for me to judge. While your ideas were very entertaining, often they were with entries that were anything but the worst. With three shirts on the line, to be victorious you had to come up with a shirt that was so bad it crossed into a heretofore realm of awfulness/offensiveness/unpleasantness that only the most bold would ever dare explore. Fortunately, a lot of you were still up to the challenge.

Before we kick off this fashion freak show, Topless Robot would once again like to extend a very special thanks to the awesome folks over at Split Reason for sponsoring this contest. Whether you won, just got an honorable mention or didn’t even place at all, you’ll probably be able to find some nerdy apparel from them. Hit the jump and see what won!


Honorable Mentions (in no particular order):

Kiefziel said:

Jar Jar Binks. Just an unmarked, uninjured, unmolested picture of Jar Jar Binks’s face.

Simple but effective.

EShea said:

Picture of Joss Whedon. Above Caption: I’m A Need’en Whedon.

I’ll leave it to you to decide what’s worse, the rhyme or blind devotion to everything Joss does. **cough** Alien Resurrection **cough**

Jareth said:

The racist ice cream truck twins from Revenge of the Fallen. Flashing gang signs.

Christ, I can totally imagine this existing. And that terrifies me.

The Fame00 said:

Any shirt that the wearer has made to advertise their own blog, comic,
nerdy property, that they plan only to wear themselves. Because only the
truest of nerds would self-promote their own nerdiness at such a level.

This bothers me as well for irrational reasons. Or maybe I’m just sad I don’t have a TR shirt of my own. Grr.

CD said:

Current day Carrie Fisher, pre-Weight Watchers, in the slave outfit.

You can just count the reasons such a thing would be wrong, couldn’t you?

Grant the Jester said:

Black shirt, centered is a graphic of a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon with
TARDIS windows and light on top. But it’s one of those electronic shirts
and whenever it senses a new wifi signal from a coffee house it plays
the TARDIS engine noise and lights up.

Nightmare or hipster fantasy? You decide.

Nostromo’s Second Android said:

A picture of meowth bending over with a Pokeball where his butthole should be.
“ASS TO MEOWTH” written underneath.

Hope you guys weren’t eating lunch when you read that one.

mythbri said:

A long T-shirt that ends about six inches below the hips of the wearer,
with a picture of a bare ass on the back approximately right where the
wearer’s would be. On the front of the T-shirt is printed the words
“That’s no moon.”

A cheap joke, but it works beautifully.

Giveumtheboot said:

You got Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect being Lifted off the ground by a
beam of light while Towlie is down below looking mournfully upward. On
the back it says “don’t forget to bring a towel.”

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to South Park? How unexpected! I suppose this could be interpreted as more awesome than awful for some of you, but hey, it’s only an HM and not a shirt-winner, so get off my back!

David said:

A shirt that has the Twilight logo on it. Nothing else, just that.

Fish in a barrel people. FISH IN A BARREL.

The Lewd Ood said:

A picture of Rob Schneider as Fergee in Judge Dredd and the quote “It’s better than prison”

Come to think of it, maybe “explanations for Rob Schneider’s career longevity” would make a good contest idea.

The Amazing Rando said:

For my real entry I’m going to make a front-back combo shirt. On the
front of the shirt is Cheetara riding her thunder-staff like a stripper
pole with he breasts wrapped around the staff with the words “be honest
you’d hit that”. On the back of the shirt is the rest of Cheetara her
legs are firmly wrapped around her staff with her camel toe in plain
sight, this time it reads “I’d go bestiality for that.”

But…but…she’s a fucking cartoon man!

whatsmyhouse said:

I Frak on the First Date

Hands up if you think using the word “frak” in daily conversation is a punchable offense.

Bazzinga said:

A Batman costume print T-shirt done in the style of the Joel Schumacher films complete with nipples.

Again, I could totally see this being worn at Wizard World. And if memory serves, Bazzinga wasn’t the only person who came up with this idea. You sick fucks.

Kellyanne said:

A picture of Jabba wearing the slave Leia get-up with the caption: “Jabba The Slut.”

Obvious yes, but mark my words — somewhere deep in the bowels of Rancho Obi Wan this exists. The rest of the honorable mentions and the winners are on the next page:

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Negathle said:

Zhaan from Farscape and Vash the Stampede from Trigun planting a tree with the caption “Plants Are Your Friends.”

What, no love for Captain Planet?

Gort said:

A “The Governator” T-shirt.

Timely and true.

sappy404 said:

TEAM KANEDA with a picture of Robert Pattinson’s face.

Could happen.

Chyromatic said:

Coed Naked Quidditch. Grab hold of your stick, and watch out for flying balls.

