When a fast food chain announces a release date for a new item, like they’re doing a trailer for a movie, I get hyped up. How could I not? Something different to write about is always good. And then when they jump the gun – even better. I could have sworn KFC said April 14th was the day they’d release Boneless Original, yet I went there on the 13th and it was everywhere.
Of course, my local KFC is the inept branch from hell and I always have problems there, so when my thirsty ass drove up on a hot day to find that their freakin’ soda machine was out of order, I decided not to humor them and find a new one. GPS, you magnificent tool of the modern age. Sure, the next KFC was equally small, and Mountain Dew was not a drink option (“Sierra Mist okay?” NO IT FUCKING IS NOT OKAY), but at least the employees were friendly and competent.
The sticker machine that only dispensed Jersey Shore stickers…well, I don’t get that at all. (note to guys – fiancees don’t like these things. Offered for the benefit of those who can’t keep track of which Jersey-based reality shows are and are not okay).
This isn’t the first time KFC has applied their original recipe to something boneless – remember original recipe strips? Those just never tasted right, perhaps because “crispy strips” as a concept transcends mere KFC. This is different. It’s also not like bullshit “boneless wings” not made with wing meat.
See, KFC Boneless Original Recipe comes in white and dark meat. You can’t tell which you’re getting, and in some cases I even think there are hybrids, like the Two-Bad of breaded and cooked birds. This harkens back to the good old days when McNuggets could be either/or, and popcorn chicken was a crapshoot in terms of shape, consistency and taste. These bits of chicken are vaguely kind of “glued” (using who-knows-what) side by side, then breaded and fried for an effect that really does taste more like a deboned chicken piece than a processed and shaped thing…even though it’s closer to the latter than the former.
I won’t mince words: I liked this. A lot. Like Mattel’s new Adam West Batman figures, it takes me back to memories of canceled things I once enjoyed. And I also like KFC’s new policy of offering hot gravy as a dipping sauce. File that under obvious things everybody somehow hasn’t done until now.
What I liked less? The way Boneless Original feels in your hand. Without bones, it feels like limp rubber or latex; frankly, it feels like a greasy sex toy, and I’m not in the habit of putting those in my mouth. The idea is to avoid “eating the bone,” no?
Whatever, KFC. Please don’t get rid of this like you tend to get rid of everything else you invent that I start to enjoy. And improve your macaroni and cheese – El Pollo Loco is running tubular rings around you on that one. Also, please bitchslap whoever runs my nearby inept branch.
Everything else, carry on.