They ought to call this the Bizarro burger, because if you want to look like Henry Cavill, you need to eat whatever the opposite of this thing is.
I don’t really do bacon, so Julia agreed to taste test this, but with a caveat – no lettuce, tomato, mayo or onion. It started off well, but things rapidly descended downhill. Sort of like fast food as it goes through your digestive system.
Click onward for a slightly edited version of our real-time review…
You laughed really loudly when you looked at it first. Why was that?
Well, I know I got no veggies, but the meat in the commercial looked a lot better – more plumper. This is just like…THPTH! Wah-wah!
Is it one patty or two?
It is…one patty. With some crappy looking cheese. Bacon…It doesn’t look like six pieces of bacon. Looks like three, or four. Whatever. Stupid. [Takes a bite] Huh. Hmm. Mmmm. Smoky.
The bacon, or the burger? Or both?
Both. It’s really smoky. Hm. Wish I had more catsup. Do we have ketchup in the fridge, or are we that stupid?
No, we just, uh, tend to bring home ketchup packets.
Maybe next time I should buy some.
Does the burger make you think of Superman?
Nope. Didn’t Clark Kent grow up in Kansas?
This doesn’t scream Kansas.
What would scream Kansas in a burger?
Maybe some…doesn’t Kansas have barbecue?
I don’t think it’s known for barbecue.
I don’t think it’s known for barbecue, but it’s a lot more farmy.
So it doesn’t taste like a farm?
No. It tastes like I’m gonna get a heart attack. I mean, I guess I’d order it again, but, y’know.
But it’s not Super?
It could be any regular day-old burger, you know?
To clarify: when you say day-old burger – does it taste like it’s a day old?
No, I mean it could just be any regular burger off the menu. There’s nothing really special.
It’s supposed to have more bacon than usual.
Well, they should have more bacon anyway, because bacon is nature’s meat candy.
Do you miss having lettuce and tomatoes on it?
No. It could use pickles. That would make it great.
Pickles are green. Maybe they look too much like Kryptonite.
Yeah, but then you have lettuce on the burger, and it’s like, that reminds you of Kryptonite. At least pickles taste good.
Why don’t you like lettuce and tomato on your burger? You like them other times.
Makes them too sloppy, and it just has juices running down your arm, which I hate. Makes it complicated, to me, and I don’t like it complicated. If I wanna eat the burger, I don’t wanna fight the burger. It’s why you hardly see me get any other cheeseburger at McDonalds besides the little mini-cheeseburgers.
I thought that was just habit.
I wish the bacon were a bit more salty. Not the best quality of bacon. It’s not that crispy; kinda chewy. Kinda like they nuked it in the…Nahh, not even like they nuked it in the microwave. I dunno what the hell they did.
So, definitely more successful that the Doritos Locos Taco?
I never even had that.
You did! You reviewed it for me!
Oh. Well, it was so disappointing I forgot about it. Seriously, worst taco ever. It made me cry.
So you blocked it from your memory.
I pretend it doesn’t exist. Notice how there’s no more commercials for the Doritos Locos Tacos any more, because they know it’s crap.
It’s like their best-selling item ever.
Seriously? People are…never mind.
Back to the burger.
It’s very one-note. I can’t tell if it’s the patty flavor or the bacon flavor, which is really kinda disappointing, because I wanted the sense of patty meat on bacon. It’s disappointing bacon. Hell, Oscar Mayer shove-it-in-your-darn-microwave bacon tastes a lot better. Burnt bacon tastes better. And the cheese – I have not gotten a hint of cheese throughout this entire process. This burger, at first I was like, yeah, I’d eat it again. Now I’m just looking at it like, how am I gonna finish this? It needed something crunchy, like onion strings.
Well, it did come with raw onions, but you asked for it without.
RAW onions? Oh, that would not have helped. Raw onions. RAW?
Ew. Nasty. Gross. Raw onions belong in potato salad. You don’t have to go all saucy cooked, but you can make them crispy. That’s why you have batter. And a deep-fryer. Duh. Ain’t that hard. I kinda wish fast food would improve on their cheese, because this, you can just tell it’s crap. Like Ralph’s brand rejected singles. This ain’t super. I think Superman would blow chunks. I mean, Superman’s the best action guy, and this is the best they could come up with? That’s kinda sad. These people are probably Batman fans.