When I asked you to imagine what the most Michael Bay moment in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie would be, I expected that at least one entry would actually nail something that happens in the film itself. And indeed, some of you got very, very close, with the winner being almost dead-on.
Note: the Turtle Kong shirt/box/stickers/gooze set is made to order, so it will not be shipping until next month. But we can announce who’ll be getting it.
First, though, honorable mentions…
At the film’s climax, when Shredder seemingly has the upper hand, all four turtles slowly stand up from the brink of defeat as a camera makes a low-angle 360-degree tracking shot of them. The camera stops on Raphael’s face as he murmurs, “Shell just got real!”
The Mousers show up. They are voiced by Steve Buscemi and hump each other.
[Would have improved the movie – LYT]
Megan Fox explodes into a pile of tits while Will Arnett drinks a Mountain Dew as Linkin Park plays on the soundtrack
[Actually, the movie plugs the shit out of Crush soda, which is depicted as Mikey’s favorite drink – LYT]
splinter is a mikie roony-esque yellow-face actor who does a thoroughly racist japanese performance. the turtles fart explosions after they eat pepperoni deep dish for the first time; there after using said explosive farts is referred to as ‘deep-dishing’ in the movie
April walks in on Donatello bent over in the corner and making that turtle orgasm noise. It’s funny because nerds are lonely and masturbate.
The turtle van has broken down on the side of the rode. Donatello starts looking over the engine to see what could be wrong when April approaches.
“Let me take a look. When I was a little girl my dad used to work on turtle vans like this one and I used to hang out in the garage with him.”
Michelangelo joins the two, he says nothing but farts for no fucking reason at all. Then turns and leaves.
Seemingly out of nowhere, two of Shredder’s blades pierce the side of the turtle van causing it to explode for some reason.
Shredder steps out of the smoke.
“You turtres have dishonored me. Very bad karma for you. Must spank you!” he says in a thick accent
“Nuts to this. I am going to kick this jerks damn hell ass,” Raphael yells as he attacks.
The next scene April is alone.
“We need help. Shredder has captured all the turtles and plans on killing them,” April radioing for help.
“When the fuck did that happen?” Everyone in the theater says.
Right before unleashing mind-control nanites into the nation’s sushi supply, the Shredder reveals that he was responsible for the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. (It’s unclear whether this Shredder is a geriatric Oroku Saki or a whitewashed Eric Sachs. Not because Bay is trying to make a statement on history/politics/terrorism/propaganda, but because it was incoherently edited together from various reshoots.) So the turtles take turns dick slapping him at superhuman speeds (Google turtle penises now!) whilst shouting ebonics until the Shredder explodes. While April seductively cleans her camera equipment, she explains that she can’t love the turtles because cowardly ninjitsu is antithetical to wholesome American life. So the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles enlist in the US Army to become Adult Mutant Hero Turtles. Before an elated April can reveal which one of them she’s madly smitten with, her parents arrive for embarrassingly hoary shennanigans. Rather than being a quick closing joke, Bay supersizes Mr. & Mrs. O’Neil’s hackneyed antics for a protracted 45 minutes. And that’s why Michael Bay is the greatest American auteur, living or deceased!
[You’re not as far off as you probably thought you’d be – LYT]
And the winner, whom I’ll name after the jump just in case you don’t want to see the accidental spoiler – because the entry is 95% accurate to the movie – is…
After a one-sided fight, in which Shredder hands all four turtles their shell-covered butts, we are treated to a flashback training sequence of Splinter imparting proverbial wisdom to the turtles. Bolstered by their somehow spontaneously shared memory, the turtles rise up in slow motion and perform a highly ridiculous, yet for some reason very effective, team-up maneuver resulting in a single, well-placed kick to Shredder’s chest. Shredder then explodes in a mammoth fireball which the turtles barely manage to escape (after stopping to rescue April) by jumping out of window on the fifth floor. None of the turtles or April are harmed in the landing, and receive closeups as they lay in the grass looking up at the building as the entire thing blows up from the apparently high explosives packed chest cavity of Shredder
Congratulations, Greychild, you should work in Hollywood. Email me your address.
I’ll be notifying the winners of the ioS game codes by email, rather than in a separate post.