?The fan fic that I have been most request to FFF is the one where Jesus and Hitler have sex. The second most requested fan fic — especially recently — is this one. Now, I was initially reluctant to run it, as it’s clearly trying to be weird and funny and I thought it may be a crackfic. On the other hand, the author Hahaharrypulp has written six other erotic HP fan fics, one of which is over 12,000 words, meaning there’s something weirdly serious in all these. Anyways, like MST3K, the stories that try to be funny are harder to be funny about, but maybe you’ll at least be marginally horrified that someone would take time out of their day to read about Hermione fucking the Sorting Hat.
Dumbledore regally strode across the library carrying something in
the crook of his arm. He gently leaned over Hermione who was studying
alone at a table. “Hermione, I’m taking The Sorting Hat out while I dust
my quarters. You wouldn’t mind watching him for a bit would you?”
“Of course not, Dumbledore!” Hermione said smiling. She was pleased Dumbledore needed her help, even for such a mundane task.
Because Hermione is a fucking awful brown-noser.
Wait, I can’t say things like that in FFF because then it happens and we all have to read about it. I’m so sorry! I take it back!
Dumbledore plopped the hat down on a table near Hermione, patted her on the head and once again regally walked away.
Hermione returned to her studying when a gruff sing song voice chimed, “What you doing dragon fire?”
“Excuse me?” Hermione looked around the room curiously.
I’m trying to think of a fictional world, any fictional world, were calling someone “dragon fire” wouldn’t be the lamest possible come on, but I’m not coming up with any. Anyways, hit the jump, but hold on to your hats.
The sorting hat hopped from his table and landed in front of
Hermione. His voice took on a deep baritone as he began to sing. It
reminded Hermione of her mom’s muggle 70’s records.
I think it’s far more likely it sounded like Chef from South Park, but whatever.
You’re as hot as dragon’s fire
Filling me with desire
Your small tits and big ass
Make my wand grow into a staff
Say you want me to
We don’t have to make love, just screw
Sadly, my biggest issue at this point is that “ass” doesn’t really rhyme with “staff.”
Hermione’s mouth dropped open. “Wha-a-a-” She stumbled.
sorting hat leaned closer. “I never forgot how good it felt to sit on
your head your first year Hermione. I’ve wanted you ever since.”
Hermione awoke from her shocked state. “What are you talking about? This is crazy! You can’t even shag anyone, you’re a hat.””
Well, maybe if you put the hat on, then take it off real quick, then put it back on again and take it off again and keep repeating it, maybe…
sorting hat came face to face with Hermione, his stitched eyes boring
into hers. “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. I can do things to you
no wizard your age can imagine.”
“I can be placed on your head, and… uh… okay, that’s it, you got me.”
“That’s disgusting! You’re disgusting!” Hermione admonished. “I’m going to tell Dumbledore.”
“I’m also going to tell my boyfriend the baseball mitt! Boy, is he going to be pissed!”
“You wanna see where my penis is?” The sorting hat offered.
Well, at least this FFF is getting to the point. So to speak.
Hermione looked over the sorting hat doubtfully. She couldn’t help but
be a little curious, yet repulsed at the same time.
Line That Could Be Inserted into Almost Any Erotic Fan Fic without Problem #427
hat sat on the table his face contorted in concentration. “Uhhhhnnnnn”
“Uhhhnnnn” He begin to sink down like an accordion.
“What are you doing? Stop it!” Hermione demanded.
the sorting hat flipped inside out. On the now reversed point of the
hat dangaled a giant penis. His eyes and mouth transformed fully through
“Tada!” The sorting hat exclaimed proudly.
“Now for my next trick, I’m going to make my penis disappear! …into your mouth.”
stared in shock at the wobbling hat penis. “Wait, that would mean every
first year who puts you on, would feel your penis on top of their
Raise your hand if you immediately felt a tiny tickling sensation at the top of your head upon reading this. You did, didn’t you?
“Don’t flatter me that much, Hermione.” The hat cooed. “I’m
not quite that big, but sometimes if I scrunch down on someone with a
particularly rounded head I get a little tickle of contact.
“You do NOT want to know what I did to Charlie Brown.”
