Somebody’s about to jump for joy.
Before I tell you who, as usual, let’s look at some of those who didn’t quite make it to the highest platform. The assignment was to imagine a new Mario movie, as made by Michael Bay or a similarly unlikely director.
*makes gun hand* Ptchewww
*moves one hand over other hand with minor separation* Wooosh
*moves both hands in an outward, cupped fashion, fingers flattening* Kpchschtchowww
*hands arc further outward, falling to waist* chhhhchchhchhhhhchhh
*hands writhe, fingers very mobile* fssfhhhfhshhhshfhh
*hands move in a horizontal plane. Bouncing up, cupped, fingers extended, every one point five seconds* pchgeww pchgeww pchgeww pchgeww pchgeww pchgeww pchgeww pchgeww
*Michael Bay looks up to the head writer with a hopeful expression.*
“Now make that into an hour and a half.”
Tommy Wiseau is writing and directing this adaptation of the “Super Mario Bros.” starring himself as Luigi, and as Mario is Ken Davitian(the fat guy from Borat).
Scene: Outside one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s many castles(apartment building), and the reason we can tell this is the Mushroom Kingdom is the street signs indicate as such(ex: Mushroom Ave., and Mushroom Blvd.) is Mario and Luigi. The two are searching for Peach but can’t find her, this is the third castle and Mario has broken down crying, as he sits on the curb as Luigi consoles him very coldly with a stiff arm, and a droll voice.
LUIGI: Mario, we can find her in another castle. We will find her. Don’t worry.
MARIO: [Still sobbing] B-b-but Luigi. Toad is taunting us, why don’t we just give up?
LUIGI: My brother, we can’t give up. We are the Mario Brothers. We save the day, and the toilets.
MARIO: [Sniffle] You are right, we will find her. We will save her. Here, you should have a fire flower too.(Fire flower = .45 caliber pistol)
LUIGI: Thank you brother. I love you, like I love our mother. But I have no love for Toad.
[Turns to Toad(a red and white mushroom), who is sitting on the window sill.]
LUIGI: You taunt us! Why? Why do you tear us apart?! We are brothers, and you can not ruin that. I will not allow it!
[Turns “Fire flower” towards Toad, and shoots “him” three times.]
Mario Johnson is a holywood geek played by Taylor Lautner, who, despite being shunned in school, pines for the hottest girl in school, Daisy.
Turns out she is in fact the Princess of Planet Toadstool, who is hiding from the evil tyrant, King Koopa.
When she is kidnapped by the elite soldier unit knows as Goombas, he must team up with the school janitor, Luigi (played by John Torturo), a cowardly yet lovable steriotypical Italian-american, and embark on a quest to save her and prevent Koopa from destroying the earth, the only thing stopping him from conquering this galaxy, with his new weapon, the Bullet Bill.
There will be explosions, drug humor and Koopa’s flying Clown-face will have a ballsack somewhere!
Super Mario Brothers: a Stephen Sommers Film
An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as the Brotherhood of M.A.R.I.O. , operating out of “The Yoshi”, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer known as KOOPA.
Mario Lopez as Mario M.A.R.I.O.
Chris Tucker as Luigi M.A.R.I.O.
Jason Statham as Yoshi
Damon Wayans as Toad
David Tennant as Kamek
John Leguizamo as General Mario “Jumpman”
Megan Fox as Daisy/(Pauline)
PSY as Birdo
OK, so Toad briefs Mario and Luigi on how to use the Billion Dollar Starman suits before going to stop Daisy (who is really Pauline) and Birdo from Unleashing Kamek’s Bob-ombs on World 2. Luigi makes a quip and falls on his ass. We get a chase scene of Mario and Luigi chasing Daisy (the background music is a dubstep remix of the Starman theme). Yoshi goes all fuck that shit and chases Birdo on his own. At the end of the scene Mario gets captured by Daisy and Birdo, while Luigi, Toad and Yoshi get arrested by theWorld 2 Police, also the bob-ombs explode and mess up all the landmarks of World 2. They (toad, Yoshi and Luigi) are rescued by General Jumpman.
