I thought we had a winner for this, but he/she appears uncontactable, as the commenter ID is no longer in the system.
UPDATE: We have our winner. perc2100 emailed me his info.
perc2100 – you have until the end of the day to email me at toplessrobot -at – gmail.com. This entry of yours was my favorite, both for being funny and enlightening me about a figure line I never knew existed (and never should have):
One Christmas as a kid, I was given a complete line of LOVE BOAT action figures. My parents were fond of getting cheapish toys from the nearby JC Pennies outlet store, and I was often able to have fun with them. One year I got a full line of MASH action figures, including an ambulance, that I at least assimilated into GI Joe and Indiana Jones figures. I had CLASH OF THE TITANS figures (which I used my Jedi Rancor creature to step in as the Kracken), I had a real cool line of classic Universal Monsters figures with a playset. I had DUKES OF HAZARD figures, CHIPS figures, and I even had a KNIGHT RIDER K.I.T.T. car that talked! But I’ll be damned if I could figure out how to incorporate LOVE BOAT action figures into any other line.
And I had all of them, including Isaac in a red butler coat, and Gopher wearing shorts, and Vicki, Captain Stubing’s daughter. I tried everything: they were kidnapped by Cobra and held for ransom (GI Joe wasn’t interested in rescuing them so Cobra Commander executed them all). I tried to make them Rebel soldiers that were Storm Trooper fodder, but I felt they were an embarrassment to the Rebel cause. I made them Decepticon captives that quickly devolved into Starscream & Soundwave playing tug-of-wore with Doc while Devastator crushed Julie & Isaac’s skulls. I even tried to give them away to poorer friends but even THEY wouldn’t take them!
So I did what any ordinary kid would do: I took a pair of pliers, a lighter, some hairspray and some firecrackers and just put all of those wretched pieces of plastic out of their misery. I took out a week’s worth of adolescent rage pulling off heads and limbs, setting Captain Stubing and his stupid daughter on fire, and blowing up Gopher and Doc with firecrackers. I then buried their mangled limbs in my mom’s garden, and often used their limbs (which could be mistaken for any poor victim, not just some stupid left-overs of an awful toy line from an awful show), by this point kind of sticking up in macabre patterns not unlike crooked tombstones, as horrifying motivation for GI Joe to attack Cobra, or for Prime to get pissed at Megatron, or for Han and Luke to attack an Imperial base.
When my family and I moved from that house before I went to High School, they were the only things I didn’t bother to do anything with. I can only imagine that some parent found the burnt parts and assumed the former owner had a future serial killer in their midsts. Or maybe it scared the living snot out of some poor little kid playing in his new backyard. I don’t blame my parents; they were trying to fill out the Christmas tree with affordable toys, and knew I liked action figures. It wasn’t their fault someone made shitty figures from a non-kids TV show (even though dad probably should’ve known that an elementary school boy would not be excited about something with “Love” in the title, about weekly romantic cruises). Hell, maybe my parents got it as a goofy joke. Either way, I’m only upset now that I didn’t mail them back to the manufacturer and ask them “Love Boat: really?!’
My second favorite entry was by brett.jay.houser. Brett, please email me also. If perc doesn’t get in touch with me and you do, you win for this:
The worst toy I ever owned was a Destro (V2) action figure. The toy was awesome, probably my favorite toy ever! And definitely the best action figure I ever owned. He had that swooping cloth cape and golden sword. My favorite part was how the sword could be holstered to his leg and free up his hands so he could drive trucks, steal other guys’ weapons, or hang from things while still having the sword underneath his cape. This meant that no matter where I was or what other figures I was playing with, Destro was there. And then, while playing with him on the toilet and about to finish up, I dropped him. In the toilet. I was about 6 years old and my first panicked thought was to wrap my hand in toilet paper and dive in after him. It felt like a stroke of ingeniousness; surely the toilet paper would shield my hand. Sufficed to say, it didn’t. I began dry heaving as Destro sunk a little more. So I dragged more TP off the roll and across the bowl with my dry hand, then wrapped it around the already disgusting, soggy mess. If my first attempt was ingenious then surely I just needed to redouble my efforts and add more toilet paper. The wet mess around my hand wasn’t going anywhere anyway. The second dip in wasn’t as shocking. There was no heaving, just a swift sifting motion through the poop. But then again, I still had a soggy bandage of B.M. wrapped around my hand, twice over, which then had to be removed. So there was that, too. But all of this for Destro (V2) seemed necessary! Like, without question or hesitation. I mean, this was THAT kind of action figure! And that’s why he was the worst toy I ever owned. Not because he wasn’t cool. In fact, he was so cool that I couldn’t stop playing with him even though the thought of him made me feel ill. Remember that awesome cloth cape? I did. I couldn’t forget it. It dried within the hour but it always brought to mind that awful TP-gloved attempt and the subsequent peeling off of the soggy mess it became. On a bi-weekly basis Destro would still get dumped out of the G.I. Joe container with that day’s combatants, but after being set up at his post he wouldn’t be played with much; his exploits became less and less of driving trucks or stealing weapons, and more of just sitting around keeping watch. But never on an eating surface! Usually at the other end of the couch or near the lamp so I wouldn’t accidentally leave him out after cleaning up when finished. I never threw him out, but when I was caught playing with bleach in an attempt to sanitize him, my mom finally got to hear the story of what had happened to this beloved toy I was regularly seen with in the house. After which she suggested it best to retire Destro (V2). I couldn’t. He was Destro, Version 2! So she threw him out for me since I was pretty keen on still trying to bleach him. All said and done, he really was the worst toy I ever owned. Not because he sucked, heck no! But because Destro forced me to realize just how far I’d go for him. What disgustingness I’d submit myself to. And once I crossed that line I couldn’t ever take it back, nor forget how far I’d actually gone. But I’ll also never forget him, Destro (V2), my favorite worst action figure.
If I hear from neither, I’ll have to pick again. There were many strong entries but the two above really stuck in my head.