My semen is
actually really good conditioner for witches and wizards hair. So
sometimes I squirt a little surprise for them when I get a chance. I
don’t see what there is to complain about, but stupid Dumbledore always
keeps an eye on me and it’s hard to get away with.” The hat finished
“I’m speechless.” Hermione’s mind for the second time she could remember felt blank.
“Do you wanna touch it?” The sorting hat, tipped his penis towards her indicating.
did want to touch it since it was a strange colored penis that looked
incredibly soft, like the rest of his ragged velvet body, but that would
be ridiculous. She averted her eyes. “Look, just turn yourself right
The Sorting Hat caught her hesitation and moved in for
the kill. “Look, no one is here but me and you, I won’t tell anyone, my
penis is as soft as butter and tastes like popcorn.”
So like really soft popcorn? Gross.
trying to analyze whether that last statement meant something positive
or negative when the hat bounded forward and locked her in a kiss.
froze in surprise and a bit of horror as The Sorting Hat’s mouth moved
open and closed over her tongue, causing her to spit pieces of lint.
“What are you doing?” She spat.
know you want me Hermione.” The hat said huskily and he jumped up in
the air. Hermione watched him startled, almost in slow-mo, her mouth
open. The hat’s penis landed perfectly as planned in her widened mouth
and began bobbing up and down.
The Sorting Hat is mouth-raping Hermione. Just making sure we’re all on the same page here.
Hermione was almost too weirded out
to take stock of the situation. She felt frozen in time, watching the
hat’s eyes squinting intensely. Before she had time to react the hat
groaned and a blob of gooey cum dripped down her throat.
Ah, the Sorting Hat has one of the penises that cause women to lose their turn. You’ll have to wait til next round, Hermione!
The hat jumped off and Hermione gagged.
“How dare you!” she screamed at the hat that looked dreamy eyed and content.
“You know you liked it.” The hat said confidently.
You know what the real tragedy is? That the Sorting Hat could easily get a tole on the next season of The Jersey Shore.
Hermione made a sound of fury and stormed from the room.
The next day Hermione sat in the great hall picking at her breakfast.
“What’s wrong with you Hermione?” Ron asked.
“I GOT MOUTH-RAPED BY A HAT. FUCK OFF, WEASLEY.”
“Nothing I want to talk about.” Hermione said grumpily.
Ron and Harry looked at her with concerned glances the rest of the meal.
was almost over when the door to the great hall opened. Dumbledore rose
from his chair. The Sorting Hat bounded down the center of the hall.
Hermione’s stomach dropped. The Sorting Hat reached the podium. He
cleared his throat and his voice boomed out loud enough for everyone to
Please don’t be a stranger
You’re making me sob
Since you ran away
After you gave me that blow job
Please say you’ll stay
And make sweet love until I spray
The hell? A-A-B-C-B-C-C? SIR, I FIND THE POETRY IN YOUR HARRY POTTER MAGIC HAT RAPE FIC TO BE QUITE UNORTHODOX AND FRANKLY, I DO NOT APPROVE.
eyes rolled to the back of her head and she fainted. Hermione was
furious. The room was in quiet shock until Malfoy spoke up. “Are you
that desperate you have to blow a hat?” The rest of the Slytherin table
broke out in laughter.
“Shut up, Malfoy. Just like your socks when you jerk off into them, I didn’t have a choice.”
Hermione jumped from her chair. She walked
over to the hat and slapped it across the face, where it fell sideways
on the ground. She then ran out of the room.
“She turned me down for a bloody hat?” Ron said jealously. Harry was too stunned to speak or respond to Ron’s idiotic comment.
began to fall over Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat stood atop one of the
towers looking down. Why are you so angry Hermione, the hat thought to
himself. Why won’t you give me a chance?
“Does it have something to do with the time I raped you in the mouth? Naw, couldn’t be.”
The hat was having his first
feelings for someone other than himself, and he didn’t like it one bit.
He looked down at the ground far below him. He hopped up on one of the
“Goodbye cruel world.” The hat intoned before he jumped from the edge of the tower. He closed his eyes awaiting the end.
A wind picked up and the hat spiraled, floating downward until he landed on the ground relatively unharmed.
“Oh shit, that’s right I’m a hat.”
I have to admit I laughed at that last line. Credit where credit’s due.
“Do you want to talk about it Hermione?” Harry asked through the closed bathroom door.
