Fast Food Review: Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights

Cap’n Crunch Delights are what I imagine fairy testicles to be like. They’re rainbow colored, slightly strawberry flavored, and when you put them all the way in your mouth, warm white liquid squirts everywhere.

Look at the picture above and tell me I’m reaching.

Cap’n Crunch as an ingredient isn’t quite the shocker most people are making it out to be – back in the early ’90s, Planet Hollywood made chicken tenders breaded with the mouth-shredding cereal, and it worked pretty well, though to a savory (rather than sweet) end.

Maybe it’s the fact that Crunch Berries are being used by Taco Bell that’s the big deal. But basically, these are little donuts. If you like little, warm donuts, you’ll like these. The dusting of cereal on the outside is mainly superficial, but the familiar fake strawberry flavor is thoroughly imbued in the dough.

The filling is a bit of a letdown, though. Here’s how Taco Bell shows it in ads:

Now look again at the top picture. It’s more like somebody hocked a loogie into the thing, though the consistency is much thinner; closer to the milk that’s advertised as being the flavor. A quick squirt happens, and then the rest of the donut, er, DELIGHT, is dry. Which would be fine if they hadn’t set you up to expect more.

The Delights come in sets of two, four, or twelve. Four seems about right. I will say that this was my first visit to Taco Bell in ages that didn’t end in, er, the border making a run through me, and I had a full-on first course before the Delights, so maybe they also have a palliative effect. It’s not like Taco Bell would voluntarily advertise that if they did, sorta like Jack in the Box with their stoner-themed items, so it’s up to me to let you know the possibility exists.

Now bread some chicken with this shit, guys. Proven track record there.