In these difficult economic times, beggers can’t be choosers. Rather than waiting next to a stack of increasingly threatening bill collection statements waiting for that perfect job to call you, why not consider a new, exciting career? A career in a field with plenty of open positions! A career that will take you places! True, one of those places will almost certainly be a pauper’s grave, but still! Excitement!
For your benefit, we here at Topless Robot have compiled a list of the 10 most dangerous potentially lucrative careers in the science fiction and fantasy fields. WARNING: Very few of these jobs include medical coverage, for reasons that will become obvious.
10) X-Wing Pilot
Are you a na?ve farm boy dreaming of flying among the stars? Or perhaps a spoiled nobleman’s child looking to anger your father? Whatever your death wish ambition, the Rebel Alliance is looking for eager recruits to join their X-Wing Squadrons! Don’t worry if you have little or no experience with piloting a star fighter — you’ll only be cannon fodder flying support for the main squadron. Candidates with limited peripheral vision will NOT be turned down!
9) Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense Agent
This job is ideal for an FBI or CIA agent looking to broaden their horizons beyond drug-runners and enemy governments. If you’ve ever wondered whether the supernatural was real — or if you’re just a big X-Files fan — apply to the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (BPRD)! Join our team of colorful characters, many of whom have unique origins and special abilities that make them non-expendable (and hard to kill anyway). Full disclosure: this does mean that some of the — things you run into might prefer to focus their attention on your soft, easily-torn-apart body. Come for the mystery, stay for the adventure!
8) Interdimensional Investigator
THE PERFECT JOB! Travel through time and space, solving mysteries ancient and new! Meet Caesar, Charlemagne, Winston Churchill and Kluvon of the planet Frah-Ha. Work alongside able and often fetching companions! Potential challenges include Daleks, Cybermen, and Weeping Angels. Please note: you WILL die in the course of this job — repeatedly — so this position is recommended for Gallifreyans and other races capable of regeneration after death.
7) Planet Express Ship Deliveryperson
Planet Express is a struggling growing package delivery company based in New New York. Come work alongside our crack crew who are not in any way disabled — for example, a pilot with no depth perception, or a robot prone to petty thieving. Rumors of previous crews being slaughtered by space bees is just that — a rumor! (All charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.) Get your career chip implanted today. Our offices are now 90% asbestos-free!
6) Evil Grunt
Are you so incompetent in every way that there is simply no profession that will have you? Are you so clumsy with a weapon that you’re more likely to kill yourself than an opponent? The Evil Forces are looking for a few… people… well, actually, lots of people, to fill out their armies! No experience necessary. All recruits will have to undergo a test in which they will be given twenty chances to strike the broad side of a barn; only one successful hit is required. Those with high test scores or proven weapon skills need not apply, but do talk to a recruiter because we’ve got a much better job for you.
Are you a teenage girl who’s recently noticed some odd changes to her body, such as super-strength and heightened senses? Do often notice strange, pale-skinned men in dark clothing staring at you (not counting Goth clubs and comic conventions)? Do you have a growing suspicion you will not live to see your twentieth birthday? Then the Watchers’ Council is looking for you! Seriously, call us. We have no way of finding you other than mysterious reports of pale people vanishing at night.
4) Starship Security Officer
Do you often find yourself in the background of any group, not drawing attention and quickly forgotten? Well, break out of your shell by becoming a security officer on a United Federation of Planets starship! No experience necessary. Paperwork is minimal but includes quality life insurance (not that you’ll need it!). All recruits are issued a (pre-owned) phaser, communicator, and stylish red shirt. Join the Federation to see strange new worlds and die on them!
3) Hand of the King
What the king dreams, the Hand builds! Have you always wanted to be the power behind the throne? Do you love toiling in obscurity while others take credit for your achievements and spend their time drinking and wenching? Do you naturally tend to view everyone you meet with distrust, while simultaneously being capable of betraying anyone (except the king, of course) without regret? Have you made out your will? Then inquire with your local lord to see if the latest Hand of the King is dead the King needs a Hand!
2) Bounty Hunter
Explore the galaxy, meet interesting people, and capture them for cash money! There’s never been a better time to get into bounty hunting. Recent, entirely innocuous decreases in the number of bounty hunters (that in no way have to do with being shot first, left to drift as an object in space, or being digested for thousands of years inside massive desert-based vagina dentatas) means there are plenty of openings for ambitious young go-getters! To start your career, simply visit your local ganglord. Must own a blaster; jetpacks optional, but highly recommended.
1) Henchman for the Joker
Are you the type of person who laughs at anything, no matter how lame or terrifying? Are you so obsessed with money that you’ll overlook a trail of dead henchmen a mile long for the promise of a big score? Then you’re just the person the Joker has been looking for! All henchmen are issued a zoot suit, clown mask, and handgun. Gas masks are recommended, but you’ll have to bring your own. Don’t forget about the laughing thing — that’s really, really important. Except never laugh at him. For God’s sake, don’t laugh at him!