“No I don’t! I’ve been humiliated enough.”
“Come on, Hermione. Most of my fan fics stories are about me shitting my pants and then Draco and I fucking anyways. Really, the Sorting Hat’s not that bad, considering.”
“Look, I won’t judge you Hermione, you know me better than that.” Harry pleaded.
that disgusting hat, he just started kissing me and then jumped in my
open mouth and before I knew what was happening h-he finished.”
“That sounds horrible.” Harry felt terrible but also was trying not to giggle.
“Come on out, Hermione. If if happens again, I swear I’ll eat my hat. OH WAIT YOU ALREADY DID.”
“The sorting hat has a penis?”
“Yes, I do.” Came a voice from down below.
Harry looked down at the sorting hat. “What are you doing here? Haven’t you caused enough trouble?”
“Look, just let me talk to the girl, I’ll sort this all out.”
“Go away!” Hermione yelled through the door.
sorting hat used his considerable powers to open the door and easily
undid Hermione’s wards. He slammed the door behind him and hopped over
to the bed where Hermione was sitting.
There’s a bed in Hermione’s bathroom? That’s where we are, right?
“What are you doing in here! Is there no way to be rid of you?”
“Look, Hermione.” The Sorting Hat said reasonably. “I know I’m a little crass sometimes but give me one more chance.”
“Let’s just concede that the mouth-rape was… an error in judgment, and start fresh.”
Hermione eyed the hat suspiciously. “No! Are you crazy? You humiliated me in front of everyone.”
Also the mouth-rape. Am I only one who remembers the mouth rape?
“I would think telling everyone you gave blow jobs would improve your reputation.” The hat finished sagely.
Among who? The other headwear of Hogwarts?
“Get out of here you insufferable, horrid, raggedy hat!” Hermione sputtered furiously.
be reasonable, all I ask is you give me one more chance. Give me one
night to plow your sweetness and you’ll see I’m not such a bad guy.”
“Ahhhiieeee!” Hermione screamed in frustration as she kicked the hat across the room.
The hat unfolded itself from the wall. “I didn’t want to have to do this Hermione, but you’ve given me no choice.”
“Yes,” said the Sorting Hat, “You’re forcing me to rape you, against my will. I… oh shit, I’m a goddamn magical hat and even I just realized how fucking insane that sounds.”
Sorting Hat’s eyes began to glow as he chanted. Hermione’s face changed
into a blank mask. When the chanting stopped, the hat hopped over to
her. He scrunched down and flipped over, exposing his penis.
“That’s right Hermione.” The hat cooed. “Give us a ride.”
“That’s right, Hermione. Put me on your head. NO, I MEAN THE OTHER HEAD, OBVIOUSLY.”
undressed and laid down. The Sorting Hat moved to her pussy and began
trying to give oral. His cotton mouth opened and closed over her
opening. He bit down over her clit and began chomping away.
My little brother just started medical a few weeks ago. He’s doing Gross Anatomy and watching corpses get cut open. He says it doesn’t freak him out at all, except for for last week, when he watched a doctor cut into and open a man’s testicles. Basically, all the guys in class doubled over. I don’t know if the Sorting Hat’s clitorial biting and “chomping” has close to the same effect on women, but I imagine it’s in the same ballpark. Or at least the same sport.
“Yesss…” Hermione groaned in her drug-like state.
“Take me now Hermione!” The hat groaned.
gripped the cotton and polyester hat and guided his penis in her pussy.
The Sorting Hat’s sounds of pleasure were muffled since Hermione’s hand
was over his mouth. Hermione gently rode the Sorting Hat making his
penis slick and wet. She increased her pace and less than a minute later
the Sorting Hat began to feel close to cumming.
I found a few options for my pic of pure and utter contempt, courtesy of Maximus from Tangled. Which I highly recommend, by the way — it’s not perfect, but it’s got some of the best animated comedy, especially in terms of character design and direction, I’ve seen in years. Anyways, let me know which pic you like best.
“Bllaathshssss.” The Sorting Hat moaned in pleasure. He pumped Hermione full of hot semen and collapsed, falling deep asleep.
Well, my hat’s off to him.
began to notice a change in Hermione’s behavior.
In that she had hat semen leaking out of her vagina?
