The Ballad of G.I. Joe Will Break Your Heart
If anything has made the G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie worthwhile, it is this video (yes, way more than my FAQ). It’s a Funny or Die song about what the Joes and Cobra troops do on their night off, and it’s funny/wacky/zany/whatever. But please check out this abbreviated cast list:
? Alexis Bledel as Lady
Jaye
? Billy Crudup as Zartan
? Zach Galifiankais as Snow Job
? Tony Hale
as Dr. Mindbender
? Vinnie Jones as Destro
? Joey Kern as Tomax and
Xamot
? Chuck Liddell as Gung Ho
? Julianne Moore as Scarlett
? Henry
Rollins as Duke
? Alan Tudyk as Shipwreck
? Olivia Wilde as The Baroness
…and more. This is fucking off the hook — and that’s before the cameo at the end, which propels this to the realm of masterpiece. But the important thing is that even if you liked Rise of Cobra, you can’t look at this list and honestly tell me the G.I. Joe movie wouldn’t have been 1000 times better with this cast. What could have been! The mind boggles. Hell, I can’t even read the words “Olivia Wilde as The Baroness” without needing to change my underpants. (Via SuperheroHype)
About The Author
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.