7 Things About the Halo Universe That Make No Sense

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?Microsoft and Bungie’s Halo franchise has sold more games than Jesus (seriously, that guy made like, zero videogames). Halo also almost single-handedly made the Xbox successful, irrevocably changing the modern gaming industry. And Halo is also one of the most most popular and loved videogames series in existence.

What Halo is not, however, is a series that makes perfect sense. Yes, the Master Chief and his war against the Covenant and Flood has millions of fans and thousands of passionate defenders, but there are more than a few things about the universe presented in the Halo games that, well, just stretch the limits of logic… even for a sci-fi videogame set in the 26th century. Obviously, we’re not saying the Halo games are bad — we’ve played far too many hours to argue that (and besides, there’ll be a few Halo haters in the comments to take care of that for us). These are just some of the goofier things we noticed while we were playing those far too many hours.

7) What Plasma Grenades Will and Won’t Stick to

Like most weapons of the Covenant, the aliens re-engineered plasma grenades from poorly understood Forerunner technology. So they get the plasma grenade and find out it sticks to… whatever the hell decides to stick to, and the Covenant say “That’s good.” I would hate to the many hilarious accidents that occur during basic training. Presumably the plasma grenade has some sort of “special mechanism” like a computer system or mini A.I. or ferret-bot or whatever inside of it that decides the cold hard object in front of it is indeed a vehicle and not a sculpture, and thus deserves to blow up. Or that humanoid object is a human being and not a scarecrow.

6) Why Spartans Aren’t Heavy as Shit

The MJOLNIR VI powered assault armor weighs nearly half a ton. One would think that this would cause problems. Master Chief, for instance, can sit in a Warthog without the suspension giving out or riding very low on his side. Spartans can walks across muddy wet areas without sinking in up to their knees. When jumping, Spartans almost seem to be suspended by the wings of tiny fairies rather than be held down by plates of dense material, considering they float. Also, if you manage to jump on a grunt’s head, you don’t crush it like a tomato — which would be terribly fun to do.

5) Why Anyone Would Willingly Use a Warthog

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?The Warthog is a backbone of the human military and I have to wonder why. It leaves you open to fire, is unwieldy and easily rolls over. It is almost as if the owner of a future car company had some deep contacts in the UNSC and re-purposed an all-terrain vehicle with a history of recalls for rollover accidents. In addition to being about as stable as Charlie Sheen, the vehicle has little to no armor. Especially in the case of the turret gunner, who not only has the unfortunate unarmored “shoot me in the face” position on the vehicle, but would be crushed to death on the first of many roll-overs. Actually, being in a standing position with the vehicle bouncing around all the time, the gunner should really be screaming the whole time and spinning wildly.

4) Why Anybody Left the Flood on the Halo Rings

In Halo: Combat Evolved, the humans, thinking they are trying to find a stash of super weapons, open up some sealed rooms and unleash the Flood. Now, why the hell was the Flood even on the Halo ring in the first place? The most common explanation is that the Forerunners were keeping them there for research. That makes no damn sense. The Halo rings were built as a weapon of absolute last resort. It’s sort of like if you were diagnosed with skin cancer and the doctors removed almost but not quite all of the cancer, leaving what was left for “research.” You would think that, in the case of the Halo array, if you were to construct a device that kills every intelligent creature in the galaxy, you would maybe want to skip the research on some flood spores and wipe out every last bit of those little bastards.

3) Why Human Weapons Haven’t Advanced Significantly in the Last 500 Years

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?The setting for Halo is in the 26th Century, yet human beings are still using weapons machine guns, pistols, and rocket launchers. What? If there’s one thing human beings are good at, it’s working on new and exciting ways to blow up their neighbor. I just don’t believe that we as humans would be so behind with weapons technology. I mean, in the 16th Century, the most powerful weapon was the cannon, which could put a good size hole in a castle wall. In the 21st Century the most powerful weapon is the hydrogen bomb, which can put a good size hole in the planet. I would think that humanity in the 26th century would have a tiny pistol that, with one shot, cover the Elite’s homeworld in angry bees.

2) The Existence of Civilians

Excuse me, but why are there any civilians whatsoever? In Halo: Reach, you find unarmed hipster civilians running around New Alexandria being completely useless, which you can’t shoot for cowardice because you apparently have Robocop’s Directive 4 built into your Spartan system where you kill yourself if you hurt one of the rejects from Urban Outfitters. If I’m not mistaken in the Human-Covenant war the Covenant were not only winning, but turning human colonies into glass. Why the hell isn’t anyone who is old enough to shout “Kill ’em all” not armed with a weapon and out in the front lines? I would think you would get your mother, your father, your grandfather dropped off from a pelican, rifles in hands, shooting as many Covenant as possible.

1) The Cutscene at the End of the Cairo Station Mission on Halo 2

I know the Master Chief’s primary trait is that he’s supposed to be lucky, but COME ON. Chief manages to get propelled out an airlock from a station where it’s high enough in orbit to stay Geosynchronous orbit without falling, but just low enough so the vertical propel of the Chief out the airlock will not sent him into an orbit, but send him into a downward arc. Then, also, the Chief just kinda “guesses” that he’ll land on a Covenant battlec-cruiser, narrowly missing hitting an energy beam which destroys a frigate. Further, he manages to make it through a hole in the cruiser made by two broadswords, Falls in right next to the main generator, then he sets a bomb and manages to get enough motion with the kick of his legs alone from a floating bomb to get clear of the explosion. THEN he just manages to land on a friendly cruiser instead of falling into the Earth’s atmosphere with Cortana chastising him the whole time. To recall — fly out an airlock — miss getting blown up by giant energy beam — fall through hole in cruiser — set bomb — manage to get clear using his legs — land safely on cruiser. REALLY?