Michael Keaton: “HE’S GONNA SUCK!”
Heath Ledger: “HE’S GONNA SUCK!”
Daniel Craig: “HE’S GONNA SUCK!”
Peter Capaldi: “HE’S GONNA SUCK!”
Every single person cast in Batman vs. Superman: “HE’S GONNA SUCK!”
As you can see, nerd outrage is an inexact science at best. And yet here we are, getting angrier and angrier with every announcement as to who plays who in Man of Steel 2: Steeler and Steelerer.
Ben Affleck — the Gigli guy – is Batman. Jeremy Irons, a psychotic murderous terrorist lion, is Alfred. Jessie Eisenberg, a bushy-haired kid best known for playing the freakin’ Facebook guy, is Lex goddamned Luthor. And Gal Gadot becomes Wonder Woman after a few Fast and Furious films and nothing else. In many ways, this seems less like a movie, and more like a scientific experiment to learn just how quickly millions of dorky brains can explode into a mass of goo the size of the Pacific. And you know what? They totally should. At this point, DC should just fuel the hate, and assemble the most unlikable cast imaginable. Every role should be played by somebody that Outraged Nerd Inc. will immediately proclaim doesn’t “fit the part,” but who could theoretically turn in an awesome performance and prove ONI wrong yet again. Might we suggest …
8. The Flash, Played by Robert Pattinson
Yes, that is Edward from Twilight we’re suggesting for the role of the Flash. And if the scriptwriters don’t include Flash (we’re just assuming this thing is a glorified Justice League party,) then they can probably fit ‘ol Sparkles elsewhere. As long as he gets camera time, Operation Piss Off The Nerds will be a successful one.
But people who only see Pattinson as a mopey vampire sell the dude short. He can act, as seen in films like Little Ashes (his playing of Salvador Dali as an actual human being and not a wackaloon cariacture deserves all the awards.) He did Twilight almost entirely because he was young and needed the money, though getting to hit on the cute girl playing his love interest didn’t hurt either. Dismissing him as a legitimate actor because Twilight sucks is like saying the Rolling Stones are a shitty band because they sang about Rice Krispies before making it big.
Besides, Pattinson has nerd cred – or did anyway. Remember, he was Cedric Diggory in one of the Harry Potter movies, and his role was very well-received for reasons other than “he died.” We like to think that, as The Flash, he’d be well on his way to earning that cred back. Unless Zack Snyder makes him all glittery, which we would not put past him.
7. Aquaman, Played by Matt Damon
Unlike Pattinson, the anger that Damon would inspire is less about the actor himself, and more for what it would signify. After all, why would Damon get any role in this flick, other than to make his bestest buddy Ben Affleck happy? They’ll fight crime together and then go out for a beer together; doesn’t that sound super?
Of course, amidst all the vitriol and charges of favoritism would be the forgotten fact that, well, we like Matt Damon. He seems like a very decent guy, and he’s an awesome actor. Sure he’s never played a superhero before, but neither did a lot of people who turned out to be great at it.
He has, however, played a kick-ass action hero before, that being Jason Bourne. If those films’ horribly shaky camera didn’t make you throw up forever and ever, you’d have realized that he was totally believable in the role, and could easily bring that same energy to a role where he kicks ass in spandex and summons sharks to eat his enemies.
Just don’t expect Epic Beard Aquaman if Warner ends up actually listening to us. Damon has admitted that he sucks at growing beards, so it sounds like we’d have to settle for a clean-shaven underwater hero. Try not to weep too much.
6. Bizarro, Played by The Rock
Outside of the wrestling ring, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s fanbase consists mainly of jocks who aspire to be a walking slab of muscle and meat just like him, women who drool over his skyscraper-size smile, and the one or two sad children out there who actually liked The Tooth Fairy. So to give him a coveted role in a nerd flick, even a role like Bizarro, would be utter blasphemy, right?
Wrong. For one thing, that walking slab of meat and muscle is the perfect size to play Bizarro. But more important is that Rock might actually be the biggest, strongest nerd around. Ever seen his Hulk Halloween costume?
Don’t dismiss the makeup job because he’s rich. Plenty of rich people half-ass their Halloween costumes; the fact that he didn’t proves he’s a Hulk fan and wanted to do him justice.
If that’s not enough, he openly stated he wants to be in the new Star Wars movie. This guy could have almost any movie he wants, so to explicitly request Star Wars means he truly, madly, deeply cares about the franchise. Sounds more and more like one of us, right?
And what of Superman, you ask? Here, eat this clip from Saturday Night Live and tell us how it tastes.
He gets Superman, and how silly the concept ultimately is. Rock could easily fit in at Comic Con (and probably bench-press a dozen cosplayers at once,) and his WWF/WWE and Disney runs show he also gets comedy, and has no issue with acting stupid for a role. Since Bizarro am ultimately a moron, why not smell what Super Rock is cookin’?
5. The Joker, Played by Johnny Depp
Casting anybody as Joker would piss off many a fan. Heath Ledger is still too fresh, a re-imagining would be disrespectful, yada yada yada. They forget that the second Batman shows up and there’s no Joker, they would cry bloody murder. That’s why they stuck the Joker teaser at the end of Batman Begins: so people would know the clown’s coming and that they shouldn’t burn down the theater in protest.
