The assignment: to answer the question of what movie you would have Guillermo del Toro make if it were his last one, and you could give him unlimited funds and creative control. Note that I said ONE – a couple of these runners up might have had a chance at winning had they not pitched multiple installments. Read the rules carefully, folks – I capitalized ONE the first time too.
I’m not always a stickler – but when competition is tight, it’s how I winnow down the field.
jonap‘s for example, was the funniest – but it’s TWO.
After years of legal battles, Director Guillermo del Toro anounces the much expected film adaptation of japanese manga Akira. However due to the lukewarm reception of Pacific Rim by american audiences, two versions of the film will be released; The international cut, that features japanese actorsKazato Tomizawa, Yuya Ozeki and Seishiro Kato as the titular Akira, and The American cut, a humorous westernized take on the source material (adapted by Family guy?s creator Seth Macfarlane) featuring Hollywood?s top teen actors: Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson, and Shia Labeouf.
When reached for comment Del toro said “Because fuck you, that?s why”.
Gallen_Dugall‘s, equally funny – but it’s THIRTY-TWO.
Obviously I’d want him to do something I wrote, because what’s the point of going crazy if you do it someone else’s way?
I think he’d be best suited to bring my 32 part epic saga of the Penguin Apocalypse to the big screen… as 32 separate movies of course. It would be the work that consumed the remainder of his life.
Alternately my stand alone tale of first contact “Ambassador to Earth” – it would have to be filmed on location, on the Earth. No substitutes.
In any event I want talented unknown and lesser known actors only. No big names and no just-a-pretty-face types.
Legion of Monsters
Okay, sure he’s done Hellboy, and sure he’s hoping to do Justice League Dark, but this is different: Marvel’s Legion of Monsters includes all the classic monsters with distinct Marvel twists: The Living Mummy, the Living Vampire, the Werewolf by Night (who one assumes must also be living) and, of course, Manphibian (Who you might ask? Well, of course you would.) – but that’s not all! They are led by the 18-year-old daughter of an 8000 year old monster-hunter, they have regular run-ins with both Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster, and they protect/ally with hundreds of Marvel’s 1950s giant monster menaces!
Think about it, imagine if the bad guys from the monster squad were on a team of heroes led by Buffy and with all the Kaiju you could dream up at their beck and call? And they fight Dracula!
The casting kind of takes care of itself:
Doug Jones: the Living Mummy (in costume) and the Manphibian (motion capture)
Ron Perlman: Werewolf by Night (just seems right)
Robert Pattinson: Morbius the Living Vampire (no really, you don’t need much acting range for this one, and to have him do the entire performance in Twilight Zone-eque pig-nose would be perfect)
Chloe Moretz: Elisa Bloodstone (because what isn’t that girl in these days?)
Idris Elba: Frankenstein’s Monster (you know he could act the hell out of that)
Steve Buscemi: Dracula (I don’t know why, it just seems right)
Through in some Googam, Gorgilla, Grottu and other Marvel Monsters not starting with G, and you’d have
a real winner.
Boss_Fight takes advantage of the hypothetical lack of limitations, buying up multiple rights…
Guillermo del Toro presents
Gods & Monsters
Wonder Woman (Gina Carano)
Doctor Strange (Daniel Day Lewis)
Loki (Tom Hiddleston)
Hellboy (Ron Perlman)
Swamp Thing (Idris Elba)
Magik (Chole Grace Moretz)
Jason Blood / Etrigan (Benedict Cumberbatch)
the Stars were right
the Sea turned to blood
Hell was full
and the World burned
They were Ready.
I would personally give the public the Peter Jackson/del Toro collaboration they’d be wanting since the early days of The Hobbit.
The Jackson/del Toro movie that the public deserves. Not the Jackson/Del Toro movie the public needs – A reboot, no less.
The public would get Peter Jackson presents Guillermo del Toro’s Meet The Feebles.
The Little Mermaid
PG or R rated retell of the Little Mermaid, with some Romeo and Juliet thrown in, where the merfolk and humans are on the verge of war. The merfolk command a horde of submarine beasts (maybe even some kaiju?) and have some nasty wizards on their side. Ursula is one of those wizards and plots to take advantage and usurp the throne during the conflict. Making Ariel human is part of her ploy. Eric is the prince and also the commander of the human fleet. The humans have come up with some underwater weapons, such as underwater mines, explosive charges and maybe even a steam-powered submarine, to even the odds.
