It is a tumultuous time for Star Wars fans. Disney agents, striking from their hidden base, have finally released a cast list for the next entry in the Star Wars Saga.
During the press release, millions of fanboys flocked onto the Interwebz, to sites like IMDB and Wikipedia, to download the secret dossiers of the relatively unknown cast.
Disney, looking to distance themselves from GEORGE LUCAS, releases their ultimate weapon, J.J. ABRAMS, a writer capable of annihilating over 20 years of Expanded Universe content with a single stroke of a key.
TOPLESS ROBOT, never too good for a joke at someone else’s expense, immediately set to work, trying to determine which roles these custodians of fandom would inhabit. Can this new generation of actors remove the stain left by Jar-Jar Binks and the rest of the prequel trilogy…
Or are they just jerking off?
1. Carrie Fisher as Leia Organa
Much has changed for the princess, who has not received her story book ending. She’s lost much; her husband is estranged, her former lover dead, and she can’t give up on the forbidden love that fills her heart. She’s a prominent member of the New Republic government, though her secrets are beginning to catch up to her; secrets that will have consequences throughout the galaxy.
2. Harrison Ford as Han Solo
Solo has suffered much in his life between the infidelity of his wife and the end of the most hearwarming interspecies bromance of all time. As his marriage and friendship dissolved, he once again took to the stars with his new engineer Keenser, before a strange gravitational anomaly forced the Falcon to crash on a small island on a strange, uncharted world.
He learns he is stranded on an ancient world called Dharma, a world that holds the balance of the universe in its grasp. He learns the truth of the new evil threatening the galaxy, but before he can leave Dharma, he must stop the mysterious forces the planet holds, contained only by a set of strange numbers.
3. Oscar Isaac as Young Han Solo
While stranded on planet Dharma, Han Solo has nothing but time to think. Utilizing the power of the Abrams Flashback, Solo remember simpler times as a cadet in the Imperial Academy. The mystical properties of the planet allow him to travel in time and meet his younger self (played by Issac). The two Solos devise a plan in which they can rewrite all of history by killing a single boy: Anakin Skywalker.
4. Andy Serkis as Greedo Jr.
Greedo Jr. grew up with the dark stain of treachery on his family name. Word traveled fast in the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is Mos Eisley that the elder Greedo broke a cardinal rule of bounty hunting by attempting to shoot Han Solo at a cantina table. Greedo Jr, determined to clean his family name and take revenge on Solo, has spent the better part of thirty years pursuing the truth, and the head of Solo. Unbeknownst to the estranged Solo, Greedo Jr. is responsible for the maiming of Chewbacca.
As the galactic threat emerges, Greedo Jr. has finally picked up on Solo’s trail, and the wayward smuggler will not only have to contend with the reborn Sith, but also a bounty hunter not interested in freezing him in carbonite.
5. Kenny Baker as Keenser nar Overcross
When the Solo family split up, Chewbacca’s dedication to the children led him to part ways with Life-Debt partner Han to act as bodyguard to Leia and her younglings. Han, shattered by the revelations of his wife’s infidelity, decided to return to his smuggling ways, along the way picking up a new side kick. Keenser nar Overcross is the new engineer of the Millennium Falcon, a stark contrast from the eight foot tall Wookie who used to keep the ship going; that is until it vanished.
In a startling casting move, Kenny Baker will not be reprising his role as R2-D2 who will
be replaced once and for all with CGI. Instead, Baker will don the little green alien costume previous filled by Deep Roy in the last two Star Trek films. While this change in roles seems drastic, this officially locks open the door between the Trek and Wars universes, first hinted at when R2-D2 appeared as a piece of Enterprise debris.
6. Peter Mayhew as Mecha-Chewbacca
Disney, inspired by the popularity of the Patton Oswald Star Wars Filibuster, traded the rights to the comedian’s Spider Chewbacca for a two episode guest stint on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Like in Oswald’s story, Chewbacca, maimed by Greedo Jr., is alive only thanks to technology, his head mounted on robotic chassis.
He is eternally devoted to the Solo children, which is ironic considering that none of the children with the Solo surname are actually spawned from the smuggler, and has sworn revenge against Darth Angst whom he believes killed Jacob. That devotion will be tested to the limit when he finally encounters the Sith.
7. Adam Driver as Darth Angst/Jacob Solo/Jacob Skywalker
The product of a forbidden, Targaryen-style romance between the two most powerful Jedi in the universe, Jacob Solo was brought up believing that his father was instead Han Solo. A powerful Jedi, he was the most gifted student Master Skywalker ever trained, never knowing his true origins. A mission to hunt down the evil Sith Lord Darth Ming along with his mother led to the truth being revealed to him and his defection to the Dark Side, adopting the name Darth Angst.
He attempted to kill his mother out of rage, eventually getting defeated and maimed by his mother. Leia returned to the Jedi temple alone, keeping the truth hidden from both Jacob’s biological and adoptive fathers, instead telling the story of their son’s death at the hands of Darth Angst. The new Sith apprentice, gravely injured by his mother, is encased in his grandfather’s armor which was apparently fireproof.
The following is a leaked scene from the Episode VII script:
MASTER SKYWALKER HAS FINALLY FOUND DARTH ANGST. A SHUDDER MOVES THROUGH HIM AS HE RECOGNIZES HIS FATHER’S ARMOR ON THE SITH LORD. THEY FIGHT, CULMINATING IN LUKE LOSING HIS LEFT HAND THIS TIME.
ANGST: Leia never told you what happened to your son.
LUKE: She told me enough! She told me you killed him!
ANGST: No…I…am your son!
LUKE: No….that’s not true…that’s IMPOSSIBLE…and vaguely familiar.
8. Domhnall Gleeson as Edward Solo/Calrissian
The black sheep of the Solo family, Edward Solo is at a crossroads. While his mother and uncle encourage him to join the Jedi Order, his “uncle” Lando left him his Slusho franchise of liquid-meal fast food restaurants, and the lure of fast food and faster women is more tempting to the youth than the Dark Side.
While he is strong in the Force, he is equally stronger in business thanks to his ability to influence weak minds combined with the business sense of his true father. Leia, devastated by the loss of her son, fell into the arms of the galaxy’s most successful entrepreneur and family friend: Lando Calrissian.
Edward accepts his destiny just as conflict erupts across the galaxy, but rather than taking up the lightsaber, he uses his legal and clandestine business sources to provide the necessary infrastructure to the Republic, an action which attracts the attention of the Sith, and his half-brother Darth Angst.
9. Max Von Sydow as Darth Ming
Cast aside by Darth Sidious, Ming traveled the universe, seeking out the lost mysteries of the Sith. While Palpatine was corrupting governments and waging wars, Ming learned incredible lost powers, including the blinding ability of the Lens Flare. Ming rallies the forces of evil across the universe in an effort to once again wipe out the Jedi and corrupt the remaining into accepting the ways of the Sith, but even he knows the only way to destroy the Jedi is to destroy Skywalker, and he knows the only one capable to do so is Skywalker’s own son.
10. Anthony Daniels as C-3P0 (Along With Mitchell Hope, Cameron Boyce, Cole Sprouse and CeeLo Green)
C-3P0 will once again provide the voice of reason and translation to the heroes of the New Republic. With his voice damaged in an accident, Disney casting agents (in an effort to cross promote) will have several of their young male stars as well as recording star CeeLo Green vocalize the protocol droid. Additionally, 3P0 will gain a new ability, providing several musical and dance numbers to lighten the tone of the film in darker times and ensure large numbers of album sales to tweens.
11. Mark Hamill as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker
The hero of the first Star Wars trilogy is troubled. The stress of rebuilding the Jedi order is daunting, and the Sith threat is always in his thoughts, especially after the death of his son. As war engulfs the galaxy, Skywalker will have to face down the only enemies more terrifying than his father: his son, and the millions of fans who thought his portrayal of the Joker was inferior to Heath Ledger’s. I mean, come on…Heath Ledger played the Joker once. Mark Hamill was the Joker for twenty bloody years through multiple series, video games, movies, toys, the works.
11. John Boyega as Field and Daisy Ridley as Clover
This two-being team is the most powerful weapon in the Jedi arsenal. Clover, a two-hundred twenty foot lizard creature, has the intelligence of a womp rat, while Field is super intelligent yet extremely weak. When called upon to do battle, Clover inserts Field into his ear giving her direct access to Field’s intelligence while granting him her strength. The combined force, Cloverfield, can rain destruction on Sith forces. They carry a lightsaber the size of a submarine, and will be seen in combat cleaving an Imperial Star Destroyer in half with a single swing.
The downside to this monstrous team is fatigue. Field and Clover can only be combined for a total of forty-seven minutes before the exertion kills them both. They are a weapon of Jedi last resort sure to sell a multitude of action figures.
Previously by Jason Helton