Things Peter Cullen Shouldn’t Say: And the Winners Are…

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?There’s one thing I’ve learned from this weekend’s TR contest, is that if Peter Cullen, the voice of Optimus Prime and owner of one of the most badass-sounding voices on the planet, knows about Topless Robot, he probably hates and fears us. After reading some 500 entries of things Peter Cullen should not say, many of them insanely disturbing, I really can’t blame him. We are a fucked up lot, and we should never, ever be allowed with 300 yards of Mr. Cullen. Seriously.

With so many entries (thanks for that, by the way!), it should be no surprise that I ended up with 40 or so entries, and three winners. Autoboys, roll out to the next page for some strangely dishonorable Honorable Mentions.

Here are the Mentions. You can decide how honorable they are.

Jacen said:

? Guess what… or who.. is riding my magic theme park rectum today? When done riding my rectum like a roller coaster, please purchase a photo of you or some other rider. All funds go to keeping my ass open.
? Hey, check out my bling-tastic truckballs!

DoctorSmashy said:

‘? I screamed as I climaxed, this would knock me out and I felt another one as my whole body was pressed harder by the swallowing pressure of the snake.
? “Ugh, Help, Ugh, Ugh, U..(gulp)” The throat muscles wrapped around my mouth to stop my cries for help.’
? Alright, let’s get this Poohkakke rolling!

Monty Prime said:

? “Anyone want to play Swift Sausage?”
? “egatro! Free my transformer pals or sufeer lead metal consequences!”

Zombie Wolfman said:

“Autobots, feltch out!”

smashpro1 said:

“I am standing beneath the enemy’s scrotum.”

Neodymium said:

“Beeend… and snap!”

McRo said:

Pick ANY line from ANY Soulja Boy song. Doesn’t matter which line and from which song, nobody can sound cool singing them……”Bitch I look like Goku.”

theV said:

“I’ve got a luverly bunch of coconuts, deedly deedly, there they are they’re standing in a row”

Streeaker said:

“I’m wearing my wife’s panties.”

Skirkster said:

“Hermione smiled at her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks.”

Matheyus said:

“I can also transform into a school bus, an ice cream truck, and an unmarked van with a puppy inside.”

mythbri said:

? (Singing) “Love me, love me, SAAYYYYY that you love me! Fool me, fool me, go onnnn and fool me.”
? (In a pageant) “I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as…”
? (In FFF) “Ugh, ugh, ugh!”

Henry said:

“Leia, your leather clad bikini lighten up my boron buttocks!” (Of course!)

Punch Yourself said:

Show me on Bumblebee where Megatron touched you.

Muad’Dib said:

“So this Rob guy wanted me to give you this shirt. The fembot on the front had such nice cans that I…..well anyway you’re not getting the shirt anymore.”

preacher23 said:

“Do you ever get… that not so fresh feeling?”

mrm1138 said:

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard/and they’re like, ‘It’s better than yours.’/Damn right, it’s better than yours./I can teach you, but I’ll have to charge.”

Goldwyvern said:

“And that was when I fell in love with Bonita.”

ghan said:

“I am cornholio! I want TP for my bung-hole!”

Nostromo’s Second Android said:

? “you are ALL banned from!”
? after joining the WBC, “God hates DINOBOTS!”

TrapJaw said:

“Hey kids, Optimus Prime here to tell you about a cool new club called NAMBLA, where we ‘transform’ relationships between men and boys.”

meatloaf76660 said:

“stick it in my pooper”

Admiral Rusty said:

? (Line of dialogue from Michael Bay’s Transformers)
? (Line of dialogue from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
? (Line of dialogue from Transformer themed Fan Fiction Friday entry)

FadR said:

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil. I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,as usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon,’ my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him…”.

nim_ak said:

? This is it megatron…one shall stand…one shall blow…
? Just because people are constantly riding inside us does not make us gay jazz…take off the chaps.

