Japan’s Revenge for Akira: And the Winners Are…

?Three things:

1) There were some really, really great entries this contest, and many of you were very emphatic about who should win. This means I will be disappointing and pissing off many people with these results. My apologies.
2) As I predicted, the line between “awful” and “actually kind of awesome” was dangerously thin, and crossed over repeatedly. I had intended to divvy up the HMs into both categories, but judging this shit takes so much time that I quickly gave up on that idea. So many of the HMs contain awesome ideas. The winners all make me cry, though.
3) You can blame Ksa Otaku for the terrifying “Love Henson” idea and pic above, by the way.

Shall we?

Honorable Mentions of the awesome and awful variety:

ashlandateam said:

The Passion of the Christ: Dogoo Girl.
Same principle as the original, except instead of a Jewish carpenter turned rabbi, it’s the girl with magic breasts dying on the cross.

PCF said:

Japan should adapt the upcoming Captain America movie. There they will make him female and add 4 other team members based off countries (Japan, France, Russia, and Kenya). Also, there will be giant combining robots and an evil organization that sends monsters one at a time. Waitaminute, this sounds familiar…

wh1temage said:

G.I. Kamikaze.

ItsTheRocketeer said:

Spider-man reimagined as a yaoi mag for girls where Peter is afraid to admit his love for his pal Harry. Little does he know, Harry’s father Norman, in his persona as the Green Goblin, is in love with Spider-man and tries to make love with him at every chance.
Sex, web shots and pumpkin bombs ensue.

Matt Wells said:

Mickey Mouse + Bugs Bunny: Super Galactic Legend Exploding Violence Sodomy Tentacle saga!
Forbidden love of Mouse and Bunny symbols of Yankee imperialist culture: Z chapter!
Yes that is the full title. Imagine basically, you good old average tentacle hentai, with a dose of yaoi between the greatest cartoons in Western culture. Throw in some magical girl transgenderism between out two heroes, each episode ends typically with our plucky heroes transforming into 13 year old sailor scouts, before they are violated by horrible tentacle beasts.
Somehow this saves Tokyo from the monster of the week.

andy said:

Scoutfather – The tale of the sailor scout families in New York. The young sailor scout Usagi returns from serving her country and must take the reins of power over her families Yakuza empire. Using her Counsel of the Moon which is led by her talking cat consigliere, her various scout associates cutely whack any person that gets in the way of Usagi Tsukino becoming Scoutfather.

Meekrat said:

DuckTales: The Anime
Uncle Scrooge is muscle-bound with a giant sword. Huey, Dewey, and Louie are sentai with all that entails, and also teenagers. Webby is a female ninja duck, and also a teenager. Launchpad McQuack is basically Jet from “Cowboy Bebop”.

TheRam said:

Gone With the Wind – Bukkake

Fanboy said:

I know it probably won’t mean as much to many nerds as some of these other properties but…the Scott Pilgrim series of graphic novels. Take all the clever writing, fun, interesting characters, and surprisingly deep themes of change and learning from mistakes away, and make it just another generic shonen manga. With extended training sequences. And 100+ chapters to tell the story originally told in just six books.

jason said:

Irresponsible Captain Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds a is beautiful, androgynous 15 year old boy with pink hair who, through a series of high stakes games of Yu-gi-oh becomes owner of Supaa-Transformation Iron Bug Serenity — a mysterious ship built by mysterious aliens. Together with his all female crew of cock-teases and his trusty blade-gun, he combs a thousand galaxies in search of adventure, treasure, and a good game of Yu-gi-oh.

Johnathan.Ender said:
Super Sentai Seinfeld

Dispatched from their secret diner base in Manhattan, Red Jerry, Pink Elaine, Blue George, and Yellow Kramer battle the evil forces of THE NEW-MAN and his midtown monster army: the sonic-blasting CLOSE-TALKER, the impenetrable BUBBLE BOY, and the invisible ART VANDELAY. But when the team combine their powers, they get added reinforcement from THE PUDDY-ZORD.
SUPER SENTAI SEINFELD! The masters of their domain!

