9 Products Godzilla (or a Reasonable Facsimile) Has Shilled

?Destroying Tokyo is a lot of fun, but it doesn’t exactly pay the bills. So while Godzilla might like to blow off steam by toppling Tokyo Tower in his spare time, he still has to go earn a paycheck like the rest of us poor schlubs. I mean, he has to get at least a 100-inch flat screen just to watch anything, and his prescription for Prozac comes in dump-truck size (and most health insurance only covers up to Buick-size. What, you don’t think a 250-foot tall monster gets depressed?). Godzilla may be nearly indestructible, but even he is not impervious to the awesome power of capitalism. So here are nine products Godzilla — or very Godzilla-like giant monsters, at least — have hawked to the masses over the years.

9) Smart Cars

Whoa, okay, if Godzilla isn’t getting some money for this he should sue. It’s got a monster that is doing some very Godzilla-like stomping, which is completely trademarked by Godzilla. Further, it’s got a Smart Car breaking his foot. I’m sure if he didn’t approve this commercial, it’s got to be some sort of defamation to imply that a Smart Car could possibly hurt him.

8) Dutch Candy

This commercial has Godzilla (or at least one of the giant, bipedal lizards native to the Netherlands) hawking for the Dutch candy company, Venco. I don’t understand what this commercial is trying to say, and perhaps Godzilla didn’t either, but it seems to be “If you’re traumatized by transvestites, reach for the soothing taste of Venco!”

7) Thai Gasoline

I’m not exactly sure if this is Godzilla considering that this Godzilla is wearing braces. If it isn’t Godzilla then certainly he should be getting some money out of this. It’s for, of all things, gasoline — namely the petroleum company known as PTT Public Company Limited in Thailand. It has Godzilla destroying the city (stopping briefly for the daily “raising of the Thai flag” ceremony) when he’s confronted with the unfortunate situation of unable to ignite women and children. It’s all right, ‘Zilla, it happens to every guy now and then.

6) Milk

This Canadian commercial for the British Columbia Dairy Foundation must have had Godzilla swearing to himself the whole time. It has the army laughing at him as he’s unable to destroy a city all because he didn’t drink enough milk. Yeah, totally plausible. I’m sure the actual end of this commercial would be Godzilla saying “Must drink more milk! Wait…no I don’t! I’m @#$%ING GODZILLA.” Then he torches the city in an orgy of atomic fire.

5) Taco Bell

Okay, well, this isn’t really Godzilla, but his 1998 American counterpart. Still, with the Godzilla name being used, the real Godzilla must have gotten a cut of the profits. Regardless, these are somewhat lame because they barely show the American Godzilla at all, just the Taco Bell Chihuahua. So it’s an added disappointment in these commercials that Godzilla doesn’t eat the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Slowly.

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4) Doritos

Slightly better than the Taco Bell commercials because it shows the actual monster in full, but still featuring the American Godzilla. It has Godzilla attacking for his object of desire – Doritos. Apparently Godzilla spent some time with The Wailers? Anyway, I have to take issue with this second commercial in which Godzilla has to leap for the water after eating “Fiery Habanero” Doritos. We all know that Godzilla would simply just eat a truck full of Cristal to wash it down. Because he’s a baller.

3) Cheerios

Okay, Godzilla really phoned this one in here, considering it just uses stock footage from several of Godzilla’s old films (mostly from the 1970s) with the Cheerios Honey Bee (a.k.a. Buzz) superimposed. It presents the ridiculous notion that a simple tiny bowl of Cheerios would be enough to satisfy his hunger, when we all know that Godzilla doesn’t feel full until he’s eaten at least an entire Japanese prefecture.

2) Dr Pepper

So, for the American release of Godzilla 1985 (also known as The Return of Godzilla or simply Godzilla in Japan) Godzilla decided to hawk Dr Pepper. Two commercials were made, both being pretty good, with lots of brand new models were destroyed in the making of these commercials. The second one, where Godzilla tries to win the heart of a female Godzilla by giving her Diet Dr Pepper, is here. Yeah, like female monsters really need to watch their weight.

1) Nike Shoes

The interesting thing about this commercial is it had a trailer that was longer than the commercial itself:

Well, Godzilla certainly could not have felt bad about this one. It has him promoted with the full respect he deserves versus Charles Barkley. Yes it does have Godzilla getting owned by Barkley in “giant” basketball, but really, even Godzilla knows he’s not that great at basketball. I mean, really, he has no reach, and a tendency to just set the court on fire – literally. Still, they have a nice walk back through the city afterward, and talk about what radiation Charles Barkley exposed himself to make himself huge.
Unfortunately, this campaign didn’t work out so well for Nike when Gamera destroyed their Washington State headquarters, since Gamera is the friend to all children who make athletic shoes in poor working conditions.