More mentions and the winners on the next page.


arthurdent said:

(Singing)- I called the witch doctor and asked him what to do/ and he said OOH E, OO A A, BING BANG, BADAWANA BING BANG, OOH E, OO A A, BADAWANA BING BANG BOOOM.

bluebird said:

? “Granted my fellow cilindrical pal, you can enter my dark caves of mystery”
? “Just turn around boy and let me hit that.
Dont be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick’s at.”
? “I’m a shaaaark! Suck my diiiick!”

mimic91 said:

You Deciptidouches are going down like the noobs you are. Optimus Prick is going to own you bitchez, and make you go crying home to your daddies, you gay wads!

TM2 Dinobot said:

Why am I s#!tting portraits?

Colby said:

Do you wish to see my Bakugan Collection? I have every Battle Brawler. I specialize in Aquos.

whatsmyhouse said:

I am going to come and burn the f**king house down…but you will blow me first.

zughammer said:


chokepoint said:

“Mesa day startin pretty okee-day with a brisky morning munchy, then BOOM! Gettin very scared and grabbin that Jedi and POW! Mesa here! Mesa gettin’ very very scared!”

Awesomecakes said:


Squiddy said:

“Mom! My Fleshlight is chaffing again!”

Hellhound said:

? “Daddy!Daddy! I wet myself!”
? “So, the last one to jizz on the cookie really has to eat it then?”
? “I have a Scrappy Doo/Jar Jar Binks fan-fic I’d like you to read.”

Old Fogey said:

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

Joe_Spence said:

(In Eeyore Voice)It’s Malignant

The Azure Crow said:

Arcee, Blackarachnia, come here. I’m filming a movie called two fembots, one energon cube

Aberrant0x7 said:

? “Bang! Pow! Zap! Comics Aren’t Just For Kids Anymore!”
? Stands in sunlight and rips open chasis: “I am the ultimate predator!” as he beings to sparkle
? I’m sorry Jazz, and I’m going to let you finish but Go-Bots was one of the best transforming robot cartoons of all time!”

Barry said:

? “Sam, genital warts rarely visits us at a time of our choosing…”
? “Upon learning the location of the cube, we thought that at long last, we had found the cure for our insatiable thirst for sodomy and statutory-rape of sexy-little wise-cracking high school boys… but we were already too late…”
? “This one time, my cousin and I touched wieners!”

And now for the winners.

Abraxas said:

“Gods, and the best part of it all was that her father’s sperm felt as good coming out as it was getting in!”

…and Abraxas wins for the most disturbing disgusting/sexual/foul thing that Peter Cullen — or pretty much anybody — could possibly say. I’m genuinely glad he didn’t think up anything worse than this, since I know he can. I’m also glad he finally won a TR contest so I can safely ignore his horrible, mind-flaying entries in the future without feeling too guilty.

Boredlizzie said:

? That is BULLSHIT! I did not hit her. I did NOT. Oh hai Soundwave!
? Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)”

I swear to Evil Flying Jesus, I was at about entry 350 when I got genuinely sad that no one was doing any The Room quotes. Then I almost instantly fell upon Awesomecakes and BoredLizzie providing them. Boredlizzie gets the edge for “Oh hai Soundwave!” plus the idea of Cullen singing a Lady Gaga song. I loves me some Lady Gaga, but there is nothing that woman has written that should ever pass Peter Cullen’s lips.

turnidoff said:

“Snarf, snarf! Oh Liono… SNEEARF!”

I hate you Turnidoff. The idea of Peter Cullen voicing Snarf from Thundercats makes me physically ill and incredibly angry. Literally. I’m mad at the idea, and I’d mad at you for providing it. I figure if your entry can actually affect me mentally and physically, you’ve earned a shirt. As always, thanks to everyone who entered, and if Peter Cullen or any of his family or associates are reading this, you have my utmost apologies. We mean no harm. Probably. Most of us don’t, at any rate.