Ezkiel Light said:

Charles M. Shultz’s Peanuts. 😛
Daisuke Brown is the ‘daisuke brown-iest’ mecha pilot at his high school. He and his mecha, Blockhead, are the laughing stock of his school….and baseball team. But that all changes one day when an alien lifeform known as S.N.O.O.P.Y. lands in his back yard and becomes his pet….and can combine with Blockhead to become the most powerful mecha in the universe!
Now, Daisuke Brown and Snoopy are the last hope of Japan as the invading ‘trumpet sounding aliens’ land….wanting total dominance. And up until this point he thought his biggest problem was asking Androgynous Peppermint Pei to the Cherry Blossom festival, and avoiding Psychic Lucy and her ninja bodyguard Blan-kai Linus!
So don’t let the American football be pulled out from under you this fall when PEANUTS GX! hits Nippon airwaves.

ob1quixote said:

A shot-for-shot remake of Roots with an all Japanese cast.

DoctorMiguel
said:

The Good, The Bad & The ??
Three high school cheerleaders, Blondie/Tuco/Angel Eyes must both work together and independently to find the gold that will keep their school open.

zombies8myballs said:

Why not go all out and turn GI Joe into a Pokemon collect them all type deal you know what’s up. Pokejoe or Cobramon, something like that. The trainer summons a Joe or a Cobra for battle but gets a literal translation of their code names as monsters. Some Joe and Cobra monsters would be easy to design, Snake Eyes and Cobra Commander seem pretty self explanatory but I can’t wait to see what those wacky designers come up with for favorites such as Beachhead or Snowjob, tons of fun for everyone fuck you Hasbro.

YJ21 said:

Old Yeller, now called “Super Delicious Shiny Happy Ultra Fun Meal Time” tells the story of a poor family that lives in the Japanese countryside. The oldest son, Trav,discovers a three-headed Canine demon with 8 intertwined tentacles for a tail, named Old Yeller (. He is called that because he is over a thousand years old and has the power of a sonic screech that unleashes the souls of the damned to torment his enemies. Trav and Old Yeller have many adventures fighting other demons, until one day it is discovered that Old Yeller had raped Trav’s sexy large breasted mother, and young nubile sister with his tentacle tail reproductive organs while under the hypnotic influence of another demon, RayBs. Famous quote from the movie, “No Pa, he’s my dog, it is my honor to cut the roast.” which Trav proceeds to do with a samurai sword. The whole family eats Old Yeller’s body and are imbued with demonic powers of their own. At the end of the movie it is revealed that Trav’s mother and sister are both pregnant. His sister gives birth to Old Yeller’s Son, Savage Sam. Trav’s mom gives birth to the reincarnation of Old Yeller’s demonic soul, now called Young Yeller.
The sequel is called “Super Delicious Shiny Happy Ultra Fun Meal Time Part 2: Very Honorable Second Serving”

Master Splinter is disappoint said:

MOTU: a card game within an Anime.
the main character is called Adam and he goes to high school where the MOTU game is popular among the students. Most of the series is your standard moeblob crap of these days with a MOTU themed cardgame thrown in at the last second.
Season two is a brand new story with a Girl named Adora who uses a She-Ra deck.

L.S. Ramos said:

T-Back to the Future.
Once he gets control of the DeLorean, Marty jumps between points in time to steal the underwear of all the oversexed DD women he meets, but all of them are his ancestors. This doesn’t dissuade him though, since he wants to make a quilt out of all the underwear, although his preference is thongs, hence the title. Eventually all of temporal meddling results in him becoming his own grandfather, making a genetic paradox that can only be fixed by his sexually submissive great, great granddaughters who must track him down and collect an “unmodified” genetic sample that they can share with the future.
Marty’s mom, so smitten with him, ends up becoming a super-scientist and builds a time travelling super robot powered by breast jiggles. Once she finds out he’s her son, she only tried harder to seduce him.
It all culminates in a sexually playful hot springs scene full of embarrassing peeking and strained, shy declarations of love. Only Doc, Marty, and three different Biffs are in that scene.

Kitty said:

Super Sailor Princess Robot Bride!
The Princess Bride… in High School!
Buttercup must choose between rivals Westley and Humperdink as her date for the end of year prom. However, if there is to be a prom she must use her super sailor-robot-princess powers to defeat the evils that wish to destroy the world. And who is the mysterious Man in Black?

deadbug said:

Gilligan no Island.
Gilligan is a shy, clumsy nerd and a bit of a shut in who has been hopelessly in love with his childhood friend and girl next door Mari- Anu. His best friend and boat otaku, the Skipper convinces him to confess his feelings during the boat tour during the class trip. A sudden typhoon strands the class on a tropic island. Along with him is Sensei, the science professor, Torustan the haughty and cool wealthy heir and his fiance Lavee the rich and snobby student body president. Gilligan’s heart is torn by the last castaway Jinja, aspiring pop star and school idol. We follow these characters as they learn that despite our differences we all are just stranded together on this planet, looking for love and acceptance.
This ruins American’s Gilligan’s Island, because this one will be good.

Vaschon said:

Knight Rider – DBZ style.
Every 60 minute episode would consist of 10 minutes of recapping the previous episode, 5 minutes of opening credits, 5 minutes of closing credits, and 10 minutes of previews. That would leave about 15 minutes per episode to tell the story of the man in the Member’s Only jacket and his talking car. The hated Super Pursuit Mode of the series now becomes KITT lvl 2, with more levels meaning more fins and expanding shit coming out of the car. Michael’s jacket changes color with each leveling up. Every showdown with Goliath or KARR would result in another transformation (and unlock another color for Michael’s jacket). Oh, and Bonnie / April are underage with super annoying voices and Devon routinely molests them.

MechaCake said:

THE END OF SCOTT PILGRIM
Directed by Hideki Anno.
Scott Pilgrim is an emotional trainwreck and a whiny bitch. The apocalypse happens and everybody literally turns into orange tang. The ending is just Scott choking Kim Pine.
All of this is done completely without humor. And every single character is ridiculously whiny, pretentious and overemotional.

rickicker said:

The Graves of Caring
Basically, this is a “Care Bears” OVA set up exactly like “Grave of the Fireflies”. As kids grew up and stopped caring, Care-a-Lot is destroyed by the war with No Heart, leaving only Baby Hugs and Tugs as survivors to wander the Earth. Eventually, they both die out of starvation, Baby Hugs dying first of course. Tugs dies second in the snow with his sister’s ashes in a heart-shaped jar. Cold, ragged, and alone.

Punch Yourself said:

Back to the Futunari Trilogy…I really don’t want explain this one.

King Psyz said:

Law & Order: Akihabara Gore Patrol
Det. Munch will be a Ganguro with Vagina Dentata and is undercover for the SSVU (Super Sexy Victims Unit) who will use her… “gift” in the interogation room as often, and as bloody as possible.
Det. Oliver Benson will be an effeminate yet androgynous type with large spikey hair and a penchant for zippers, chains, pockets, and buckles. They will brood endlessly about the strugle of life and how they’re he’s vital to the safety of Akihabara.
The role played by Ice-T, senior detective Tutuola will be played by a talking animated cat…
Phoenix Wright is now the DA and gets nearly every case dismissed for contempt of court.
Captain Cragen is actually a 12 year old girl who turns into the grizzled old Man everyone thinks she is when she gets wet, and visa versa.
At least once a month the five of them have to use their power suits and join foces to fight a Kaiju monster of the week, usually a balding middle aged pedophile with magic tentacles for genitallia.
It’s a kids show…

The Douger said:

For a more Japanese experience, I’ve translated this from English to Japanese, then back to English:
SNOW WHITE RONIN
She is employed as a wealthy landowner, Snow White has seven samurai. Her stepmother (Queen), after speaking of the month, she is determined that an evil sorcerer retaliation must kill the southwest so that all of Japan’s most beautiful women. SW samurai’s in town while the queen, ninja stealth properties and violently raped SW, killing her in her own backyard.
Ronin, samurai now and should be considered an entrance exam to track SW to regain their honor killing assassin. The film follows the quest for blood revenge.
When they finally find the queen, to perform the acts they do not please say so and she finally behead her and her guards.
Samurai knows that killing the queen is dead hanging in their honor not. They do not kneel in front of each other, and then commit suicide en masse.

Dr. Insomniac said:

The Wire – But as a yaoi series.
– All of the male characters get replaced with effeminate Japanese men (yes, even Landsman).
– Kima, Rhonda, Brianna, and the rest of the female cast don’t exist. Snoop gets turned into Marlo’s uke boyfriend.
– Omar is now a pale, white-haired high schooler that crossdresses during heists.
– The drug trade doesn’t involve actual drugs, but magical aphrodisiacs that make gay sex awesome.
– Oh, and Bubbles now likes teenage boys.

