The Clone Wars Article That Will Instantly Send You into a Nerd Rage

Remember how, in my review, I said Clone Wars could have been worse? Associated Press newswriter Josh Dickey has found a way for Clone Wars to be worse, but instead of offering it as a theory, he’s written a whole damn article on it, as if it were fact. I never thought I’d be defending Clone Wars, but Dickey’s article?which was picked up by Newsarama, and god only knows how many other places?makes me so fucking mad I’ve actually stopped drinking for a few moments to best articulate my rage. Dickey’s theory-presented-as-fact? That 20-year-old Anakin and 14-year-old Ahsoka have the hots for each other. From his article:

Ahsoka Tano ? who easily out-toughs even Princess Leia in her prime ? is smart, sassy and skilled with a light saber. And despite that she’s merely a teen ‘toon, Ahsoka kicks up more chemistry in a few scenes with the animated Vader-in-waiting than the real-life Natalie Portman could muster over three whole films.

To be fair, there’s nothing overt about “The Clone Wars” to indicate a relationship between Ahsoka and Anakin. But whether the filmmakers intended it or not, their mutual magnetism is a presence we haven’t felt since … well, at least going back to the push-pull of Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher.

But if you thought a smuggler hooking up with a princess was inappropriate, then there’s a reason to have a bad feeling about this:

For starters, when Anakin meets Ahsoka, she’s barely a teenager, while he’s in his early 20s. What’s more, he’s supposed to be her teacher. And finally, he’s already secretly married to Portman’s character, the aristocratic and wooden Queen Amidala.
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It’s not long before they give each other cute, jab-in-the-ribs nicknames ? he’s “Sky Guy,” she’s “Snips” (apparently for her snippy demeanor). They spend most of the film toting around a rescued infant, making veiled parenting jokes along the way. Their petty competitions devolve into mutual concern, rescue and more post-traumatic bonding.

Not since David and Maddie delicately danced the love-hate line on “Moonlighting” have two people ? or in this case, a person and a pint-sized humanoid alien known as a Togruta ? stirred up so much tension by outwardly avoiding it.

It’s hard to know where to start with such idiocy, but let’s try this: Dickey is a fucking moron. For all of Clone Wars‘ faults, a subtly implied inappropriate relationship is not one of them. There is no subtle romance in Star Wars, Mr. Dickey. Believe me, if Lucas wanted there to be a romance, Anakin would be talking about sand or some shit?that’s how you know. And while Lucas may be so insane as to include a flamboyantly homosexual Hutt, I honestly believe putting in an age-inappropriate sexual tension between the Clone Wars‘ two stars is beyond even him. That would be wrong on so many levels, most of them having to do with the movie/cartoon being for young kids. And while I’ve criticized Clone Wars for being both stupid and boring, I’ll be goddamned if I’ll let Dickey call it perverted without any evidence to support his outrageous claim.

The fact that he compares Anakin and Ahsoka to Moonlighting clearly indicates that he’s hopelessly out-of-touch, if not some kind of sociopath, because I promise you, their chemistry wasn’t that fucking good, people. No one in the prequels had good chemistry together, which was part of the damn problem.

If this were just some hack on a blog?like myself?I wouldn’t be nearly so upset. But he’s an AP newswriter, not some fan fiction hack. People are going to believe him, and that’s the worst part. You’re a lunatic, Mr. Dickey, and if you can genuinely see evidence of a romance between Anakin and Ahsoka, that’s your fucking problem, not the Clone Wars‘. Seek help. And I’m going to seek a new bottle of scotch.