Every mental stereotype you ever may have had about German cinema – prepare to have reinforced. That thing with the fangs, above? It’s a critter that makes its living on a tiny part of the nether regions, as seen in the movie Wetlands, which is currently playing Sundance. As you may have deduced, these “wetlands” are not environmentally protected wildlife preserves. In the first three minutes of the film, we get a skateboarding girl telling us about her hemmorrhoids, descending into the nastiest public restroom ever and trying to ease her anal pain, after which the camera zooms in one of her hairs, and, well, there be monsters to give Bad Milo a run for his money.
I haven’t seen more than that, but based on the festival description, it gets “better”…
Bodily fluid-obsessed teenager Helen describes herself as a living pussy hygiene experiment. After an intimate shaving accident, she ends up stuck in the hospital, where she skateboards through the halls and reminisces about her culinary masturbation experiments, the seductive powers of her unwashed scent, and used-tampon swapping with her equally uninhibited best friend, Corinna. All the while, she charms a handsome male nurse with her nasty sex talk and schemes to reunite her mismatched parents.
Congrats, ladies – you have among you now one as foul as any dude. Now, the only question is…wanna see some footage?