She was quiet and
distant and had a far away look in her eyes. She stopped hanging out
with Ron and Harry and disappeared after her classes.
“Something is wrong with Hermione.” Ron told Harry, concern on his face.
“Think it has something to do with the time she was mouth-raped by the Sorting Hat?” asked Ron.
“Don’t be daft,” replied Harry.
“Ever since that day the Sorting Hat told everyone she gave him head in the great hall.” Harry shook his head sadly.
OR MAYBE IT WAS THE ACTUAL RAPE GYEEEAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH
“Do you think she’s embarrassed? Is that why she’s acting weird?” Ron questioned his brain hurting from concentration.
“There’s more to it than that mate. I say we get the invisibility cloak and follow her.”
Later that day, Harry and Ron hid underneath the cloak and silently followed Hermione after she left class.
She returned to her dormitory where Harry and Ron managed to slip unnoticed through the door before it closed.
were met with quite a shock. The Sorting Hat was lounging on Hermione’s
bed smoking a pipe and wearing red hat sized pajamas. His penis dangled
above the tip of his hat.
For the hat pajamas.
Ron and Harry tried not to vomit as
within moments Hermione laid the hat down on the bed and began riding
it. Her eyes blank as her moans permeated the room.
What do you mean, “riding” the hat? You can’t “ride” a hat. You can just kind of… sit on it.
Harry and Ron
rushed from the room, not caring if the door mysteriously swung open.
Ron could barely keep up with Harry as he rounded two hallways before
stopped and slid to the floor. Horror was etched in his face. Ron was
trying not to vomit.
If he does it’ll be a proper erotic Harry Potter fan fic, at least.
“Hermione is sleeping with the Sorting Hat?” Ron asked in disbelief.
she hates that hat! She’d never do anything like this. Something must
be wrong. Her eyes look blank and lifeless. She must be under an
imperious curse or-or something.” Harry said sadly.
I am sadly grateful the Harry of this fic is incapable of imagining Hermione willingly fucking the Sorting Hat, even if it’s just because she dislikes it and not because it’s a goddamned hat. Small favors.
“What do we do?” Ron asked tearfully.
“We have to tell Dumbledore.”
yes, I know all about The Sorting Hat’s control over Hermione.”
Dumbledore chomped on jelly beans as he spoke, some spilling from his
mouth and getting stuck in his beard.
Dumbledore will be played by Ronald Reagan for this fan fic.
“You do?” Ron’s mouth gaped open.
course. That hat has been getting harder and harder to manage.”
Dumbledore paused; his eyes took on a serious glint as he leaned
forward. “I’m going to tell you boys a secret. The Sorting Hat…”
“Um… Dumbledore?” Harry asked.
“Blimy, he’s fallen asleep!” Ron said surprised.
“Dumbledore, Dumbledore.” Harry shook the old headmaster.
“Huh! What?” Dumbledore snapped.
“The Sorting Hat, remember?”
yes, yes.” Dumbledore snapped impatiently. “Let me tell you boys a
secret.” He leaned in once more. “The Sorting Hat isn’t what he appears
to be. He was once a wizard but a curse turned him into a hat and so he
has remained for the last 2000 years.”
“And rather than cure him or put him out of his misery, we’ve just been placing him on the heads of young children. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“2000 years!” Harry said shocked.
Harry, you may remember him from stories long ago. This is why I cannot
hope to challenge him on the matter of your friend. He was once known
What? You’ve got to be kidding!” Ron interjected.
“I am. It’s just a regular magic hat that likes to rape people. Come on, let me get my flamethrower.”
magic is old and ancient. Were I to intervene on Hermione’s behalf he
could destroy me and the entire school with the murmur of a word.”
But not cure his hat-ness. Sigh.
“Well that’s, that then isn’t it?” Ron said hopelessly.
“Ron! I can’t believe you. There has to be a way headmaster. Isn’t there anything we can do?” Harry pleaded.
Ron interrupted. “Wait does that mean Merlin is a dirty old git?”
may be a way.” Dumbledore spoke gravely. “If Hermione was given great
sexual pleasure from someone other than the hat, his control over her
might be lifted.
“This is the little branch of sorcery I like to call… Fuck Magic.”