Also, KOOPA is Really Wario, Mario’s cousin… who also dated Pauline since High School.
an Uwe Boll Film:
The Mushroom Kingdom, a Medieval world full of wonder and magic… with go-kart chases, basketball, furries and zany things.
We see the sweat dripping from Bowser’s brow (played by Jeremy Irons) Who is grabbing Peach (played by Kristanna Loken) As he seats her on a two seated Go-Kart (We get a quick Glimpse of ACTUAL Super Mario Kart Footage) as the Mario Brothers enter the Scene.
“Stop! You won’t Escape with the Princess!” Yells Mario (played by Ray Liotta) “Luigi, get your ass in gear, Bowsa’s escaping!” Luigi takes off his Frog Suit Mask (and we see he is played by Ray Romano)
“Whaaaaaaaat!? I couldn’t hear you with this frog suit on!” (We get a quick glimpse of Mario 3 gameplay with Luigi with frog suit on) They get on the Go-Kart to follow Bowser as Toad (played by Verne Troyer) waddles to the scene! “Wait for me!” and he hops on the kart.
We have a Go-Kart chase scene as they tear down the Mushroom Marketplace (With clips from SMB 2 toad throwing Turnips.) as Toad throws turnips at Bowser.
James Wan’s “Mycophobia”, I don’t have a scene, but here’s the idea.
Mario is a man plagued by his fear of mushrooms. His loving girlfriend Peach seeks to cure him of his phobia, along with his brother Luigi. No licensed practitioner of medicine can help them, and their financial resources are dwindling. They notice a posting on the internet on a medical forum. The Shy Guy is a man that dabbles in experimental treatments for next to nothing, of only to practice his abilities. The thing is, most of his patients around the forum say he’s a genius.
Deciding to take him up on his offer, they arrange a meeting. Only the Shy Guy isn’t some quack, apparently he’s a trained professional, that owns his own albeit underground clinic, known as The Kingdom. The facility is surprisingly more than nice. Only thing is he only takes one appointment at a time, due to the sometimes extreme nature of these treatments. So as to not endanger anyone that doesn’t have an appointment at that current time.
The way Shy Guy would like to assist Mario in his fears, is to have him consume Shy Guy’s homegrown mushrooms. They are of course psychotropic. He figures the only way Mario can live a normal life is by, going on a horrifically trippy experience. Only Mario won’t be alone, Shy Guy feels Peach and Luigi should be there with him for through the thick of it, and will consume the shrooms as well. Upon consuming the nightmare fungus they soon find themselves not within the safety of The Kingdom, but in a dark world that may well not be of our earth. To conquer his fears Mario must strive to endure, and defeat all his inner demons conjured up by this dangerous procedure.
James Wan has been doing ghost stories recently, but I imagine this could be more a mixture of Insidious and Saw. Quite a horrifying reality, and yet still with a sense of fantasy in the unknown. Plus it’s not every day you get to see a movie about a fear of mushrooms.
Mario – Toby Kebbell(It would be interesting)
Peach – Jena Malone(Feel like she’d be a nice addition with a concept like this)
Luigi – Tome Hiddleston(Could be nice, and he wears green nicely as Loki)
Shy Guy – Patrick Wilson(May as well since he was in Insidious and The Conjuring)
J. J. Abrams Super Mario Bros. Trailer :
Zachary Quinto as Mario goes down a drainpipe *lens flair*
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Luigi turns and looks twords the camera “Mamma Mia” *lens flair*
Kristen Bell as Peach get’s kidnapped by Bowser Jr (played by Asa Butterfield) laughing *lens flair*
Bowser (Javier Badem) screams at Bullet Bill (Danny Trejo) “after them” *LENS FLAIR*
Mario ask’s How are we going to get to the castle when toad (Jonah Hill) hands the Mario the leash to a CG Jay Baruchel who just says “Yoshi!” LLLLLEEEEEENNNNNNNSSSSS FFFFFLLLLAAAAIIIIRRR*
Then the tittle screen fades from black – which is pipes blown up in the shape of the iconic Mushroom (search images of the dark knight rises or the previous star trek movie).
then the noise of a coin counter with proper fanfare music…and some fireworks are heard
then release date is shown
Directed by Sofia Coppola. “Peach.” A romantic comedy starring Ashton Kutcher as Mario and Justin Long as Luigi, brothers who own a plumbing business. Mario is smitten by one of his plumbing clients, Peach, played by Reese Witherspoon. She is unavailable, as she is engaged to Dave Koopa, whose parents own a mushroom farm. The movie plays out in true rom-com style, ending with Mario chasing Peach through the rain.
Dave Koopa played by Mark Wahlberg.
Oh, I didn’t describe a scene, just gave the plot. Well, other than the names, it really has nothing to do with the game property. So, in this scene, Mario and Luigi are at Peach’s flower shop, in the greenhouse, repairing the sprinkler system. Peach and Dave are arguing about her giving up her shop after the wedding, which she doesn’t want to do. Dave storms off, and Mario comforts a distraught Peach. He tells her if he had a woman like her, all that would matter is making her happy. She looks at him, it appears they might kiss, then her phone rings and the sexual tension is broken. She tells him she has to go, and Mario re-joins Luigi in repairing the sprinklers. Luigi makes some sort of joke and Mario tells him to shut up. Scene
Much credit to Emuhlee for daring to play it straight…
Peter Jackson’s “The Other Castle”.
The story focuses on Mario (Christian Bale) as he struggles to rescue Princess Peach (Jennifer Lawrence) from the clutches of the evil Bowser (voiced by Bryan Cranston). Additional cast members are Peter Dinklage as the clever and witty Toad who guides Mario on his journey, and Nathan Fillion as Luigi (he will be the token comedic relief for the film).
The scene I have in mind is as follows. It starts with a classic swooping shot of Bowser’s castle. It is the end of the film; Mario is bloody and bruised. Months prior, Mario had tried to rescue the princess, but to no avail, thus making it a trilogy of films, not just one. This is the ending of the trilogy.
From his failure, he learns what he must do to become the hero the Mushroom Kingdom needs. He and Luigi have fought, and his younger brother left to return home. He was tired from their quest; Mario wouldn’t give up that easily. Our mustachioed warrior has been through so much, and has sacrificed who he had been in order to transform himself. But that’s what was needed. Mario grunts in pain. His journey is almost at an end; the princess he seeks is just behind the two monstrous metal doors in front of him. He staggers up the steps to the final battle. Mario has conquered every obstacle Bowser has thrown his way. He recalls his first encounter with the beast, and how disheartened he was after learning that his princess was truly in another castle. Then it was on to the Dry Dry desert, in order to seek an ancient relic that would give him the power to destroy his enemy once and for all. From there, Mario journeyed to the haunted mansion in the hopes that one of the Boos, who were Bowser’s minions, would know the location of the princess. Luigi was still with him then, and his brother had remarked about how easily the ghosts could be sucked up with some kind of device. His mind continued to wander to days long gone.
Mario snaps back to reality. In front of the doors, he pauses, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. The audience can see the sweat on his brow and the determination on his face. Suddenly (in time to the crescendo of the score that is playing in the background) he opens his eyes. The camera angle changes to a wide-shot of Mario pushing open the doors. They groan and swing inward. Before him lies a darkened entrance. Mario steps inside. The camera continues at this angle for a moment, then the doors slam shut and the camera goes black.
Once inside the chamber, a fiery blast illuminates Mario’s person. He looks up. Bowser sits in a gigangic throne, smoke streaming through his nostrils. He opens his mouth, and lets loose a burst of flame. The king of Koopas stands, and the room trembles at his very movement. He is massive, almost as tall as the chamber itself. He grins an evil grin, and laughs. It is a deep, rumbling sound, a sound that sent Mario’s stomach aflutter. But he stood his ground. He raises his fists in response, and charges at the beast. He doesn’t see the princess, but he knows she’s here. She has to be. “There is no other possibility,” he tells himself. He must not give up!
Bowser opens his mouth once more, and lets loose another bust of flame directly at our hero. The final battle had begun.
CBS Primetime presents:
NCIS: Mushroom Kingdom.
When a young seaman aboard the USS Yoshi is murdered it is up to the team of special agent “Mario” Gibbs and investigator Thom Luigi to investigate the crime. They are assisted by goth-girl forensic specialist Peaches McClain and stuffy British coroner Alastair Toad.
Two Broke Plumbers.
When wealthy socialite Luiga Moneyton’s fortune is seized by federal investigators, she is forced to take a job working with down-on-her-luck plumber Maria Workinger. They embark of a crazy quest to open their own powerup shop between one night stands and raunchy jokes about mushroom abuse.
Super Mario World. Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson: Starring Milla Jovovich as Dorothy (a brand new character who has and never will appear or be mentioned in the video games.)
Dorothy (Jovovich) arrives in the mushroom kingdom naked (pause worthy DVD moment.) via a tornado with no memory and holding a special whistle in her hand. She happens to find some Clothes in an odd shaped question marked box. She walks down some scenery that looks a tiny bit like the mushroom kingdom then comes across a Goomba who proceeds to attack her. This is where she remembers she can fight like a Mortal Kombat Character and beats the living fungus out of the Goomba.
The rest of the movie plays out much the same with Jovovich dodging obstacles by sliding on her knees and back flipping of Question mark Boxes. The main Bad guy would be the Koopa corporation run by some dude in a suit played by an unknown French actor. The end monster will be something mundane like a mutated Koopa Trooper. By the 3rd sequel Luigi would be introduced along with Toad and the whole planet will be covered in Goombas ala Mad Max and by the 5th sequel it will hint at King Kooper and maybe introduce Mario, Yoshi, Daisy as a special unit trying to steel a secret government created fire flower from a 97 level tower block filled with more Goombas and mutated Kooper troopers.
Oh and Milla Jovovich is the main character in all of the films because the game fans want that….right?
Coming hot off the successes of big budget Hollywood movies based off comics, video games were the next logical step. Thanks to his already firmly established directorial credits with “The Town” and “Argo,” Ben Affleck figured that he was ready to approach the adaptation of “Super Mario” with a fresh new take, which of course includes casting himself and Matt Damon in the lead roles.
We open on a street in downtown Boston. Drug addicts litter the streets, many of them with turtleshell beanies on their heads. Matt Damon’s voice narrates with a heavy boston accent: “Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom. Bet you can figure out how this shithole earned its name. My brother and I weren’t regulars down around here. We knew there was nothing but trouble to be found this side of Boston, but we had a job to take care of. My girl was in trouble.”
Pan over to a van tearing through the streets. The license plate reads GOOMBA. Three men in black balaclavas have kidnapped a woman in a pink miniskirt. They yell at one another incoherently in another language as the woman screams.
Cut to the bright green mustang racing after them. Mario sits in the passenger side, played by Matt Damon, and Luigi, played by Ben Affleck, is behind the wheel. Mario rants to his brother.
MARIO: “C’mon, Luge! Those brown sacks of shit are getting away with Peach! Fucking Al-Qaeda wannabe sons of–” Luigi cuts him off, driving like a mad man to try and keep up with the van.
LUIGI: “Listen, Mar! We’re gonna get her back, alright? Just keep your head on straight.”
The back door of the van bursts open. One of the men in balaclavas opens fire on Mario and Luigi.
MARIO: “Mama fucking Mia!”
Mario whips out his side arm from his hip, a beretta with a flower decal wrapping around up to the barrel. He fires back wildly. Shots blast and ricochet off both vehicles, but neither party lands a hit. Finally, the GOOMBA van shakes its bright green tail as it drives into a gated compound. The gate slams shut behind it, leaving Mario and Luigi screeching to a halt as they arrive shortly after. Degraded women loiter around, smoking on cheap cigarettes, dressed in fake furs and knee-high boots. The two heroes both get out of the van, looking up at the sign above the entrance gate.
LUIGI: Those motherfuckers…
The sign reads, in faded text: BOWSER’S BROTHEL
The voiceover continues, as Mario reloads his gun: “We only had one option. It wasn’t gonna be pretty, and it sure as hell was gonna make us late for work, but this was more important shit to clean up than the one clogged in some asshole’s toilet. Plumbing could wait; we had to storm the castle.”
This is Affleck’s action debut. Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom. Welcome to…
First of all, knowing Hollywood, being so intellectually inbred. they wouldn’t actually base it on the source material. They would remake the old movie so it would be even further from the games and characters. Bay wouldn’t be involved, too busy with new Transformers like Ninja Turtles, so he would hand pick some hack smaller director from music videos or Transformers wanna be studio films.
Megan Fox would not be Daisy. You’d get some new wanna be Megan Fox. Maybe someone rebounding off the Disney rehab wagon like Demi Lovato or maybe the Lohan tries for a more mainstream comeback.
They would mix things up and have Luigi as the straight man and Mario as the skinny goof. Russel Brand is Mario with Vince Vaughn as Luigi. They meet Daisy the same as the old movie and go to the dark parallel world all the same.
For Koopa, we need an actor who could give it his all like Hopper did no matter how bad. Nic Cage instantly comes to mind as a modern day Hopper who will toss himself into it. Cage would hang out with actual lizards in a zoo to study for his role. Hopper went around with holding his hands like a T-Rex. Maybe Cage with somehow affix his hands to be as such. Oh and eat flies on set.
Yoshi is a CGI jive talking dinosaur that makes Jar Jar Binks looks like Sidney Poitier. He is actually both a black and Asian stereotype. It will be mo capped and voiced by Ken Jeong and also somehow weirdly look just like him.
The Goombas will be made using leftover CGI from The Amazing Spider-man. The mushroom kingdom is a dark wartorn dystopia where Koopa is a power mad dictator. Think Lord of The Rings meets Blade Runner meets Tron Legacy meets The Matrix and what ever five other random movies some suit thinks of. The sets and CGI are somehow even less creative than that idea.
Iggy and Spike are Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton from Always Sunny with only slightly toned down gross out humor. Wait.. no.. that’s too good. Make it Kevin James and David Spade? I dunno, is Chris Rock unfortunately washed up enough?
Bob-omb will now be a full character, still wearing Nikes though. (We also have tons of real world product placement in the Mushroom Kingdom somehow.) He will be in a mostly cgi suit and played by the kid from Two And A Half Men. Bob-omb will sacrifice himself at the end of the movie to stop Koopa’s world merging machine from blowing up our New York, which oddly has a ton of destruction and 9-11 imagery just like Man of Steel. He will be hailed as the hero by Mario and Luigi, who are now stuck in the Mushroom Kingdom with Daisy and Big Bertha (played by cross dressing Matthew Lawrence). Koopa is taken away to mushroom jail
The movie ends like all Hollywood movies today must.. with a post credits tie in for a larger franchise.
A space ship comes down to the saved Mushroom Kingdom. Out steps a guy in a bulky space armor. he takes off his helmet. It’s Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. He says, “Luigi! Mario! My name is Metroid. I have come from outer space to warn you about a new threat to the Mushroom Kingdom.. from the planet Hyrule. His name.. is Ganon”
Okay, a contest I know something about. Here we go
Let’s try something a little different. Mario and Luigi (Played by Jason Statham and Joseph-Gordon Levitt respectively), are two lowly plumbers working in a coal mine, when one day, they discover that Wario (played by toss up between Seth Rogan or Jonah Hill…maybe John Goodman ), whose lines consist mainly of fart jokes and crude sexual entendres has kidnapped the daughter of the president, and has taken her to a parallel universe where animals rule, and they discover that Wario is working for King Koopa (played by The Rock), who wants to take over the world, and thinks that America can control the rest of the world (c’mon it’s Bay, of course this was gonna appear). Mario and Luigi, after falling very much behind Wario, have to journey across the Mushroom Kingdom and rescue Peach, picking up allies in the form of Toad (played by Verne Troyer), Yoshi (done in CGI), and the effeminate stereotype of the pink bob-omb (voiced by Rob Schneider). Along the way, they have to fight lots of enemies, like the Goomba’s (which are obviously suicide bombers), the Koopa Troops (which explode when stomped on), the Hammer brothers (which throw Hammers that explode upon collision with anything), and the Bullet Bills (no prizes for guessing what they do :P).
They rescue the princess and escape as Bowser’s fortress is blown up, and end with sequel bait involving Bowser Jr.
Now for an actual scene…fuck. Also, a change. Toad is portrayed in as a black manservant, portrayed by Tony Cox.
HB1: DUUUDE. What did we get up to last night?
HB2: I dunno man, but were totally wasted on those mushrooms bro.
HB2: Hey bro, ain’t dat those Mario chumps King Koopa’s lookin’ for?
HB1: When where we supposed to have heard about that?
HB2: That Toadette Chick who bought us dose Mega Mushrooms was blatherin’ about it.
HB1: Man, I’m surprised you could hear her say anything through that hammer in her throat.”
HB1: Not so loud, you moron. Now c’mon. The amount of coinage Koopa has out on ‘dose two, I reckon we could set up another meeting with dat Toadette, if you catch my meanin Bro.
I feel dirty having written half of that. Fuck you Michael Bay
Wes Anderson’s Super Mario Bros.
In this delightfully quirky adaptation of the hit Nintendo franchise, an aged Mario (Bill Murray) finds himself trapped in an ongoing rivalry with Bowser (Jeff Goldblum) as both men try to woo their mutual high school crush, “Princess” Peach (Anjelica Huston). Tired of the off-again, on-again relationship with Peach, Mario attempts to commit suicide but is found by his estranged younger brother, Luigi (Jason Schwartzman), who decides to take his brother on a road trip to Bowser’s castle to reunite him with the woman of his dreams. While they are on the road, the two brothers face not only the challenges life throws at them, but also the family bond they had lost all those years ago.
The Sewer from Hell
Director: Ed Wood
Mario: Tor Johnson
Luigi: Ed Wood’s dentist
Peach: Vampira (she does not change her costume or make up in any way, shape or form)
Bowser: Bela Lugosi
The film opens with B-roll (stock footage that’s cheap and sold in lots) of toilets backing up, and women screaming. Somehow shots of Audrey II get in there that Wood certainly never paid for. Bela Lugosi gives a rambling, morphine-addled monologue that sounds somehow both more, and less convoluted than anything that’s ever passed the lips of Dr. Clayton Forrester. Twenty-five minutes into the film, after two off-screen deaths are investigated in suburban bathrooms that didn’t require a permit to film in, someone has the bright idea to call a plumber.
Enter the Mario Bros. Plumbing Service. Luigi does most of the talking (bless Tor during filming, he tried), while Mario pokes the body with a plunger and taps the toilet tank with a pipe wrench. Luigi comes to the natural conclusion that something unnatural is afoot in Small Town, USA’s sewers. A neighbor comes into the scene, exclaiming that his daughter was just dragged into the drainpipe by some kind of plant/tentacle creature. Naturally, the police ask the plumbers to investigate.
Somehow, this film manages to garner a better response both critically and financially than the Bob Hoskins movie.
Mario & Luigi are renamed Mark & Lou, Played by Bruce Willis & Mark Walberg, and are US Marines in South America
“Lily” is Lou’s fiancee (Played by Kat Dennings) and was kidnapped to force Lou to sabotage the US Military, to allow drugs to be shipped into the States
“Kingpin Cupac”(Pronounced like Tupac, and played by Bob Hoskins, with a bad Latin accent) **insert Bay saying “SEE!! I know what this Mario thing is about”**
“Bowser” is the Kingpin’s body guard, a ‘roid raging Zangief-esque brute. He is never called by name, & seen only once in the background
The “Mushroom Kingdom” is the code name used for Columbia, and our heroes are there to snuff out a drug cartel & save Lily
“Fire Flowers” are Flame Throwers
“Joad” (played by Shia LaBoeuff) is a military demolition expert, who is also afraid of loud noises
“Yoshi” is an Aabrahms Tank, with a prototype gattling barrel on the turret
Joad helps Lily escape by blowing a hole in the wall of the building she is locked in.(cue The BEEF screaming uncontrollably & Dennings telling him to shut the fuck up & run)
Once Lily is free, Mark & Lou ride Yoshi into Cupac’s compound, burn everybody they see with Fire Flowers & proceed to “Bring down his castle” with Yoshi… (cue 10 min of slow mo bullets blasting buildings to shreds)
After the castle is rubble, Cupac is trapped under a roof beam & defenseless. Mark & Lou walk up to him, Cupac screams for mercy & to be sent to prison. Mark & Lou pull out sidearms, they aim at Cupac and,
“Sorry Bitch, this is our party…
…and you don’t get any cake”
Then they shoot him
George Lucas’ Super Mario Brothers
We open with a crawl explaining that there is conflict between the Mushroom Kingdom nobility and the native Koopas.
Open on a castle, where Princess Peach and Bowser are debating the finer points of Feudalism, ownership of the land, her taxation policies, and the divine right of kings and the benefits of a monarchy form of government vs. the Koopa’s equally authoritarian, but less legitimate “might makes right” system of government.
This debate continues for an hour.
Finally, Bowser agrees that he lacks legitimacy to rule the Mushroom Kingdom, so he decides to become a noble via marriage to Peach, and kidnaps her to try and persuade her to agree to his proposal.
Mario (Hayden Christensen), a lowly castle plumber, is the only witness to the kidnapping and sets off in pursuit to rescue her. Along the way, he is joined by Toad (Warwick Davis), and Yoshi a CGI dinosaur who can now speak and does so with Jamaican accent. Also, Yoshi poops as comic relief.
George Lucas then goes back and re-releases special editions of every previously published Mario game with the sprite of Mario digitally replaced with one of Christensen.
and the winner is…
The winner is jonap, with two entries that were both hilarious.
Quentin Tarantino?s “The Super Mario Brothers”.
A black Mercedes Benz crawls through the crowded streets of shibuya. Inside there are three young fellas, two white guys in black suits – one sits in the front, he is good looking with fluffy long hair (Luigi: Ryan Gosling), the other one sits in the backseat and looks like a caged beast (Mario: Joaquin Phoenix) – and their japanese driver Yoshi (Steven Yeun).
Yoshi with a very thick japanese accent: Shit man, I can?t believe I?m riding with the Mario brothers, that?s so superman!
Luigi: [Smiles] It?s Marioni, not Mario.
Mario [while looking out of the window]: Technically it ain?t Marioni either. Only a retard would go ?round the world killin? people with his real name.
Luigi: I know where this is going…
Mario and Luigi at the same time: James Bond is code name.
Mario: Damn right it is, how else could he be a secret spy if he goes telling his fucking name to every fucking person he meets?
Luigi: Sure thing man. I think you?ve hanging with Joe?s kid too much.
Mario: What?s so fuckin? funny?
Luigi: Don?t mind him little buddy.
Yoshi [noticeably scared]: Bushitsukede sumimasen.
Mario: Grow a pair faggot.
Luigi: Tell me Yoshi, who is this Kong guy anyway?
Yoshi: Kong is the biggest, baddest, blackest motherfucker to ever come out of Sierra Leone…
Luigi: And why does “The Dragon Turtle of Yokohama” wants him dead?
Yoshi: Two weeks ago that Donkey Kurombo, stormed Daimaio Kuppa?s favorite yukaku, and raped Momo-san, his favorite girl.
Mario: Shit! Boy, you make us fly all the fuckin? way to monkey land ?cause some crazy ape has been dickin? Big Daddy?s whore? I mean, how fuckin? hard can it be to spot a big ass nigger in this sea of mushroom heads anyway? Aren?t you guys all fuckin? ninja and shit?
Luigi [turns around and look at Mario]: Have you finished or are you going to bark all day like a bitch? Remember the threshold man, you don?t want to fuckin?cross it!
Mario: You know, fuck this! I?m out, call me if you need to do some real work.
And then this…
Good work, everyone!