Maybe it’s because I made it an easy question, but I’d never have guessed that a T-shirt for The Purge would get more engagement than several other contests with much bigger prizes. But then again, everybody loves scary masks. There were a lot of fun entries to my question, “If The Purge went down tomorrow, what crime would you commit and why?” I didn’t explain in advance that the Purge seen in the movie has some rules, like no weapons above a certain caliber, and government officials are exempt. But those of you who wanted to break the rules of the contest would have been doing it wrong, because I specified “tomorrow” at the time.
I didn’t post a formal review of the film, because I felt like every insight I had already came out in the interview with producer Jason Blum. Suffice it to say I enjoyed it well enough. If you’ve seen it, consider this an open thread to discuss it, and please mark SPOILERS clearly.
Here are some highlights:
Go see the purge even though i’m not old enough….
I’d form up a posse and go looting stores stealing as much Mountain Dew, Cheetos and Beef Jerkey as we could get our hands on. Then I’d spend the rest of the year selling the Mountain Dew and Cheetos in bulk discounts to WoW players and other gamers.
The beef jerky I’d keep for myself, because I fucking love beef jerky.
I’d kill and eat an endangered species. No, fuck that, I’d eat a bald eagle stuffed inside of a panda stuffed in an elephant.
Of course, failing that, I’d probably go get gay married, smoke a bit of weed and download TV shows from the internet. I’m really not a criminal.
I’d divide by zero.
I’d “Borrow” PeeWee Herman’s Bicycle and hide it in the Alamo’s basement for the Entire Purge (I’d ring my hands as I throw back my head and I laugh and Laugh and LAUGH) Mwa Ha He Hi Ho Hu and sometimes Hy !!!!!
I would scour the earth for 355 days, locate Jesus’s cocoon open it and proceed to eat him….except the sandals…those will be mine.
Overthrow the government and institute a new one. It would be pretty much the same as the old one, except I would get rid of the completely idiotic idea of “purges”. I mean, seriously. It’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. No society can function with one night of legalized anarchy per year. You can’t invest in an economy like that. There would be no point in starting a business, or creating contracts, since you would lose everything when anarchy day rolls around. And what about White Collar crime? Not everything is murder, rape, or another violent crime. Once a year, you give people a blank check for embezzlement, fraud, and forgery, and so long as they do it on “legal crime night” you can’t prosecute them. Or what if someone perpetrates a crime on anarchy day that has no real effect until weeks later (painting a shipment of Barbies in lead paint, for example). Would the perpetrator just get a free pass? If you marry someone on anarchy night are you still married in the morning? What about divorce? If you divorce a spouse when anything goes, are you automatically married again the next day? What about the military? Are the soldiers stationed overseas allowed to do whatever they want for one day? Cause that sounds like a good way to get a tank parked on top of the Taj Mahal. THIS SYSTEM DOESN’T WORK. A society built like this wouldn’t last and, frankly, probably wouldn’t be able to start at all. This sort of systemized anarchy renders any sort of social contract worthless. No social contracts means no economy, which means no government. You wouldn’t even be able to do business with other countries. The international stock exchange would become a massive joke. And frankly, a society like this would be a loose cannon that other countries couldn’t afford to allow to function, especially in this nuclear age. In conclusion, this sounds like a stupid, stupid, stupid idea and there is no way that it is even slightly possible. While I will read the upcoming interview with an open mind, I highly doubt that anyone involved in the production of this movie stopped to really consider the central premise.
For 12 months, I’d be planning, scheming, and preparing. I would lay out my plans, hire my crew, and as soon as the sun sets, I would begin filiming the most epic Marvel comics crossover in history. In the middle of New York City.
Spider Man, The Fantastic Four, and the X-Men can never share screen time you say? Forget you, copyright rules need not apply. Need permits to demolish six square blocks of Manhattan while Galactus fights the Marvel Universe on their front porch? Who’s going to stop me?
