Yes, readers. I’m guilty. Guilty. Is that what you want to hear?
You admit you poisoned the king?
No. Of that I’m innocent. I’m guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I’m guilty of being a toy collector.
You’re not on trial for being a toy collector.
Oh? Yes I am. I’ve been on trial for that my entire life.
Have you nothing to say in your defense?
Nothing but this: I did not do it. I did not preorder this Tyrion Lannister action figure yet but I wish that I had! Watching this kind of craftsmanship on display gives me more relief than a thousand lying whores! I wish I was the mad consumer you think I am. I wish I had enough money for the whole gamut of sixth-scale toys. I would gladly give my salary to watch you all buy me these. …But I will not give my money for a $130 preorder and I know I’ll get no justice here. So I will let the Gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat.
[Reader punches me]
[I fall down]