“Well I’ll volunteer for that!” Chirped Ron.
eyed him with disdain. “I have heard of your reputation as a lover Mr.
Weasly. No, that won’t do. It has to be someone more skillful.”
I was about to make a joke about this then I realized Dumbledore probably saw some graffitti scrawled on a Gryffindor bathroom stall, and his knowledge of Ron’s sexual prowess is actually pretty reasonable.
“What about you Dumbledore?” Harry asked. “They say the older you are the more experience you have in… these matters.”
my dear boy I do have an insatiable appetite.” Ron groaned inwardly at
this confession. “However,” Dumbledore continued, “I’m afraid it has to
be someone with more… stamina.”
“Also I’m gay, which might also be a problem.”
There was a knock on the door.
“Ah, perfect timing. Enter.” Dumbledore commanded.
Professor Snape strode into the room. “You wanted to see me Dumbledore?” He spoke coolly.
“You can’t be serious!” Harry nearly jumped from his chair.
“Oh but I am. This is the only way to save Hermione. I am… familiar with Snape’s lovemaking skills and can vouch for him.”
“There’s no “defence” against his “dark arts,” Harry. And by “dark arts” I of course mean his cock.”
Harry felt his lunch coming up again and tried to keep it down. “Headmaster, there has to be another way.”
“I’m afraid not Harry.” Dumbledore spoke calmly. “Snape may be the only one who can break through the hat’s spell.”
Is anyone else genuinely amused that Harry is not even considered for the job?
“My sexual skills are more than adequate for any witch or wizard.” Snape said confidently.
good, Snape.” Dumbledore said. “I’ll brief you on the situation.
Meanwhile Harry, Ron, I will need you to distract the hat while Snape
“All right, Snape, here’s the situation: FUCK. DAT. BITCH.”
“Won’t he just cast the spell again?” Ron asked curiously.
need to distract the hat with a willing partner, one whom he doesn’t
need magic to control. He will eventually give up on Hermione and will
at some point grow tired of his new love interest. This is usually how
things go with him. Afterward, I will try to keep the hat in my cupboard
where he belongs. It is the best I can do.”
Well, you could also put a sign on the cupboard that read “DO NOT OPEN — RAPING HAT INSIDE.” That might help.
Ron wondered aloud. “But who are we going to get to have sex with a hat?”
sat for a moment deep in thought. “What about Ginny? She’s done almost
everyone in the school. I mean I don’t think she’d mind.”
“That’s my sister you’re talking about!” Ron stood up angrily.
“She’d never fuck a hat! Well, okay, she did that one time, but it was a party and she was drunk and besides, it was a fez.”
seems like the best choice.” Dumbledore said cheerfully, nonplussed by
Ron’s reaction. “I’ll talk to the girl. You two set up a meeting between
them. The hat may act stupid but he’s smarter than he seems. You’ll
need to be subtle in your actions. While he is distracted Snape will bed
“You can count on us Dumbledore.” Harry sighed. It seemed after all to be the only way.
Ron’s face was red with anger as he stormed out with Harry behind him.
“Hey Sorting Hat!” Ron yelled at the hat who was lounging in Hermione’s dorm. Hermione was still in class.
The hat eyed Ron suspiciously. “Whadda you want Weasly?”
“Um, this girl has a crush on you and she’s kind of shy so well she told me and Harry to come and ask you to meet with her.”
“What girl?” The hat snapped.
stepped forward. “She doesn’t want us to tell you, but you’ll like her.
She’s got more… experience than Hermione that’s for sure.”
“And by ‘experience’ I mean “chlamydia.'”
Ron glared at Harry.
The hat eyed the two boys. “Alright I’ll go with you but if you two are up to something you’ll regret it.”
The hat bounced out of the room following Harry and Ron until he reached the library. There in a quiet corner sat Ginny.
“There she is mate.” Harry patted the hat in comradely.
“She’s not that hot.” The hat grumbled.
Okay, let’s take a second to parse this. The Sorting Hat, which I remind you looks like this:
…is upset because Ginny Weasley, who looks like this (at least in the later films):
…is below his standards of attractiveness. The fucking hat’s standards. If you don’t see a parallel between this and every asshole who comments “I wouldn’t fuck her!” on a video with a girl who isn’t a supermodel, I… I don’t know. All I’m saying is that’s it’s the exact. Same. Thing.
“She makes up for it in other ways.” Harry assured him.
and Ron watched Ginny and the hat chatting. She reached underneath the
hat’s rim and grabbed his penis. The hat smiled. The first part of their
plan seemed to be going well.
Operation “Hatjob” Part 1: Success!
Hermione returned to her dormitory.
She wondered why the hat was not there. She started looking under the
bed when a voice from behind startled her.
“Hermione.” Snape purred.
“Professor Snape, what are you doing here?”
“You’ve been put under a spell Hermione. I’ve come to break you free from it.”
Hermione seemed confused. Thinking seemed like such a hard thing to do lately. “What do you mean?”
come to share my love making skills with you. I’m afraid it’s the only
way to free you. The hat is has placed you under a spell.”
Lines Topless Roboteers Will Say Tonight When They’re About to Make Love to Their Significant Others, Totally Ruining the Moment: #124
Hermione backed away. “What? No, no it’s not true. Stay away from me.”
Snape knew part of the curse was making her act irrationally.
“McGonagall already fluffed me up so I’m ready to go.” Snape dropped his pants exposing his huge 11 inch penis.
Hermione stared at it in surprise.
“I’m going to make a potion… a portion of vaginal lubricants. And I’m going to mix it in your pussy.”
cast a spell removing Hermione’s clothes. He gently pushed her down on
the bed. “Lay down Hermione. You will soon feel the pleasure of Snape’s
And if anyone who spoke parseltongue had been in the room at that moment, they would have clearly heard Snape’s “snake” say: “Hello. I’m Alan Rickman’s penis. Pleased to meet you.”
Snape began sucking on Hermione’s boob like a calf sucking
on a cow’s udder. He slid his hand expertly down to her pot of honey
and stroked it. He moved his lips and bit small marks on her like
someone eating a bag of potato chips. Hermione moaned like a ghost in a
SIMILE ABUSE SIMILE ABUSE SOMEONE CALL THE GRAMMAR POLICE IMMEDIATELY
“You ready to ride the Snape Express?” Snape said silkily
“All aboard the Snape Express! Stops: Your pussy, your pussy and your pussy.”
nodded and Snape entered her like a plow to the earth. Hermione
screamed in ecstasy her cries as loud as a whistling tea pot. Snape
began pumping into her wildly as if he were digging for oil. Her pussy
was as soft and wet as gillyweed. Snape smelled like the lacewings and
snout gilts he used in his potions. Hermione’s face contorted in
pleasure like a clown at a birthday party as he continued his
ministrations. The potion master was giving her more pleasure than
Hermione had ever experienced. Her eyes became clear as she orgasmed
with enough liquid to fill a pensive. Snape groaned as he finished
shooting into her like a muggle water gun.
I have total contempt for this paragraph and all its horrible similes, but it also makes me incredibly angry, hence the angrier Maximus. Just wanted to make that clear. Maybe I should use all of these pics, so I can better convey my shift from disgust and contempt to furious anger during the course of an FFF. Hmm.
“What happened?” Hermione asked moving from underneath Snape.
“Apparently I have broken the control the hat had over you.” Snape said arrogantly.
Meanwhile the hat was enjoying Ginny’s sexual favors. He finished and lit a cigar.
“Look babe, this was great but I’m not a commitment type of hat. Besides I’m seeing Hermione.”
“What do you need her for?” Ginny spoke suggestively. She leaned down to give the hat head.
The horror of “hat head” deserves a live-action Toht, methinks.
Harry and Ron sat in Dumbledore’s office. “Well it seems everything’s
worked for the best.” Dumbledore was once again eating jelly beans.
“Yeah, everyone got shagged but me.” Ron said selfishly.
Dumbledore looked at Ron considering. “Harry, why don’t you leave me and Ron alone for a minute?”
Harry, confused, walked out of the office. He stood by the door listening and heard heavy panting.
“Well I guess everyone has been shagged now but me.”
Snape leaned against the wall. “Potter! Come to the dungeons for detention.”
Harry smiled a little skip as he followed the potions master a little skip in his step.
Ugh. Now, aren’t you all so very glad you asked me to FFF this nightmare? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to set every piece of headwear I own on fire.