Twelve months of planning, Twelve glorious hours of filming. Twelve months of post production, and then I sell the film over the net from sunup to sundown to get all the money…ever.
I know it’s not particularly nefarious, but I would go back to my old high school and steal a book.
A bit of background: I went to a very prestigious all girls’ grammar school, and as such was drilled with all the typical stuff that private snooty schools drill into the heads of girls who have wealthy parents. I was a grounded outcast who spent most of her time in the library; in grade 9 I read every single Agatha Christie novel the library had on offer (considering the fact that Agatha Christie is a well known female author, they had a lot of them). In grade 10, I discovered a copy of ‘The Hugo Winners, Volumes I and II’ compiled by Isaac Asimov and I promptly fell in love with it. It introduced me to Asimov and Ellison and Anderson and a slew of other Sci-Fi writers that helped to define my reading loves, and I borrowed it out at least once a month (or if I didn’t borrow it, I would sit in the library and re-read the stories).
There is a part of me that will always feel guilty about harboring legitimate thoughts about stealing books from a library. My mind cries ‘you’re taking the opportunity away from others to read these books!’ and ‘you can’t just waltz back into your old highschool and steal a hardback novel!’ but I have managed to quash those thoughts by simply remembering back to the borrowing system (one of those old stamp-cards in the back cover). I was in grade 10 in 2007. The last time anybody had borrowed out that book was in 1994, and the time before that was in 1972. I was the only girl in the school who loved sci-fi with a passion, and to this day I legitimately regret not slipping that hardback novel into my backpack on the last day and casually sauntering away, prize in hand. I won a prize for community service. I was a confident public speaker. All the librarians liked and respected me for speaking my mind and loving books. I could have gotten away with it very easily. But my morals dissuaded me from stealing it, and if I could go back in there without any repercussions, I would steal that book. I’m a girl of simple tastes. I don’t want to loot or pillage or kill or torture. I just want that book.
I know that there are copies available on eBay and Amazon, but I live in Australia and the shipping here is somewhere around the $38 mark, not including the cost of the novel itself. For the time being, I sit and mope and read my other sci-fi books,
I would open up my home to people in need, lulling them into a false sense of security with my generous hospitality and folksy stories of simpler, kinder times. After identifying which of my boarders was possessed of the loosest morals, this individual would be recruited as my lieutenant with the promise of wealth and authority that could be easily and readily abused. We would then attack and restrain the rest of our housemates. Stripped naked and tied up it would be explained that they are all now my personal property to be exploited as I saw fit. Any suggestion of noncompliance would be severely punished. As an example, I would publicly execute my lieutenant for treason in some excessively gruesome fashion. Left alone with the remains, the survivors would be given an opportunity to consider this offer as I retired to my chambers. I’d then put on my finest, whitest suit and pour myself a mint julep to enjoy at leisure in my old rocking chair out on the back porch. Back inside, beaten, bloody, naked, and bound, my people would begin the labor they were taken for. I’d take another drink, close my eyes, and smile contently.
Someone was finally going to clean the litterbox.
I’d murder a few dozen local politicans who are determined to make people’s lives worse and keep us in the societal dark ages.
Ok, um, I’d steal a lot of fudge.
I fucking LOVE fudge.
I’d make a stupid movie a put a lot of American flags in the back ground of the trailers so people would think I was being deep.
This one is really for me. I’m going to a restaurant where the lead singer of a band is eating. I’m going to grab him, run him into the back and scream, “Wooo ….. now you do the dishes!” Why? Because dang-nab-it I didn’t pay unearthly amounts of money, waiting in a long line, basically strip searched to go to a concert to have to do your job when you scream, “now you sing. I can’t hear you!”
I’d exceed the speed of light!
I’d wander into a hospital and perform a few surgeries, just to see if I could.
I am forming a movie company calling it the asyl….um…The Sanctuary and making a movie called The Purification.
Go to the petting zoo, because this would be the best possible time to try my luck at making homemade sausages. The secret ingredient is LOVE!!
