The 7 People to Preemptively Kill When the Zombies Attack

By Teague Bohlen and Rob Bricken

It’s coming, people. We all know it. One day, the “vacancy” sign in hell will change over to “no vacancy,” and the planet will become one giant zombie buffet. There’s just no avoiding it.

But you can be ready. Reading the Zombie Survival Guide is absolutely your best first bet, as it teaches you the weapons, techniques and equipment necessary to avoid becoming a member of the walking dead yourself. But sadly, there’s one lesson the book seems to have overlooked — the fact that not everyone deserves to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Oh, it might sound harsh, but it’s true — not everyone’s going to make it, and if you aren’t paying attention, these idiots might drag you a flesh-eating fate worse than death right along with them. Better to put a bullet in their brains now than risk them risking your life during a crucial moment in a zombie attack. It’s called “survival of the fittest” for a reason, people — not “survival of the idiots you happened to meet while running from zombies.”

7) Young Military Personnel

Alas, we’re not joking. In far too many situations, soldiers — at least those in their late teens and early ’20s — can pose a grave a threat as zombies. Yes, they have combat skills that will likely make them the best zombie killer available, but they’re also far more likely to get emotionally unbalanced and use those killing skills against you and others. Now, since those situations occur almost inevitably after a safe haven has been found (and they have more time to think), your best bet is let them live until they secure you a base from which you can ride out the zombie invasion, including all necessary supplies. As soon as that last bit of food gets stored, shoot them in the head before they start declaring themselves kings or seizing the women. This is why the Young Military Personnel are last on our list of people to kill.

6) Sluts

I know, this goes against all male programming. (If you’re a survivor of the female persuasion, this step may come more naturally for you.) But remember: if you’re having sex, you’re not paying attention to the shambling corpse coming to eat your brains. It’s really not worth the trouble. Still, we all know that if you’re a guy, you’re totally not going to follow this rule. You’ll probably tell yourself that she’d be mighty handy at repopulation efforts later. And you’d be right, were she to make it that far, which she won’t. Save yourself the trouble and remove this potentially fatal distraction ASAP.

5) Nerds

These guys know exactly what’s happening. They’ve read World War Z; they’ve pored over The Walking Dead; they own the entire Romero collection on DVD. They’ve been waiting for this moment for a very long time. So it’s kind of pathetic that they’re still so unprepared once the dead start rising from the grave. They have no muscle tone, no genuine survival skills, and all their comic books and horror movies haven’t prepared them for the stark reality of shooting their own mother in the face with a shotgun while she tries to eat their flesh. Don’t bother.

4) Scientists

You might think a scientist will be your best chance to protect yourself from the zombie virus, or even find an antidote or cure. The scientist will certainly think so. But this is just one of the any false hopes people cling to when the dead walk the earth. There is no cure, there probably never will be, and there’s certainly not going to be a sliver of a chance to find one until civilization has been rebuilt. Scientists will only give you false hope or send you out on needlessly dangerous missions to collect zombie specimens, which can be equally deadly. There’s even a decent shot you’ll run into the scientist responsible for the plague, who will be guilt-ridden at his role in the apocalypse. If you do, just go ahead and shoot him in the head right then. Why? Because either he’s already infected, or the universal laws of irony will make sure that he gets that way at some point, and really, why not cut to the chase?

3)  Elderly Women

Having an elderly woman in your group while on the run from zombies is more or less like carrying around a sofa in the same situation — a poor idea. If anything, the elderly women makes less sense than the sofa, because the soda doesn’t need to eat, rest, or run the chance of getting bitten and not telling anyone so as not to be “a bother.”

2) Upper/Middle-class White Men

He’s probably wearing a suit, a tie and an expensive watch, and he’s used to being important. Being white and having made six or more figures prior to the plague, he feels he has a right to lead the group, despite having no useful skills or knowledge whatsoever. If he leads, he will lead you to your demise because of his stupidity, and if he doesn’t lead, he’ll just bitch and moan about it at every chance. He will be nothing but a drain on your resources and nerves, and he will sooner or later get bitten by a zombie because he’s an idiot. Consider a bullet to his brain a mercy killing, for both you and him.

1) Pregnant Women

Oh, don’t get all indignant. This is a rough world that you’ve suddenly been thrust into, you know? Face it; pregnant women are enough of a problem even without the risk of zombie infection — they can’t run very fast, they’re eating for two, and they’re going to be in need of serious health care once the baby is born, which you almost certainly don’t have. But really, it’s the zombie infection you’re most worried about, and since the pregnant woman is so at risk for infection, that means her baby is, too. Consider it an act of kindness that neither the mother nor the child has to live in the hellish world the planet has become. Besides, do you want to see a zombie baby get born? We’ve seen the Dawn of the Dead remake, and that shit is fucked up, man. And if you thought killing a zombie pregnant woman is hard, wait until that zombie baby pops out. Better safe and a horrible, horrible person than sorry.