?One day far back in the mists of internet time, someone published a nerdy article that had been carefully constructed to resemble a list. It didn’t matter that this was just some ingenious new hook to get you reading; a new phenomenon was instantly born. The love you showed that very first list was pure and unfettered… and then you reached the second paragraph, and unsettling doubts began to form somewhere in the back of your consciousness. During the fourth paragraph, things started to go horribly, horribly wrong. And as you finished the last sentence, the only thing saving you from a rage-induced aneurism was the knowledge that you could charge into the comments section and give the writer a well-deserved piece of your mind.
Ever since that long-ago day, it’s been abundantly clear that there’s no better way to ignite your fury than through a harmless little list. Harmless or not, however, it can feel at times as if the writer is deliberately trying to provoke you. Or perhaps you’re just being a paranoid, over-sensitive jerk. Whatever the case, I’m sure we can all agree there’s no better way to stir up trouble, make lifelong enemies and create total chaos than by earnestly expressing yourself with a nerdy list. And here are the top seven reasons why this particular one will get your blood boiling.
7) I’m Blatantly Ignoring Something You Love
?It could be your favorite movie, TV show or comic. It could be your favorite fictional character, videogame or action figure. The point is, I’m not including it in this list, even though it should obviously be here, in a position where no one can dispute its superiority. Starting to get that not-so-fresh, slapped-in-the-face feeling? Wait, it gets worse. Because I’m not going to mention that thing you love dearly even in an offhanded way, admitting that I recognize its greatness, but that I can’t include it here for a variety of nit-picky reasons. No, I’m going to completely and utterly ignore it. And by doing so, it’s like that beloved movie//TV show/comic/fictional character/videogame/action figure of yours doesn’t even exist. Which was basically my plan all along. By failing to mention your favorite… whatever… I’ve in effect erased its very existence. Ha!
6) Clearly, I Have No Idea What I’m Talking About
?This list has only barely started and you’re already asking yourself how someone so offensive, so unfunny, so mind-numbingly stupid could be allowed to communicate his opinions in list form. Will they let just anyone write a list these days? Apparently. Do I have even an ounce of nerd cred? Not really. Do I have the vaguest clue what Green Lantern’s secret identity is? Nope. Am I nevertheless going to keep writing this list? Yup. And you’re going to just sit there and take it.
5) This List Is Undoubtedly A Parody, Poking Gentle Fun at the Easily Annoyed… Or Is It?
?For better or worse, you were going along with it all until this very second, when it suddenly occurred to you that it’s quite possible I’m not just some fellow nerd-type laughing with you, but that I’m in fact laughing at you. I mean, there’s no way for you to know for sure, is there? I can say it right here in black and white, but maybe I’m just being sarcastic. Maybe — probably — all this is at your expense. That warm flush you just felt in your cheeks? That’s the first sign of your imminent rage.
4) There Are Several Places in This List Where My Writing Is Severely Lacking
?Have I used the same adjective more than once? Am I trying too hard to give off that too-cool-for-school vibe through my overly-hip style? Am I using far too many hyphens? The answer is: yes… although no one but you could possibly get so irritated by it. It’s like an affront to your very soul. Especially the uses-way-too-many-hyphenated-words-and-phrases writing style. You’re already looking forward to the comments section, a scathing retort half-formed in your roiling nerd brain.
3) This Topic Is Incredibly Out of Date
?This entire subject is soooo old. Nerds have been getting angry at lists for years and years. It’s way too late. Why write a parody now? Answer: because it annoys you.
2) I Didn’t Do Any Research at All
?If I hadn’t been such a lazy bastard, I would have attempted at least a bare minimum of research and told you exactly how many years nerds have been getting angry at lists. But I didn’t. I could have looked up Green Lantern’s secret identity with a quick Google search. But I didn’t. (Does he even have a secret identity? Who cares!) Because I’m not bound by the same strict rules that guide you angry nerds. I’m above you all, floating like Captain Shazam. And the only way to knock me off my high and mighty perch is with your hurtful comments, fired at me like missiles made of Criptonite or something.
1) You Could Have Been Reading a Real List Today
?Has it occurred to you yet that if this list wasn’t taking up valuable real estate here at Topless Robot, you could have been reading something genuine, like “11 Ways Catwoman is A Better Date than Wonder Woman” or “8 G.I. Joe Characters who May Secretly Be Communists?” Instead, you’re still trying to figure out if this is all just satire or some thinly-veiled attack merely masquerading as satire. Whatever it’s supposed to be, one thing is certain — it’s a complete waste of time. And while wasting time doesn’t get you outright angry, it still kind of ticks you off in a wasted-four-and-a-half-minutes-of-my-life-I’ll-never-get-back way. Also, there are those damned hyphens again. The comments section awaits…