John Rambo’s Solutions to 5 Everyday Office Problems

By John Frusciante

Rambo is back in theaters this Friday, and despite the fact that Sylvester Stallone is about 300 years old, we can all learn from Stallone?s and Rambo?s perseverance under pressure?whether we?re also ex-soldiers tormented about ?Nam or just mindless office drones. See, Rambo can be a guide to handling anything, including the hassles you face in the office every day. Throw away your copy of Sun Tzu and the Art of Business and take a lesson from a true master of war.

1) Rambo Loses A Dollar In the Snack Machine

Regional Account Executive John Rambo wants nothing more than his three o?clock bag of Famous Amos Cookies. But after inserting his dollar, the cookies don?t make it all the way out. Emotionlessly, Rambo barricades the door to the break room, makes camp and lets the machine sweat fear for the night. In the early morning hours, he pries open the plastic front of the machine open with his hunting knife, removes the cookies, and topples the vending machine over as a warning about what happens when you double-cross a hard-working employee like Rambo.

2) Rambo Gets a Poor Performance Review

Despite hard work on Rambo?s part, sales are down and the result is a poor performance review from his manager. The negativity triggers his memories of being a POW. Rambo?s snatches the review sheet out of his manager?s hands, shoves it onto an arrow, lights it, and fires it from the office, through the window, and into the boss?s new convertible. The car explodes with a fireball three-stories tall. As the car burns, Rambo mumbles to no one in particular, ?I always like to take ownership of my work.? But Rambo will never get over the guilt he feels for living when so many of his friends died in ?Nam.

3) The Office Copier Runs Out of Toner

Rambo has to make ten copies of a report for the weekly account review, but discovers the copier is out of toner?worse, the office manager forgot to order more toner, which will likely result in a passive-aggressive dressing down from his boss. Rambo returns to his cubicle, takes out the bullets he stores next to his post-its, and cuts them open with his knife. He collects the gunpowder and mixes it with the ink from his pens. Once he has enough fluid, he pours the mixture into the empty toner cartridge, and begins copying, without even creasing his business-casual camouflage pants.

4) Rambo Learns His Company is Hiding POWs

Looking for paper clips, Rambo opens what seems to be a storage closet only to find a secret compartment where his company has been secretly keeping Vietnam prisoners of war. Rambo doesn?t need his Outlook Calendar to remind him how to kick ass?he wraps his tie around his head, grabs the M-60 from behind his ?Hang In There!? kitten poster, dives into that supply closet and executes the guards with ruthless efficiency. He frees the POWs, providing covering fire until every one leaves the office park safely. Then, Rambo strides into the office of the executive who held them, leaving a ?present? of C4 explosives underneath his desk.

5) Someone Eats Rambo?s Lunch

Rambo doesn?t just put his name on his lunch bag because he needs practice writing it. But when some intern (accidentally?) eats his roast beef sandwich Rambo vows revenge. He crawls up into the ceiling from his office chair, and makes his way into the air ducts. He crawls slowly and silently, through the ducts to the area above the intern?s cubicle. He waits patiently for three days until the intern is momentarily alone in the room, during a conference meeting for salaried employees. Rambo quietly removes the ceiling tile, bends down, and breaks the intern?s neck without making a sound. After returning to his desk, Rambo hits the fridge to take the intern?s lunch, which is unfortunately a Lunchable.