Anoniguy said:

Tiger Breakfast! Calvin and Hobbes as a homosexual highschool romance with supernatural elements. A weekly comic published in a popular shounen-ai magazine.
Calvin is a small and androgynous junior in high school, and carries an incredibly detailed ball jointed doll he named Hobbes. When no one is around, the doll can speak and move. (Also, he is a human – the only ‘tiger’ aspect of him would be his stripey suit or shirt). Hobbes is definitely the top in the relationship and is rather abusive – hitting Calvin, making fun of his meager height, and asking him to perform inconvenient or embarrassing tasks that make people doubt the boy’s sanity. But once in a while he would do something to show he cares after all.
There would be at least one graphic sex scene in every volume. There’s a sideplot where Hobbes has an affair with Susie’s toy Bun-san.

chutup said:

A Song of Ice and Fire – the Anime
Actually, it’s really good. The Berserk-inspired visuals fit perfectly with the story’s tone, and for the most part the Japanese writers do a good job of rendering the characters. You actually get hooked into the series and start to enjoy it.
That’s when the revenge begins.
Realising that they are rapidly catching up with the glacial pace of Martin’s writing, the anime producers make the decision to slow down the series with filler episodes. At first it seems harmless enough – there’s an omake episode where Jon Snow gets a nosebleed after seeing Ygritte in the shower, and another where Arya inexplicably rescues a talking panther from hunters. Then they get into the pointless backstory exposition, including at least one episode dedicated to each of Walder Frey’s children and grandchildren. The absolute nadir is probably a five-episode arc where Sansa and Tyrion go on holiday to the beach.
The final revenge? George R. R. Martin dies shortly after completing A Dance With Dragons. The anime writers make up their own conclusion, and for the rest of time this is the ONLY canonical ending to the saga.

Drunken Gator said:

Here’s one I’m surprised no one’s gone for yet:
Apocalypse Noh. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noh) Imagine all the madness Coppola gave us boiled down to a ky?ran mono play, with Willard as a ronin and Kurtz as an Oni. They timeshift it to 14th century Japan, not only screwing up the concept, but making something for David Lynch to say ‘WTF, mate!’

Murphy’s Law said:

Boxcar Children.
In this dark anime, very roughly based off the beloved series by Gertrude C. Warner, four Japanese school girls are molested on a train and the molester was never caught. The memory of this moment haunts them into their early teens. Until they’ve finally cant stand the idea that the molester is still out there. So they begin to train and master the art of conventional weapons. Ira, the sassy one, quickly masters the art of the gun sword. Morrigan, the techy, builds a power suit that shoots phallic missiles. Kim, the youngest, masters the art of towel whipping. Lastly, Kira, the busty one, becomes their leader and masters the art of cosplay. They spend the series seducing molesters to them on trains then violently killing them. However, they discover there is a man known as Long Fingers, who is the king of all the molesters and they must track him down and destroy him to save Japanese girls from train molesting forever. They soon discover that Long Fingers is the man that molested them…
I figure this anime can go strong for about 25 seasons.

Melody said:

Sentai Ryan Doki Doki Daisuki!
Adaptation of Saving Private Ryan, except It’s a light-hearted romp about a cute, quirky guy who is the only male in a platoon full of women! When both shy Hikari and the big-breasted Mika proclaim their love for him, Ryan must choose while concealing his secret–he turns into a woman himself every night, and the evil American spy Hanks is scheming to reveal it! Can Ryan work up the courage to confess his love, while protecting his secret AND fighting the evil American scum?

SafetyDance101 said:

The Japanese should make a Superman movie. That’s it. No tentacles, rape, femboys, mechs, busty sailor girls, panties, hentai, bukkake, harems, old perverts, moe, j-pop, engrish, karoke or other stereotypes. A palatable, not spectacular, boilerplate adaption. Just unambiguously set it in Japan, with an all Japanese cast. And when they are bitched at by the purists over the change in ethnicity/location, they can roll their eyes, sigh, and ask as passive-aggressively yet indignantly as possible in every interview they give what part of “Superman is an alien set in a fictional and maleable universe, not an ethnically representative real American in the real world” don’t they understand/are they needlessly getting up-in-arms over. And maybe throw in an American looking/acting/sounding villain (let’s go Doomsday for maximum stereotyping potential) and/or slap-stick-y sidekick (Jimmy Olsen in the mold of that McDonald’s guy in their ads from a while back) who is used to represent how generously inclusive the whole project is.

TheProperVillain said:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy, wanting to please her family and teachers, stays adamant about attending class and ignoring her slaying duties. Gone are the pop culture references and monster fighting, instead we have a show about a girl sitting at a desk studying for 30 minutes only to be broken up by attending the weekly 13 minutes of funerals of those who she was meant to save.

