And just like that, Ben “I was the bomb in Phantoms” Affleck is the new Dark Knight. Gone is the brooding playboy with the voice that sounds like he gargled with hydrochloric acid, replaced with the actor who has no fear. Worse yet, this opens the doors to new masturbatory fantasies for Kevin Smith, who just hours ago announced on Twitter that he had indeed seen Affleck naked.
While this decision is surely going to be the lead news story on nerd and mundane news sites alike today, with legions of fanboys already drinking their Hater-aid and gathering their pitchforks and torches, I am here to bring you good news. While Affleck might be the next Batman, this paves the way for him to not interfere with so many other characters whose tights he sure as hell doesn’t belong in. So no matter what you think of Gigli donning the cape and cowl, take comfort in knowing that the following are superheroes that he will not likely be ruining…
7. The Punisher
Affleck by Medill DC
It takes a certain amount of bravado to play a character like the Punisher, particularly in this day an age where tragedies have turned the gun into pariah. While Dolph “Drago” Lundgren played the role in all of its B-movie splendor, it was when Thomas Jane took over the skull shirt of Frank Castle that the character’s film career took off. It’s hard to see anyone else in the role – though Ray Stevenson gave it a good try – but the idea of Affleck mowing down scores of drug lords and pimps is almost impossible to imagine. Likely it would play out like the results of an unholy mating between the Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season scene from Jay and Silent Bob and the entirety of Gigli.
6. Any of the Ninja Turtles
Sorry Ben, but if you were waiting for a call from Michael Bay about the new Ninja Turtles movie, I think you just killed your chances.
First off, at 6’4″ tall, he’s almost double the size of a Ninja Turtle. While the technology of the Lord of the Rings films has shown that we can shrink someone in size digitally, it’s doubtful that technology could shrink Affleck to the appropriate size without making him look like a green Oompa Loompa. But technology aside, it’s the attitude of the characters that he would be lacking; it’s doubtful that he could display the brains of Donatello or the brooding of Raphael. Perhaps 20 years ago he could have captured the essence of Michaelangelo, but he certainly lacks the leadership credibility of Leonardo. Sorry friends, but the only role Affleck would get in my turtles movie would be Casey Jones, and it might take some casting couch favors to even get that far.
5. Mermaid Man
There is only one man on this planet that could shout the word “EVIL!” with the convictions of the most famous superhero in SpongeBob’s hometown of Bikini Bottom, and that’s his original actor Ernest “Cabbie” Borgnine. No amount of money on the planet would be worth Affleck losing his Hollywood physique for the rotund body of Mermaid Man, and an A-list actor like himself would not dare have his visage covered by a purple starfish.
Affleck, known to be a comic lover himself, would also take major issue with the costume. It’s well known that one does not put nipples on a Batsuit, but the Mermaid Man costume features what looks to be shell-shaped nipple pasties, a major no-no to any comic fan. Sadly, the one true Mermaid Man, Borgnine, passed away in 2012, and it’s doubtful anyone, especially Affleck, could fill that Speedo.
4. Green Lantern
Affleck by Talk Radio News Service
Let’s face it, kids, Ryan Reynolds was not what most of us expected in Hal Jordan, Green Lantern of sector 2814. While most of us were expecting a cocky, arrogant Jordan, we weren’t quite expecting him to go full douchebag. Reynolds’ Green Lantern straddled the line between unlikable and asshat, and by the time he became someone we could possibly relate to, it was time for the obligatory tent pole action scenes.
Affleck donning the ring and saying the oath would be just as bad, not because he would be too much of a dick, but because he wouldn’t be a dick at all. He’d be much more boy scout than Hal Jordan ever was, and any attempt at acting badass would likely turn out to be a caricature of his performance in Mallrats. We would all be screwed in an uncomfortable place if we had to watch him take over for Reynolds, and not in the backseat of a Volkswagen.
Affleck by joshc
For some reason, Alison Blaire, aka the mutant known as Dazzler, has not gotten her fair shake in this new era of superhero films. Her cameo was cut before filming in X-Men: The Last Stand, and her only appearance thus far is her name on a list in X-Men 2. It’s a travesty for many reasons: she’s hot, she’s talented, she shoots lasers from her finger and she can do the hustle. It’s obvious that Marvel/Disney have not found the right actor to play this important role, and thankfully it’s not Affleck.
First off, he’s not hot, at least not Dazzler hot. Sure, we can make him a blonde and Photoshop could trim him down to a more Alison Blaire size, but it seems unlikely that an audience would be able to suspend disbelief enough to accept him in this role. It’s likely that any film depicting Dazzler would involve the character singing, and from his performance in Jersey Girl, his voice would leave a lot to be desired. It’s also doubtful that he could pull off the dance moves necessary for a disco star of Dazzler’s caliber. Lastly, I don’t think any comic loving moviegoer would want to see Affleck in hot pants…except perhaps my wife.
2. Batman Beyond/Terry McGinnis
One of the wonderful rumors going around after the end of Christian Bale’s run as the Caped Crusader was that the next incarnation might take place in the future, with protege Terry McGinnis taking the mantle of Batman and Bruce Wayne looking on as a mentor. Given the popularity of Bale’s Batman, the idea of being able to include his characterization of Bruce Wayne is one that likely had studios salivating, especially when given the possibility of pairing him up with a glittery vampire or werewolf.
While I would love to see films set with the Batman Beyond storyline, the plain fact is that Affleck is too old to don the McGinnis Batsuit. If they choose to venture into the Beyond territory after the Affleck run of films (which are likely to be many as it’s doubtful he signed a contract for a single movie), it’s likely they will need to recast the character of old man Wayne, as the idea of him playing any sort of mentor boggles the mind.
1. Senhor Testiculo
According to research, women are more attracted to men who have the right amount of facial hair. Too much and they look like the cast of Duck Dynasty; too little and they look like Christopher Mintz-Plasse. It’s that hair that would be so necessary to the defender of the danglers, the guardian of the gonads, the hero of the inheritance, the Braavosi of the Balls, Senhor Testiculo. It would be a smart move for Affleck to pursue this character, as testicular cancer is a hot-button issue that he could really sink his teeth into, educating men and comic lovers of all ages that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, and self-examination.
Sadly, while Affleck can certainly rock the five o’clock shadow, it’s doubtful that his limited facial hair alone could provide the level of coverage necessary for Senhor Testiculo, which is disappointing seeing as how Affleck is multilingual. On second thought, however, we here at Topless Robot wholeheartedly believe that if Hollywood were to make a Senhor Testiculo movie, they should give serious consideration to Ben Affleck.
Previously by Jason Helton: