Sorry, but there is no rational response that is better.
The Lords of Salem – Rob Zombie’s latest is lower-key than most, emulates his horror idols like Kubrick and Polanski to an extensive degree, and gives his wife Sheri Moon Zombie her meatiest role yet as a DJ who listens to a possessed vinyl record. She rises to the challenge in a way her detractors would not have anticipated, and there are many genuinely creepy moments here as she loses her mind – or is attacked by the supernatural. The problem I have – and this is borne out every time I read an interview with the director – is that it’s clear his choices are driven almost 100% by what looks cool, and what he’s already seen from others. He has no idea what he wants to say, so while this may be his best-looking movie yet (it’s also his least rednecky, for those who are bugged by that), it’s ultimately a bit hollow, even with Meg Foster as a scary old lesbian witch.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie – Mike, Tom and Crow’s spirited shellacking of This Island Earth finally gets a bells and whistles release from Shout factory, with bonus features and deleted scenes long omitted from cheap-ass prior releases.
Idle Hands – Teen horror-comedy about Devon Sawa’s independently minded homicidal hand, made better in hindsight as a curiosity since it features early big-screen performances by Seth Green and Jessica Alba.
The Fugitive – HE DIDN’T KILL HIS WIFE! (points finger.) This 20th anniversary edition of the movie that made Hollywood believe all TV shows need the big-screen treatment includes the pilot for an attempted TV reboot in 2000 starring Tim Daly as Kimble and Mykelti Williamson as Gerard. We totally believe Bubba from Forrest Gump could ever catch the voice of Superman.
Cockneys vs. Zombies – Because we all know that accents are the key to defeating the undead, wot?
From up on Poppy Hill – Goro Miyazaki’s adaptation of the manga about ’60s teen romance – and Japan’s top-grossing film of 2011 – is one that I look forward to catching up on ASAP. Gillian Anderson, Sarah Bolger, Beau Bridges, Jamie Lee Curtis, Bruce Dern, Christina Hendricks, Ron Howard, Chris Noth, Aubrey Plaza and Anton Yelchin star in the English audio track, but feel free to ignore them in favor of the original audio.
That’s certainly not all we get this week, but those are my top picks. What are yours?