You need the Joker, if only for a little while. But Johnny Depp? That would be, to many people, the ultimate cop-out. “Let’s hire Hollywood’s official quirky weird dude, because clearly it still works kinda. Now let’s all snort coke WHEEEEEEEE.”
Depp would likely play a more traditional Joker, perhaps in line with his Willy Wonka. He would be less grungy and anarchic than Ledger, but not nearly as corny as Cesar Romero. He’d basically be a young Jack Nicholson, only less likely to fuck off work in favor of an important basketball game.
And honestly, if Joker’s only going to score a supporting villain role, this is probably the best possible route. Why waste a brand-new take on the character if he’s only going to exist for a few minutes? Depp would be a one-night-stand Joker — perfectly serviceable for the time being, but nothing you’d want to keep around for the long-term.
Oh, and if he demands they cast Helena Bonham Carter as Batgirl, they need to let it happen. They can easily edit her ass out in post-production.
4. Harley Quinn, Played by Melissa Rauch
Don’t recognize the name? She’s the squeaky-voiced girl from The Big Bang Theory. Here are a bunch of clips to help you put two and two together. PREPARE YOURSELVES.
By now, it’s almost a law that “true” nerds hate Big Bang Theory, so to have one of its stars play a character as beloved as Harley? It would probably be the end of the world. Not just Nerd World, but World World. We would blow it up, because death and darkness is preferable to anybody associated with BAZINGA getting the role of a lifetime.
The only problem with such rage is that she could totally pull it off. What are the three things we think about with Harley? She’s cute and bubbly, her voice is high-pitched and squeaky, and she’s murderously psychotic in an adorably quirky way.
Rauch’s Big Bang voice is basically Harley, so that’s one trait down. Is she cute and bubbly? Clearly. And as far as being psycho, anybody who’s seen her in True Blood knows she can play a quirky nutto perfectly. Combine those crazy eyes with her Big Bang voice, slip her into a jester outfit, teach her how to fire a gun, and you’ve got yourself the perfect Harley.
Well, as long as they change the character’s real name anyways. Harleen Quinzel? A five-year-old could have drafted something better.
3. Green Lantern, Played by Jon Stewart
This one’s semi-cheating, since everybody loves Jon Stewart. But here’s the rub – he wouldn’t be playing the John Stewart Green Lantern. That would be too easy, not to mention more than a little racist. He can be any other Lantern though, and the in-joke should remain safe.
Smart money says he’d play Hal Jordan, though knowing Jon’s sense of humor, he’d probably want to play B’dg instead.
2. Mr. Mxyzptlk, Played by Verne Troyer (Mini-Me)
Whether DC listens to us or not (and why wouldn’t they?) this is going to be a weird friggin’ flick, and hopefully about as serious as a pillow fight. If so, then Mix Yes Spit Lick should get at least a cameo, long enough for a hero or two to trick him into saying his name backwards and sending him on his way.
Look, it doesn’t matter that Mxy is technically strong enough to kill every superhero he meets – he’s a goofy character and should be portrayed in a goofy way. Of course, since many of us grew up with Gilbert Gottfried as “our” Mxy, getting anybody else to play him would seem pointless. At least, it would until you realize that every time they cast a live-action Mxy, it comes off as awkward and wrong. Mxy is meant to be an annoying little imp and, since Gottfried is just a tad too tall for imp status, back to narrating Aristocrats auditions he goes!
For the sake of this movie, and because the whole point is to troll easily trollable nerds, why not give the slot to Mini-Me? He’s certainly got the size factor down, and can play a decent-enough imp, if his World of Warcraft commercial is any indication.
And to anybody who hates the idea because they got sick of Austin Powers years ago: first, congratulations on reacting to those stupid movies like a normal, rational human being should. Secondly, who else is there? Warwick Davis? Hornswoggle? Tom Cruise? As much as you may hate him and find him overexposed, Verne Troyer is the Mxy we need.
1. Robin, Played by Dakota Fanning (Or Any Woman, Really)
Robin photo by Joe Newman
If this happened, and nerds got pissed off about it, the reasoning would not be, “It should’ve been Hit-Girl instead!” No, the real reason people would rage about DC casting the Stephanie Brown version of Robin with Dakota Fanning is far more depressing than a thousand “Rock can’t be Bizarro!” petitions combined.
Fanning is unquestionably an amazing actress, and she could absolutely pull off Robin. But the sad reality is, should DC cast the character at all, regardless of actress, the immediate and visceral reaction would be every variation of EWW YUCKY GIRL ICKY COOTIES SPEWWWWW that the human tongue could physically utter. Even though Robin is rarely taken seriously regardless of who’s behind the mask, putting the costume on Fanning would send douche-chills down the spine of every douche-nerd, both on and offline.
So you know what, DC? Forget Fanning. She’s great and all, and yes we’re about to break our own “they must be able to act” rule, but pissing off sexist dork-bros deserves a little extra trolling. Cast one of the Olsen Twins for all we care (the other can be Catwoman if she likes.) What’s Chyna up to these days (besides porn?) Maybe Kate Upton would like a turn with the cape and tiny mask that doesn’t realistically hide anybody’s identity.
Or here’s an idea – Beyonce. Not only does she ooze charisma and have actual acting experience (in an Austin Powers flick, but we won’t hold that against her,) a black female Robin would be like laying out a hundred rat traps laced with poisonous peanut butter and barbed-wire snappers. You’ll never suffer a douche-nerd infestation ever again.
Previously By Jason Iannone: