?Rule 34 clearly states: If it exists, there is porn of it. And it’s true. Dear God damn my eyes, it’s true. I’ve inadvertently seen men peeing on stuffed Roger Rabbit dolls, men having sex while gulping down creamed corn, and a nude Meg Griffin from Family Guy sexually eating her mother. Forget the N-word in Huckleberry Finn, kids are getting warped by the internet on a regular basis.
So I’ve come up with a list of 10 things that I hope Rob never finds erotic fan fiction about. I KNOW IT IS PROBABLY OUT THERE. You don’t need to point that fact out (and most certainly you don’t need to link to it). But these are 10 that are so weird, so obscure, so sexually unappealing that I think would finally drive me insane, drooling and mumbling as I wander down the street with my bloody scalpels, trying to kill as much of humanity as I can before the cops take me down.
?He’s a protoplasmic blob. Most of the time, he looks like a lump of bread dough. Thing is, he’s smart and can mold himself into anything. He’s a member of the Legion of Superheroes, and there’s a ton of fanfic about them (I suspect, without doing much research, that most of them are about how the Legion auditions a new member who looks, acts, and sounds very much like the story’s author), so it probably exists, but…it’s a lump of dough. Really perverts? You can only get off thinking about a smart blob of dough?
9) Mrs. Potts and Chip
Anthopomorphic anything is creepy, let’s just get that out there. And yes, I’ve seen “erotic” scribbles of the cast of Beauty and the Beast. Thankfully, I missed the pics of Mrs. Potts and Chip, because they’re limbless pottery with human features. I don’t see how that can be erotic, especially since one has the voice of Angela Lansbury and she hasn’t been sexy since the early ’50s. The fanfic may be out there, but Rob, never stoop this low.
?Yup, people sexualize C’thulhu, the dark elder God who’s gigantic and tentacled and wishes only for the death of man. But have they gotten to Eon yet? He’s a minor character from Marvel history (hung out with Quasar, if that helps) and consists of a face with no eyes, a giant eye, and tentacles. IT’S SO EASY TO DO SOMETHING DIRTY WITH HIM. Except he’s like touching a big green tumor with centipede legs. I’m hoping no one has remembered him fondly enough to write a story where he bangs the Guardians of the Galaxy. If I’m wrong, I never want to know.
7) The Phantom of Krankor
Thankfully, a Google search turned up nothing for Phantom of Krankor fanfic, which greatly reduces the chances for erotic Phantom of Krankor fanfic existing. He’s the alien dictator from the awful Japanese sci-fi film Prince of Space that was torn to pieces on Mystery Science Theater 3000. He whines a lot, is portly, and has a pointy chicken nose. There is probably someone in the world who finds this sexy. I only hope this person does not have internet access. Haaww Haaww Haaww Haaww Haaww…
?Aha! You can’t write erotic fan fiction about Swarm, the Spider-Man villain, because he has no body! He’s just bees and a cape! Unless you’re talking about the Turn Off the Dark version, then he’s a guy in a costume that looks like a cinnamon bun. But he’s just bees! He has no orifices or solid protuberances! He’s just bees! Dear God, I don’t want to even imagine what porn with him would be like. Probably intensely uncomfortable to read.
Probably, somewhere in the depths of the internet, there exists a forgotten livejournal entry where someone tried to pour out their hearts about how much they loved the amazingly awful puppet voiced by Dom DeLuise from the 1992 bomb Munchie. It starred Loni Anderson, Arte Johnson, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, along with a puppet so badly articulated that he looked like he was suffering from a CNS disorder. Now, give that Dom’s voice and crank the volume and bad jokes to about 11 or 12. That sexy enough for ya? Do you hear me, internet? Never think of him in a sexual light ever!
?People often have a thing for Japanese monsters. There’s a ton of Godzilla porn out there. But how about a giant monster that has no visible sex organs and limited limb movement? Grottu was an old-school Marvel monster that was a giant ant. That’s about it, a giant ant. Can you think of anything dirty you can do with an ant the size of a ranch house? Yeah, I tried but was really stumped. At this point, I welcome perverts to write in with ideas for erotic fanfic featuring a giant ant, because I really can’t think of any.
3) Chris Gaines
Remember him? He’s the “hard rock” alter ego of Garth Brooks. I understand if people fantasize about Garth, because he’s a celebrity, not entirely unattractive, and a country singer who gets America’s feet stompin’. But Chris Gaines? Please, America, I still have faith in you, despite the fact that while writing this article I discovered that Paul Blart, Mall Cop, fanfic exists. Don’t stoop so low with your sexual fantasies that you need an edgier version of Garth Brooks. The real thing is good enough.
What would cause someone to look at South Park‘s manbearpig and say, “Boy, I find that sexy”? What kind of life choices have you made when reading about manbearpig having sex is the one thing that gets you off? Why would that be the one trigger that finally gives you satisfaction? I hope, for the sake of the world, that manbearpig never makes it to FFF, since that means that the Antichrist is alive and has a blog.
1) Lee Iacocca
?Rob, I ask you, as your friend, please never feature fanfiction on Topless Robot that stars former Chrysler CEO Lee Iacocca. I’m sure it’s out there, hidden in some dank basement where the sun has never shone, but when I click on TR‘s Fan Fiction Friday, I think I’m pretty much used to the idea that I’m going to be reading about pre-teen apes from a video game getting it on. My little world would be crushed if you ran a story where pudgy Lee Iacocca gets his swerve on. Seriously, Rob, my brain would crack
[Ed’s Note: What about you guys? What characters would you most hate to see in FFF? I’d like to know… so… I can avoid them. Yeah. That’s the ticket. –Rob]