The long-term plan:
1. Start a software company specializing in finance and trading software
2. Hire the best talent available with experience in finance. Lean towards strong liberal, or anarchist, or anti-social types.
3. On one of the previous Purge dates, have a co-conspirator programming team insert a small, innocuous bit of code that points the software to check for a product update on a certain date. (Coincidentally, the next Purge date.)
4. Hire highly talented salespeople to push the software and capture large corporate clients and a hefty market share of the finance/banking industries.
5. The next purge date, if adoption of our product meets a certain threshold, we will push an update.
6. This update will transfer all available financial and industry profits to my offshore bank account.
7. After ensuring that my engineers are well-compensated, I will spend the next year redistributing the funds to the American people in the form of houses, new local businesses, food, and clothing.
The slightly shorter-term plan:
1. Steal tigers, bears, chimpanzees, and lions from a zoo.
2. Pitch C-SPAN a new reality show: American Congressional Gladiators.
The become the most popular man in America plan:
1. Do a search for the top 25 people mentioned on TMZ.com
2. Place substantial bounties for their heads.
Also, I spend the time leading up to The Purge constructing an extra-thick, soundproof vault. One with nothing inside but a wall of TVs & some extra-large speakers behind a steel cage. Then I map out where the nearest anti-gaming senators/congressmen/etc. are going to be & stock up on chloroform.
Now, you might think where this is heading. I kidnap them & enact horrific video game violence on them in the vault? Ohh, no no no no no.
You see, I considered acting out my sickest video game fantasies during The Purge. But then I realized that despite crime in this world being at an all-time low, I would actually believe that any acts committed during The Purge even vaguely related to gaming would just give any idiots in Congress even further excuse to try & put down gaming in any way possible.
So instead, I throw them all into the vault butt-naked, no clothes or anything, & tell them that instead of violent video games, I’m going to give them a hefty dose of a happier, more educational medium…The Learning Channel. Select programming from TLC. As in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Toddlers & Tiaras,Jon & Kate Plus 8, My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding TLC. Just that, no commercials, for hours on end.
After The Purge (hopefully returning from the fireworks factory in one piece), I open the vault, take photos, & send them to congress along with the TV recording saying “This was the alternative. Happy?”
A few miles away from my house, there’s an area with a lot of orange trees. It’s private property, but I’d enjoy picking some.
Personally, I’d rather have apple trees, but ether way, it sounds like it’d relaxing for a bit.
I’m would wait until the last minute before the purge is up. I’d go to Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s with a large soda pop in one hand and a big slushy in the other! Then I would drink them in front of him making sure I ended after the purge ended just to remind him it’s still legal.
I’d go to Texas and milk a cow I did not own.
that’s illegal in Texas
Make a gang of merry bums and steal from the rich and give to the poor
I would take Axel Braun hostage and force him to make my long dreamed of porn parody:
The Human Centipede XXX…
I would reenact the entirety of the cinema classic The Room naked in front of an adoring local Improv Group. A one man spectacle to rival the original’s aimlessness but with the tag line of 100 percent more man titty.
Well I’d either plagiarize John Burke’s, “If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism. If you steal from two, it’s research.” Or I’d Plagiarize Wilson Mizner’s, “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”
Oh, and I wouldn’t mention brainyquote’s website I used to look up those people.
Does breaking and entering in a Comic Shop and Defecating on Nu52 comics count? Cause by the Power of Ex-Lax I HAVE DIARRHEA!!
Those Mattress tags are going down!!
I would do nothing the the next morning drive through the city screaming “Who Responsible This!!!”
is sleep a crime?
because if it is I would commit the hell out of that.
Winner after the jump…
And the winner is pauldmiller. Mainly because I took pity on him, and figured if a T-shirt and cardboard mask can do anything to take away that pain, it is our solemn duty to see that it it happens:
I’d get a blowjob, because where I live in Alabama, sodomy by mouth is illegal.