Worst Comic Run: And the Winner Is…


A few random notes before I announce this week’s winner. First, I actually liked All-Star Batman & Robin. You’re welcome to think I’m insane — you won’t be the first — but even though it was a terrible Batman comic, I thought it was massively, massively entertaining. Also, I’m a big fan of Mark Millar’s Ultimates comics, and like all good folk, I loathe what I’ve read of Ultimates 3. The reason I think we think Ultimates 3 sucks so bad is mostly because of how good the first two were. Not that 3 wasn’t awful on it’s own, but I don’t think it compared in awfulness to this week’s winner, Evil Monkey Pope:

Chuck Austen’s run on X-Men gets a lot of flack, but it’s not the worst
run on X-Men. That distinction goes to his successor, Peter Milligan.
… His tenure was so awful it didn’t even last 2 years:

1. The X-Men find out that Christ was crucified because there was a
brain slug living under Calvary Hill, because nobody would ever be
crucified without alien meddling. Oh, alien brain slugs, you’re such
kooky scapegoats! You can even buy alien brain slug memorobilia at
Jerusalem! Wolverine magically appears aboard the Blackbird in
Antarctica even though he wasn’t on it the previous issue. Alien brain
slugs make the X-Men do crazy things, like Rogue mack on Logan cause
she’s skanky and Gambit fight a shadow since he doesn’t merit a proper
Mr. Sinister hallucination. Polaris is the only one unaffected since
she’s already insane. The X-Men have to beg NASA to let them hitch a
ride to space to kill an armada of brain slugs in ways that defie
physics. Polaris sees something mysterious in space that she won’t stop
referencing until Milligan leaves. …

2. Gambit & Rogue bitch again about not being able to touch, even
though they have crazy sex every time she loses her powers (which
wasn’t too long ago) beacuse they’re ignorant of power inhibitors and
full body condoms. A jailbait albino named FoXX sexually harrasses
Gambit. FoXX is actually Mystique. We know this because Milligan told
everyone in interviews prior to this arc starting! Mystique wants to
relieve gambit’s blue balls by sleeping with him as Rogue in order to
break them up. She claims it’s because her foster daughter desrves
better (I say she just wants some Cajun spice). Mystique’s definition
of “better” is a power-negating thief named Pulse (whom she test drove
for her daughter) whose only personality trait is cowardice. Rogue is
annoyed and breaks up with Gambit. Even if you hate the Rogue &
Gambit relationship, this is an overwrought and disrespectful way to do
it. It’s never actually revealled whether Gambit and Mystique fucked,
but otherwise it’s a Fan Fiction Friday arc.

3. M-Day depowers most of the world’s mutants. The remaining mutants
camp out at the Xavier Institute. Then O.N.E. turns the Institue into a
reservation guarded by mech-suit Sentinels. All of these retarded
events happen near simultaneously. An anti-mutant militia made of
rednecks with shotguns and torches led by the lame Laepper Queen
somehow get past the Institute’s defenses and the Sentinels to acttack
the muties. The X-Men actually need help from Sentinels to scare off
rednecks. Polaris is the only X-Man depowered. She gets kicked out of
the mansion, since peaceful coexistentence between man and mutant
doesn’t extend to the mentally ill.

And that’s just part of it; be sure to read the whole entry, as well as Pancake188’s second place entry regarding Chuck Austen, who handed the X-arc just before this. As Evil Monkey Pope so eloquently sums up,

While Austen’s X-Men
was like accidentally slamming the door on your hand, Milligan’s X-Men
was akin to slamming your head repeatedly into the door until you
sustained brain damage.

Oh, Evil Monkey Pope. You had me at “evil brain slugs caused Jesus to be crucified.”