Eric (human prince and commander) – Richard Madden (Robb Stark from Game of Thrones)
Ariel (little mermaid) – Alexandra Daddario (from Percy Jackson) or Molly C Quinn (Alexis from Castle)
Ursula (sea witch) – Sofia Vergara
King Triton (merfolk king)- Pierce Brosnan
Sebastian (Ariel’s bodyguard) – CG lobster-man voiced by Ron Perlman
Note: The characters would need different names to avoid being sued by Disney.
Guillermo del Toro’s “Voltron.” That should be all that needs to be said, but I’ll keep going anyway.
On the war-ravaged planet Arus, a sell-sword named Keith finds the key to the long-dormant “Black Lion,” athe only force capable of fighting back against the constant Robeast attacks sent by the evil King Zarkon. Courted by both Arus’s princess Allura and Zarkon’s beautiful witch Haggar, Keith plays both sides against the other to amass as great a fortune as he can before he gets the hell out of dodge. But when Haggar’s Jealous lover and Zarkon’s son, Prince Lotor, piss him off, Keith joins up with the Allura’s hand-picked Voltron force to fight a shitload of robeasts for the next three hours. When Sven inevtiably gets his dumb ass killed, Allura jumps intro his seat and Voltron can finally be formed for the huge-ass climactic battle. (which, itself, is about four hours long.)
Zarkon– Samuel Muthafuckin Jackson, because however GDT decides to make Zarkon look, ittle be awesome that way
Haggar- Helena Bonham Carter, duh
Lotor- Chiwetel Ejiofor, and he’ll have a sword
Allura: Jennifer Lawrence; youth, beauty, and the ability to say “fuck you” like she means it
Keith: Sam Rockwell; maybe a little old, but the Voltron Youth’s failure so far can be linked directly to its youth, and Sam Rockwell could perfectly balance the amount of charm and menace needed
Commander Coran: Paul Giamatti. Why not? If he were a believable warrior, he wouldn’t need Keith.
The rest of the kids– Lance, Hunk, pidge, Sven– can be played by a bunch of unknowns, but I’d make Lance into a woman, just because this movie needs more boobs.
Oh, and there will be dancing mice– oh yes, there will be dancing mice.
Guillermo del Toro presents The Aquabats! The Movie! This will be The Aquabats! fighting their old enemies and teaming up with old members of the band too! All culminating in the epic battle that we’ve all been waiting for: The Aquabats! vs GWAR. And the big bad will be revealed at the end to be The Mysterious Kyu, former band member who resents The Aquabats! departure from the ska sound.
Aquabats? Let’s Go!
If I could throw wads of cash at GdT to make any film? I’d go for a version of “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” that is loyal to the book; Mercerism, Iran Deckard, Roy Baty, Buster Friendly, Luba, Rachel Rosen, everything. If he has to make it a super-long movie, then so be it. I just want to see the book Philip K. Dick wrote get screen time as it was written. Blade Runner is an excellent film, but it barely resembles to source material. Everything is changed except a few names, and the most important themes from the book are lost or buried beneath a dumbed-down moral in the movie.
And to be honest, I’d love to see Dick’s story pulled from the hands of Ridley Scott before he gets his unnecessary sequel made. That is reason alone to see it remade in a form closer to the book.
I think GdT would make a very dark, very soulful film vision of Dick’s book.
I think it’s high time someone does an absolutely stunning version of Milton’sParadise Lost for the big screen, and Guillermo is pretty much perfect for it.
Think about it. Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy? Capable of doing crazy sets and visuals, while managing hellish monsters. Pacific Rim? Mad-scale effects and giant fight scenes. With a blank cheque, the man could work wonders.
The script, of course, would be cut straight from the original text to make it that much more grandiose and awesome, and because it’s divided into twelve books (each one in and around 800-1200 lines, I think) the movie would need to be probably 5 hours long. BUT HOLY MOTHER OF MEATBALLS IT WOULD KICK ASS.
We’re talking rebel angels, cast down into Hell itself, with badass names like Lucifer, Beelzebub, and Azazel. We’re talking armies ten-thousand strong made up of crazy omnipotent beings flying around throwing spears and shit. We’re talking the ultimate battle between good versus evil. And of course… the creme de la creme…
WE’RE TALKING RON PEARLMAN LITERALLY PLAYING GOD, BABY!
Need I say more?
Guillermo del Toro’s, EVANGELION.
It has been 20 years since the final battle with the last of the Angels. Cities have been rebuilt, the Eva’s retired to a secret NERV holding facility and life has gone on as normally as one could hope. Shinji, Rei and Asuka have all gone their separate ways down very different paths than those they once walked, and after 2 decades of tranquility, something strange has begun happening.
