For those of you to whom even the tiniest bit of information beyond “is it good?” will be anathema, there is a page break below. Use it at your own discretion.
If you want an absolutely spoiler-free review, I have one of those too. Ready?
Here it is:
STAR WARS. FUCK YEAH.
Would you like to know more?
In a rare request, Disney has explicitly asked reviewers not to give away plot twists or spoilers. In an even rarer concession on my part, I have deemed it appropriate to keep secret some things that are mentioned in the film’s first half hour, which would usually be completely fair game.
I do feel it’s okay to tell you stuff mentioned in the opening text crawl, though (and man, does that “Episode VII” text give goosebumps). It’s kind of important if we’re to talk about things at all, even in vague ways.
If you’re up for that, onward to the next page.