By Jason Arango
Now that you?ve seen the 17 worst shots ever created, Topless Robot decided our week-long St. Paddy?s Day celebration was the perfect time to debut a companion piece taking a look at the absolute wimpiest drinks that no self respecting man should ever order. Shots are manly in nature; they’re meant to get you drunk and fast. They are not supposed to be tasty, cute, or even painless?they are supposed to fuck you up. The 12 “shots” below are wussy enough to make even the manliest man go from looking like Arnold in Predator to the knocked up little girl you saw in Junior. Get yourself a shot of tequila or Jameson’s, and learn what not to order the next time you hit the bars.
12) Lemon Drop
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Vodka, 1/2 oz Lemon Juice, and a sugar cube
Better done as a shot than as an exceptionally girly martini, but any shot that gives you a sugar cube is pretty high on the sissy scale. It’s the shot we’d give children if we wanted to get them drunk.
11) Chocolate Cake
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Frangelico, 1/2 oz Vodka
Praise for this drink ranges from ?It tastes just like a chocolate cake? to ?They go down so smooth,? but that doesn?t change the fact that any booze that tastes like dessert reeks of weak sauce. The sugar-frosted rim is the icing on on the femmy cake.
10) Polar Bear
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Creme de Cacao, 1/2 oz Peppermint Schnapps
A shot with a name like this should be hardcore; it should be the type of shot that mauls you to death from the inside. Sadly, this falls more on the Coca Cola drinking, sled-riding side of happy polar bears than it does the side of powerful beast.
9) Washington Apple
Ingredients: 1 oz Crown Royal, 1 oz Sour Apple Pucker, splash of cranberry juice
Although whiskey is a legitimate man?s drink, this shot is immediately sullied by the addition of cranberry juice and the liquid equivalent of green jolly ranchers. Why not just dump some Sweetarts into a shot of vodka, you heathens?
8) Sweet Tight Pussy
Ingredients: 1 oz pineapple juice, 1/2 oz Midori, 1/2 oz Peach Schnapps, 1/2 oz 7-Up
Clocking in at a whopping 9% alcohol, this shot will get you buzzed at approximately the same rate as guzzling a box of CapriSuns. Unfortunately, with the shot, you don?t get the satisfaction of angrily stabbing a straw through the bottom of the container.
7) Porn Star
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Blue Curacao, 1/2 oz Sour Puss Raspberry Liquor
A cross between candy and cough syrup, this shot can also be made into a regular drink by adding 7-Up to the mix. Either way, if you?re thinking ordering yourself a shot called a Porn Star is a surefire way to make a strong impression with the ladies, you?re probably right. That impression, of course, is that you’re an enormous douchebag.
6) Banana Bomber
Ingredients: 1 oz banana liqueur, 1/2 oz Triple Sec
For anyone that ever wished they could simultaneously down a bag of Runts candy and also get a slight buzz, this drink is the perfect solution. We assume all those people are 12-years-old. For everyone older than that, it?s probably best to stay away.
5) Buttery Nipple
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Butterscotch Schnapps, 1/2 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
Barely edging out its sister shot, the Oatmeal Cookie, for a spot on the list, this drink is kind of like an alcohol-soaked candy bar. Next time you?re itching for something this sweet, just eat a goddamn Butterfinger and stop pretending you want to get drunk. Somehow, there’s a little more dignity that way.
4) Blue Balls
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Blue Curacao, 1/2 oz Malibu Coconut Rum, 1/2 oz Peach Schnapps, dash of sweet and sour mix, dash of Sprite
This tease of a shot (see what we did there) offers a fruity assault on the senses. At 21% alcohol, it packs slightly more of a punch than you?d expect, but it?s still from a collection of the wussiest of all possible liquors, and the Sprite isn’t making anything manlier.
3) Hot Apple Pie
Ingredients: 1/2 oz Sour Apple Pucker, 1/2 oz Cinnamon Schnapps
Like the Chocolate Cake, shots named after a dessert are just not hardcore. Even grandma knows well enough to make the distinction that her pies should be relegated to cooling in the window sill while she enjoys a tall pint glass of gin.
2) Pink Pussy Slam
Ingredients: 1 1/4 oz Alize Liqueur, 1/2 oz pineapple juice, splash of grenadine
The name and the shot really can?t get much fruitier. This combination of passion fruit and pineapple logs in at a pitiful 10% alcohol and seems more like the type of drink that should be served in a hollowed out coconut than a shot glass. We also defy you to find any bartender who will sell you this drink and have any shred of respect for you afterwards.
1) Blow Job
Ingredients: Shot of Amaretto topped with whipping cream
First of all, Amaretto is not a shot. Secondly, no self-respecting guy should be putting his hands behind his back and downing this shot like some sort of common whore. While it might be a fun shot to coax some girls with low self-esteem into drinking at a party, for a guy, it’s somehow slightly less gay to give an actual blow job to another dude.