Quantum Quest Is Important, Terrible

Yesterday I got a press release for a movie called Quantum Quest in my email. It sounded important. I mean, listen to this:

Quantum Quest is a sci-fi action film set in a scientifically accurate rendering of our solar system in 3-D stereoscopic.  Visually, the film blends computer animation with billions of dollars of fantastic images captured during recent NASA space explorations including the international Cassini Huygens mission. The audience is taken on a simulated solar safari, exploring the outer planets and moons of our solar system such as Titan, a moon of Saturn that has rainfall, rivers, and giant lakes of natural gas.

Nice, right? Oh there’s more:

Quantum Quest‘s A-list voice cast includes two Captain Kirks (William Shatner and Chris Pine), two Jedi Knights (Mark Hamill and Samuel L. Jackson) and two Darth Vaders (James Earl Jones and Hayden Christensen) – a first for Hollywood and a first for the galaxy.
…
It is the first time that NASA’s JPL has ever initiated a film project and the first time that famed Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first person to walk on the surface of the Moon, has participated in a feature film, lending his voice to one of the characters.

Sounds great, right? A NASA-sponsored sci-fi flick using actual footage shot in space? A massive cast of sci-fi and fantasy favorites? What could possibly go wrong? Let’s watch the trailer and find out.

Yes, Quantum Quest is fucking Delgo in space. Clearly NASA charged a hefty fee for use of its footage, because that’s the only way I can figure that the character animation is this crappy. Or maybe NASA has secretly built a time machine, and the movie had to test it by having all its animation done in Canada back in 1998. Here’s the plot, if you dare:

DAVE (Chris Pine) is a photon, a being of light, who lives in Sun City, located at the core of the Sun. Sun City is populated by Photons, Neutrinos, and Proton citizens, all living in harmony. Dave is forced from the Sun and drawn into an epic battle between THE CORE (William Shatner, the embodiment of the Sun) and THE VOID (Mark Hamill, the embodiment of nothingness, he is that which existed before the universe was born). Dave’s quest is to save his people, the Cassini Space craft, and ultimately humanity from annihilation. FEAR (Samuel L. Jackson), IGNORANCE (Tom Kenny), MORONIC (Jason Alexander), and ZERO (Doug Jones) seek to stop Dave from fulfilling his destiny

First of all, I like how the press release describes William Shatner not as playing the embodiment of the sun, but as the embodiment of the sun himself. That clears a lot of things up for me, actually. Second, if you make any work of fiction that includes a character called Moronic — and then choose to have that character voiced by Jason Alexander, you are an agent of Satan. Period. Third, holy fuck do I need a drink after just checking out the website. I have zero doubt some Senate committee member had to visit it, and then voted to immediately slash NASA’s budget. Frankly, I don’t blame him. I just wish I could lash out too.