As someone whose wardrobe rotates between a silk-screened K-9 shirt, a black hoodie, and a brown T-shirt, I’d admittedly out of the fashion loop. So I have to ask, do they still make “Co-ed Naked…” shirts? How about those hilarious “Big Johnson” ones? Man, that shit cracked me up back in 1991. Good times.

ILDC said:

A normal picture of one of the new My Little Ponies with a caption like “Sexy Stud.”

Is it Fan Fiction Friday all ready?

Doctor Flarb said:

A shirt with a picture of a Michael Bay. Only one can be made, and Rob must wear it.

Hi Rob!

Dillon J said:

A picture of Jason Voorhees and the lyrics to Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”

How awesomeful. I wonder if Dillon will be attending this year’s ROFLcon?

PeterJR1961 said:

A simple black te shirt with “Galactica 1980 Rules” written on the front and a pitcute of Starbuck and Doctor Zee on the back.

C’mon Peter, that’s a little low. Robbie Rist is a really cool guy.

Boredlizzie:

1. First, take any shirt with a nerdy logo or design
on it. Then, superglue gears, watch parts, and random junk drawer
hardware onto it. Next, sell on Etsy for $80 under the “steampunk”
category.

2. Any shirt that is blatant plagiarism of another artist’s designs,
with tiny details or coloring changed to make it look “different.”

She speaks the truth.

Exovel said:

My Sex Life is in Beta

And if you were to wear this shirt, yours would be too!

intothenight said:

“My midichlorian count is OVER 9000!”

Ugh. I wonder if there are prequel-loving nerds who have created their own midichlorian counts. This rings so true, so it must be.

tredlow said:

No pictures. Just a black shirt, with big, white letters: “This shirt is reminding you that an ET porn parody existed.”

It’s true, it’s so horribly true.

Scooter Atreides said:

An official Harkonnen Slave Boy shirt complete with built-in fake heart plug.

I must admit that I am in the midst of a Dune frenzy right now (don’t judge), so this shirt idea seems so wonderfully wrong. Nice work Scooter.

jason michael macisaac said:

You know that lesbian poster The Kiss, the two girls in white panties
and t-shirts kissing on the bed? THAT as a t-shirt but with Sloth from
Goonies and C.H.U.D.

I’ll admit it, I came after reading about that one. Hot.

DECEK said:

Imagine a shirt where on it is a beautiful Star Wars wedding scene, with
Batman and Neo in the crowd with the rest of the main Star Wars cast.
Then in the center of it all, the bride and groom are Doctor Who
inspired babyfurs. They are wetting themselves. At the bottom of the
shirt is a geocities hosted weblink to the fanfiction.

You son of a bitch, that’s horrible…in other words, well done. And now for a very special HM.

Ezkiel Light, Grant the Jester, Sashaisme and Grey Wolf put their demented heads together and came up with this beauty:

FFF.jpg

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 Now for the winners…

The Prof355OR said:

Rob my entry is inspired by one of your awful posts.
Now before I post “Hot Chick Heaven”, I have to say that really the
worst nerd shirts are those that are deliberate to insult a group of
nerds. For example wearing Star Trek at a Star Wars convention or
vice-versa. A bigger crime of course is wearing an awful movie related
shirt to a comic/cartoon convention. See how many fans will like you
showing up with an X-Men 3 shirt at a comic convention. You get the
picture. So my entry is so awful that only the most depraved members of
society would enjoy wearing this shirt. Thank you Rob I present you with
“Hot Chick Heaven”:

http://i862.photobucket.com/albums/ab182/the_pr0f3550r/sonic_horror.gif

Wow. I didn’t embed the above pic, you can thank me later. Honestly, the “orange juice” bit is still so disturbing. 

Darth Dorkus said:

A poorly hand-drawn, home-made topless robot shirt: (1) I’d be pissed
off because they were faking it and hadn’t really won the contest, (2)
I’d be pissed off because this would be such an act or nerdery that in a
way they should have won it, (3) I’d be pissed off because I would
secretly understand and feel a deep, deep sense of shame. At any rate,
that person would be in for one epic ass kicking. And then I would have
to go and drink myself into a coma.

Darth makes some good points here AND references getting shloshed. Given the basic tenets of this site, it seems only right to give him a shirt. Nerdery and booze are what keeps TR running I suppose.

Moon said:

I thought of TRULY THE WORST NERD SHIRT EVER. Someone would conceivably
wear this. And it is awful and would lead to some kind of confrontation: A black t-shirt with white lettering that quite simply states, “Douglas
Adams contributed absolutely nothing to the history of nerdery.”

Moon, I have to say that if I saw a nun, small child or someone in a wheelchair wearing the shirt you mentioned, I would have no problem kicking their ass. Judging a contest like this is subjective to me sure, but you really played upon my love for Adams here. So enjoy your shirt, you magnificent bastard. And to everyone else, thanks for playing and better luck next time!