?When we think of Tim and Eric, Awesome Show, Great Job!, we think of late-night programming, including absurd infomercials, Dr. Steve Brule and Richard Dunn (R.I.P.) – but most importantly, those lovely Cinco products. Many of these innovations are endorsed by celebs such as Rainn Wilson and Alan Thicke, spokesmen for Number-laden books and diarrhea-inducing apples, respectively.
With these exciting products, one can surf the Innernette, or watch Little Danson Man, or listen to Josh Groban paying homage to Casey Tatum. We could hype them all, but in today’s list we give you eight Cinco products that no one should pass up — ever.
8) It’s Not Jackie Chan
Celebrating “100 Years of Jackie Chan,” Cinco advertised this exciting board game, in which the contestants think of, well, things that ARE NOT the the aforementioned actor. ” Toothpaste, pizza … Jackie Chan. Ah, crap!” It’s actually pretty hard, friends, but the most rewarding part of the game is the torturous buzzer.
7) Privacy Helmet
Ah, getting laid – it’s tough with a roomie around. But with the Cinco Privacy Helmet in your household (or dorm), you can do just that, while the extra company enjoys atonal music and blinding mace. It’s the perfect technological product for men, and even better for those bulking up with the Cinco Man Shake. You have a tuft of pubic hair for that, yeah?
6) Eye Tanning System
Summertime, summer tans… raccoon eyes. There’s nothing less attractive than the latter, and with the eye tanning system, you’re not only catching great rays, but also a set of pearly whites. And, guys, while you’re undergoing this painless procedure, ask about the related Cinco Bro-oche, sexier than a golden grill.
Take it from Dr. Alan Thicke: The Cinco Napple helps the fight against the common cold and constipation. Easy. Besides a pair of D-pants, a decent companion might be the Cinco Sleepwatching Chair for your friends – you know, in case you have a nightmare about bears before the apple’s bowel irritant kicks in.
4) Face-Time Party Snoozer
Great for family reunions, graduation parties, wedding showers and the like, the Face-Time Party Snoozer makes small talk effortless with its voiced responses from the legendary Romm Oah Denmirk. Think of all the possibilities here: We’d love to see Work and Bedroom editions complete with replies like “touch base” and “touch me.”
Let’s face it: Public bathrooms are atrocious, and we all hate lining the seat with toilet paper when we know some soiled it 2 minutes earlier. Advertised with the Cinco Napple, D-Pants solve that problem, and they can make for more effecient roadtrips and uninterrupted movie, games and naps. As long as you have uncontrollable diarrhea, that is. Turds aren’t welcome.
2) Urinal Shower
And name a better product for the business types. Enjoy a unique vertical showering experience with Cinco Urinal Shower, something you can use almost anywhere. We’re convinced Barnes and Noble or your local mall wouldn’t mind cleaning up the soapy puddles, or the D-Pants stains you didn’t catch. In fact, they should advertise this innovative product, too, as an accommodation for corporate partners.
1) The Tairy Greene Machine
Your new mantra: “It’s gotta be in the machine.” When you buy this outstanding movie player, you’re getting Tairy Greene’s expansive collection, including the inspirational Little Dancing Man, a real tear-jerker where one amazing man recaptures his talent after a tragic accident. This is not to be confused with Little Danson Man, which is equally brilliant, thanks to Davis Cross’ cameo.