The Eva units that have lain dormant for 2 decades begin to power up again mysteriously and without warning. The technicians in charge of overseeing the units have no explanations and can’t seem to figure out what’s happening. While this mysterious reactivation is occurring, continents away in a small nondescript room with only a nameplate on the door reading “Ayanami”, a girl who hasn’t spoke in 20 years begins to whisper “Its time…”.
Guillermo del Toro brings the world of Evangelion alive again 20 years after the last great battle with the Angels, and shows us the consequences of what happens when you send children to battle demons whose only mission is ending the world…and what the weight of that decision has cost.
Rinko Kikuchi as Rei Ayanami
John Cho as Shinji Ikari
Bryce Dallas Howard as Asuka Langley
Robert De Niro as Gendo Ikari
“EVANGELION: The Dream Has Ended, The Nightmare Begun”
Look, Guillermo, giant robots are nice and all, but Ron Perlman ain’t getting any younger. Just give me Hellboy 3. Here’s a blank check. Give me the motherf***ing apocalypse: Great Old Ones, Book of Revelation, Ragnarok, giant three eyed mutant fetuses… whatever. Just make sure Ron Perlman is there to punch it in the face and shoot it with a big gun.
somewhere in a grainy black and white cell, an old, drunk figure in a straight jacket yells ‘whose responsible this’ then slips a cup filled with severed testicles and dies. this is followed by a video clip put together by a bunch of future!youtube geeks, the video is a clip show type montage showing the late rob bricken’s life and times as a small time geek blogger to his rise and eventual fall as a big time big name commentator and media mogul. the team, though, is baffled by the man’s final words and one of them decides to investigate what robert bricken’s last words were. he interviews LYT, who is now quite mad himself, and gives clues about an old long forgotten blogsite that now only exists a somebody’s fanpage but that a complete backup might yet exist on a harddrive from one of the site’s regulars. this intrepid investigator digs deeper, along the way encountering all sorts of weird and demented topless robot regulars, all of them with stories about the site’s heyday. they also point to a mysterious and enigmatic prof. evilbadguy who may have been rob or not and who may have a complete archive of the site saved somewhere. eventually this investigator becomes paranoid and delusional as well as curiously aroused the closer he gets to his elusive prof. eventually he comes to the conclusion that the prof does not exist and that maybe the whole topless robot thing also never existed either, and that it was all just a huge internet hallucination. and that maybe humanity was done a service by having it disappear. at the end the video team meets at the site that used to be rob bricken’s apartment as stuff is being put into the trash. they all say that whoseresponsiblethis is a riddle that’ll never be solved and they leave just as a manuscript, penned by brickhousebunny21 is thrust into the compactor.
we’ll call this flick “alias shakespearehemingway”
This is easy. I say, “Guillermo, come up with something original. I will get you the actors you want and all the money and equipment you need and will market the hell out of it.” His imagination is so fertile and I’m so sick of adaptations, remakes and super-heroes, I would want him to have control of the project to come up with something new.
Pan’s Labyrinth? New and original
Pacific Rim? New and original
He does a great job with existing properties, but I want new, original and excellent films. del Toro has proven he can do that: I say let him.
The winner is on the next page…
It’s doug.glassman, for pitching his own existing fanfic script in which he would cast Peter Cullen as a Predator. Because if you’re going to dream about no financial or creative limits, and get Guillermo to do whatever you want – that’s kind of the ultimate exercise of that power.
I’ve been working on a spec script adapting the “Aliens Vs. Predators” comic “Eternal”, and GdT would make an awesome director for it. My version makes it simply a “Predator” film, since the Xenomorphs basically do nothing in the original comic and because the “AVP” film license is sort of toxic at the moment.
If you’ve never read “Eternal”, do it NOW. It’s by Ian Edginton with art by Alex Maleev, and you can find it in the first AVP omnibus if you can’t find the out of print individual trade. It takes place in the near-future with a hot reporter who discovers a madman trying to capture Predators for his own reason. It brings in the craziest element of Predator lore I’ve ever seen: if you eat Predator flesh, you become immortal. (Of course, the reason we’ve never known this in other comics is because no one thinks to stop and eat a dead Predator; they’re usually on the run from either other Predators or Xenomorphs.)
“Predator: Eternal” would star Jennifer Lawrence as Becka McBride, Daniel Dae Kim (overdubbed with James Wong’s voice) as Gideon Suhn Lee, Ron Perlman as Becka’s snarky producer who gets sucked into the whole thing along with her (a character not in the book, but Perlman had to get in there somehow), Doug Jones as at least one of the Predators, and Peter Cullen as the voice of the Predators.