Carnivorous Bee said:

Japan can do an anime of the NFL. Each team will have home-team
advantages based on their specific mascot. For example the Chicago Bears
have hidden bear pits, the The NY Giants are juiced out on extreme
growth hormones and the Denver Broncos are a mounted unit. Sound
awesome? Its not. The entire thing is animated Inuyasha style with still
frames of the quarterback throwing the ball and receiver catching it and
absolutely no detail. Oh and since its made in Japan all the players
will be voiced like surfers or cowboys, and all the black players will
be terrible, terrible stereotypes.

One thing about Carnivorous Bee’s entry — although the Inuyasha treatment is annoying and the racism is bad, the basic concept is pretty good, and could actually air on Saturday mornings on ESPN. Frankly, I’m surprised the NFL hasn’t thought of this already.

But Bee’s entry made me reazlize if there is one property that Japan could fuck with that would actually drive most of America insane with gibbering rage, it would be the NFL. Seriously, there’s no book, movie or property that’s even close to as popular as pro football, so if Japan did make an NFL cartoon, its very existence would get massive coverage in America. So how could Japan twist that? Bee’s on the right track, but it shouldn’t be an action show — it should be like Hetalia, where every team is represented by one pretty boy bishonen, and they all hang out together to get in stupid comedy situations and flirt with each other. Seriously, the moment a clip of airs of the Pittsburgh Steelers boy and the Baltimore Ravens boy wrestling until they end up almost mouth-to-mouth, you would be able to hear the screams of American NFL fans all the way tp Tokyo.

Anyways, now for the winners — again, this was extremely difficult. I upped the winners to three — I wish I could give out more shirts per week, but I only have a certain amount per time period, and then I’d just end up having to have weekends without contests. I much prefer to spread the love. 

Hungry Donner said:

Mobile*Armored*Sardonic*Hawkeye
Join the adventures of Hoake Ai Piasu and his squadron of plucky buxom
nurses as they valiantly fight the communist threat during the Korean
War:
Bije Hanikato, childhood friend and confidant
Hoto Ripusu Horihan, ninja master
Sister Marukei, a troubled nun here to fight to dark occultists of Kim Il-sung
Winchesuta^3, cybernetically enhanced prepubescent super-computer
Kuringa, the corporal with the very special secret

MASH is hardly on the forefront of the public consciousness anymore, but it’s still one of the most beloved shows of all time. Turning a dramady into an action comedy doesn’t sound that big a deal, but I truly feel a lot of people would get up in arms over this. And I’m sorry, but I love the title.

skrag2112 said:

‘Super Happy Mystery 3000 Theater Go!’ Janitor Jiro Robinson is trapped
in space with his huge eyed, sailor suited robots Cro-san and Ken Servo.
They are forced to watch the most gut wrenching guro and underage rape
animes imaginable. The opening shows them running endlessly through
falling petals. The theme, tranlated from the original Japanese goes:
“In a time near to us
soon to be here.
A man who is Jiro
Is like us but not.
He work for big company.
He do honorable work.
His boss hate him greatly
Into space he go!
We send him bad film
Of great badness.
We make him view with sad.
We look into his mind.
He not be able to make
Film begin or stopping.
He make robot friends
For to make him happy fun!
Go Go Robots!
Camera Bot-san!
Gypsy-san!
Cro-san!
Keeeeeeeeeeen! Hikiba!
If you think how he live
Without science and love.
Repeat. I must watch show
With happiness and good.
Is Super Happy Mystery 3000 Theater Go!

A show about people who watch scat porn and rape hentai probably wouldn’t happen on Japanese TV for obvious reasons (straight-to-DVD? Sure!) but this still hurts. Did I give extra points for the theme song? You bet your ass I did.

Mech5 said:

????! (Furama!)
Average high school student Phil Fry is trapped in a cryogenic tube and wakes up in the year 3000. Only the setting is at New New York High School, with Leela and Amy being cute schoolgirls competing for Fry’s affections for no particular reason. Zoidberg is now a cute mascot crab creature owned by Amy. Farnsworth is Fry’s perverted homeroom teacher.
Space hot springs! Space festivals! Space awkward love confessions mixed with Fry seeing Leela and/or Amy naked at least once a week!
Furama!, the new love comedy, coming to AT-X in the near future. Animated by Studio Deen.

Turning Futurama into a generic harem anime? THAT STINGS. Of all the entries, this seemed the most plausible — and thus, the most terrifying. I can far, far too easily see this actually happening in my mind’s eye… which is why I’m having gin on my corn flakes this morning.

Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. You may now spew your venomous hatred in the comments.