Spider-Man Musical Songs: And the Winners Are…

?

These contests are killing me. Even the simple ones gets 500 entries, and since I’ve been allowing two entries per person, that’s 1,000 entries per contest. That’s why it takes me forever to judge these things, and that’s after I finally nut up and stop putting it off. Point is, I have no desire for chit-chat in these things anymore. So let’s just start with a brief ditty that was ineligible because it didn’t fit the rules, but is awesome nonetheless:

Tom Wu said:

Spider-Man, Spider-Man

Does whatever a spider can

Shitting webs

Eating flies

Lives a year and then he dies

Mentions n’ winners after the jump.

Honorable Mentions:

AwesomeSauceJames said:

Where the hell is my paycheck, sung by Stan Lee.

tasakeru828 said:

“Oh, Snap! I’m Falling For You (Gwen Stacy’s Theme)”

OnanRulz said:

“One Night in May,” the J. J. Jameson love ballad.

Steve C. said:

“Wrestling with Grief is the Toughest Wrestling Match of All” sung by Peter after finding out how he caused Uncle Ben’s death

N said:

“Did I Mention The Starving African Children,” sung by Spiderman.

j m said:

“Bye Bye Mr. Hostess Fruit Pie” sung by the entire cast as paid advertising.

atgdng said:

“Girl Falls from the Bridge” Sung by Gwen Stacy

RandomChance said:

“Baby Got Cat (aka, I Like Black Cats and I Cannot Lie)” sung by Peter to Felicia Hardy as he’s chasing her across the rooftops

Edman said:

“I’ll Never Eat Rice Again” – Peter after the death of Uncle Ben

The Great A’tuin said:

“Hey, This Is Spamalot, Right?” as sung by Ambush bug in full medieval gear

horrid said:

“You’ve got what I’m Kraven” – seductively sung by Kraven the Hunter to Spider-Man.

Dan said:

Give Me Something To Swing About – Spider-Man

SpiderHyphenMan said:

Title: “Dear Newspaper Critics: Don’t Forget the Hyphen or I Will Murder you with My BARE FUCKING HANDS!”
Sung by: Me
Yeah I’m in this thing. What of it?

Hezaa said:

“Eight Arms to Hold You (Down)” sung by Doc Ock.

Odemit said:

“Do The Doc Ock Rock” sung by Doc Ock and a bunch of random street dancers that come from out of nowhere.

DE12 said:

“Red or Blonde (The Choice)” sung by Peter Parker

Arsenal said:

May comes twice this year- Performed by Doc Ock and J. Jonah Jameson
How retarded are all the girls in the school that they can’t tell that this science geek is super ripped and super cool- Sung by Peter Parker

Bunche said:

“The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Ditko Weeping.”

mrdrow said:

Bonesaw (Is Ready) sung by Bonesaw & Ring-girls

Schevia said:

“Out On a Limb (On a Grand Scale)” sung by Curt Conners.

Joe_Spence said:

? “I Don’t see how that’s my Problem” (Sung by Peter as robber takes off with Wrestling Producers money)
? “Now I see why it’s my problem” (sung by peter after said robber shoots uncle ben)

Roshambo said:

“My whole life is one big huge retcon.” -Sung by Parker during the epilogue.

Hellhound said:

“Not Defying Gravity” by Gwen Stacey

Dr. Love said:

“When will life start swinging…my way?” sung by Peter Parker as he walks through the school hallways getting bullied and laughed at.

Zeta said:

“I’m the Only Black Guy in New York” sung by Robbie Robbertson.

Capsulesn’Coffee said:

“I love U2.”
An arena rock love ballad sung by MJ to Peter after he confesses his love for her.

Robot Chubby said:

“The Rainbow Connection,” sung by the Green Goblin… in a rowboat… with a banjo.

Nohbody said:

“Got me climbing the walls!” Duet between Spiderman and J. Jonah Jameson

Major Tom said:

“Wake Me Up Before I Cocoa”-Swiss Miss

DarthBart said:

? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (I was Dead Before my Neck was Broke in Two) by Gwen Stacy
? Webs Were Made for Slingin’ But The Choices I Make Throughout The Play and How I React To My New Found Abilities Were Made For Close Examination By The Audience So That This Ballad, Which Is Actually Just Me Stating My Subtext Aloud To Swelling Violins, Is Made All The More Poignant By The End Of The Play, But Not Before The Climax. Yes, I’ve Made Up My Mind. I’ll Finally Do That Thing That The Audience Paid To See Me Do. by Spider-Man

Barry said:

“Spiderman, Anime; Anime, Spiderman” by Soulja Boy

brains76 said:

OK so damnit you want a Gwen Stacy song:
“Whoomp! There She Is.”

And the winners:

Asat said:

“It’s Raining Gwen (Hallelujah!)” But…not in a crass way. It’d be a
slow-tempo ballad in a minor key. About halfway through, you will sob
pathetically at the realization that even if Mark David Chapman were
paroled and given cab fare to Bono’s house, it would still be too late.

It took all my willpower to only pick one “Gwen Stacy bites it” song.

Indil said:

“I Still Haven’t Found Where The Streets Got Stuck In a Moment That’s
Even Better Than The Real Thing Which Would Be Just A Normal Superman
Movie As Opposed To A Overly Hyped-Up Stage Musical And Oh God Let’s
Preach About Apartheid And Central America And Africa While We’re At It
And Forget About The Mysterious Ways Of Our Tax Evasion From Ireland And
Other Funny Stuff All In The Name Of Love For a Superhero And Not At
All Because We Sold Out In The Late 90s And Just Want To Be Relevant and
Magnificent Until The End Of The World” – Duet By Macphisto and The
Swiss Miss

While I love this song for mocking U2, I’m not 100% sure I didn’t select it for the preposterously awesome typo of “Macphisto.” Seriously, I’ve not gotten the idea of a thick-accented, Scottish, kilt-wearing Mephisto out of my head since. Tell me he wouldn’t make Marvel comics like 900% better.

Now I know I said there’d only be two winners, but there was a gent named Paulms — who records under the name Mocha Lab, who actually wrote and performed his idea for a douchey song from the Spidey musical, titled “There’s Webfluid on my Headboard every Night.”  It’s on his MySpace page right here; go listen to it. Seriously.

I know, right? Blowing an entire day to write a song in the style of Bono about Spider-Man masturbating is as horrendously nerdy as it gets, and totally deserving of a TR shirt to commemorate his triumph and his shame. Thanks to everyone who entered.