Before we begin, just a quick note: obviously alcoholism is an extremely sensitive issue. So if you find yourself offended by jokes about drinking you should probably sit this list out. Even though it is only pointing out fictional characters and therefore you should probably just lighten the hell up and have a cold one before you ruin today like you ruin everything. Hear me. EVERYTHING! Ahh, I didn’t mean it, come over here and gimme a hug. Burp.
Sorry, that was the Guinness talking. Anyway, let’s begin.
7) Barney Gumble
Whenever The Simpsons is mentioned these days, an argument inevitably breaks out about whether of not the show should finally be put out of its misery. Regardless of whatever side you take on this issue, one thing everybody should be able to agree upon is that Barney Gumble can still elicit laughs with every slurred sentence and comedically placed burp he utters. That may not seem like too much, but at 24 seasons it you take the funny where you can get it.
For those unfamiliar with Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Morn is the resident barfly at Quark’s whose name is an obvious anagram for a certain character on Cheers. (Hint: It’s not Rebecca). A recurring gag on the series about Morn is that his verbosity is a regular topic of conversation amongst DS9’s senior staff…even though he never actually utters a sound on screen. Intergalactic lumbering oaf that he may be, he gave audiences a glimpse at a rarely discussed aspect of Gene Roddenberry’s view of a utopian future — namely that alcoholics are going to be so lovable one day that attractive space babes like Jadzia Dax will consider getting it on with them. Cue that awful Timbuk 3 song about the future being bright.
5) Winky the House Elf
Butterbeer addiction. Don’t let it happen to you. This message has been brought to you by the Hogwart’s division of Alcoholics Anonymous.
4) Tony Stark
3) Saul Tigh
Real talk folks: If you were constantly put through the ringer like Tigh here was, you’d drink like a fish too. Besides, it’s important for Cylons to keep themselves nicely oiled in order to prevent rusting. Oh, um, spoiler alert!
2) Zaphod Beeblebrox
It was a toss-up between Zaphod Beeblebrox and his semi-cousin Ford Prefect for this slot, as they both hold getting absolutely blotto in the highest regard. But even though Ford’s enjoyment of that Ol’ Janx Spirit is well documented in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Zaphod has an advantage because his love of alcohol was so unprecedented that he went and invented a drink of his own–and not just any libation either, but the most potent beverage in the history of history itself. So for his creation of the notorious Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (whose “effects are similar to having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick”) the two-headed, three-armed ex-President of the Galaxy gets the dubious honor of being the second greatest drunk in nerddom. Why not first place? Because he lacked a shiny metal ass of course.
With the possible exception of Box from Logan’s Run, there’s no robot that I’d rather go on a, um, bender with than Bender. Sure, the next morning I’d probably wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidney stolen so that the hard-drinking robot could sell it on the black market for a case of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor or a ticket to an All My Circuits fan cruise, but at least I’d have the precious memories of getting loaded with the best.