What to Do After the Apocalypse, Sponsored by K.M. Ruiz’s Mind Storm: And the Winners Are…

?Looks like the Topless Roboteers will be safely occupied when the apocalypse comes. I asked for the ways you’d spend your time after the world ended, and you did not disappoint. Although I always tell you guys to read all the contest entries and not just the Honorable Mentions, I extra-recommend it this time — there were a few hilarious conversations in the thread, which are too hard and too long (that’s what she said) for me to post as HMs, but were cracking me up. Just sayin’.

Before we start, I’d like to thank K.M. Ruiz for sponsoring this weekend’s contest, and offering three signed copies of her sci-fi novel Mind Storm to the winners (they’re also winning TR shirts, but as I didn’t make them or anything, they’re slightly less impressive). If you didn’t win a copy, please head here to learn more about Mind Storm and read a small sample in gratitude for Ms. Ruiz’s generosity. And after that, you can read the Honorable Mentions and winners, located after the jump.

In the post-apocalyptic future, Honorable Mentions will roam the nuclear wasteland.

Ken_Shiro:

I would learn an unbeatable ancient Chinese assassination technique and roam the earth. Also to support myself, I would learn how to make denim, because denim and shoulder-pads will probably be the main currency.

Ridureyu:

And I would be his gigantic and powerful brother, find myself a really big horse, and CONQUER THE HEAVENS IN THE NAME OF THE KING OF FISTS…

…And do some knitting on the side to support Ken’s denim business.

DON’T YOU KNOW, KEN_SHIRO? STRENGTH (and knitting patterns) IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS WORLD NOW!

Mythbri:

I love how Joel would rent movies without shame!
As for me, my post-Apocalypse activities would include the following:

1. Looting the local bookstore. Cash is useless, high-priced coffee even moreso, but knowledge is forever!
2. Throwing all remaining watermelons off the roof of a high building, just to see them smash.
3. Beginning a quest to see if my favorite nerdy crushes survived the Apocalypse, and starting a harem (look out Bruce Campbell, Nathan Fillion, and Misha Collins. I’m coming for you).

Sean:

I would travel about the wasteland, breaking every misdemeanor law in the country. Public urination, drunken disorderly, noise ordinances, vandalism, etc. would all fall to my Dennis the Menace-like anti-social behavior.

Also, I would trap shoot every copy of every Michael Bay film out of existence. No future generation needs to *really* know what ended the world, after all…

astrolupine:

Act out George Lucas’ last wish and smash every copy of the Holiday Special with a sledgehammer, now that everyone else’s property is my own.

Jeremy:

I would find a horse, and I would ride through long desert roads from the east coast, to California, with Knights of Cydonia playing on continuous loop. Then, when the horse died, I would walk, with the end theme to fire red on continuous loop. Then, I would find shelter, and probably masturbate until I thought of something else to do.

Nathan Pease:

I would shamelessly steal all of Doctor Smashy’s witty comments and claim them as my own. “Hmm? What’s that? Yes, I did come up with the most awesome nerd answer. My name? Doctor Sm- Doctor SmaNathan. Yeah, that’s the ticket.” Who would I be talking to in this imaginary conversation? No idea. Methinks isolation has driven me mad.

Hollywood Black:

Since there’s no one left to judge me, I’d sail to japan to round up the surviving sex robots and just take it from there, probably eventually form them into a society with me as their king, until I’m inevitably overthrown and murdered. It’s how I wanted to go anyway.

‘Stater Nuts:

FYI: Nintendo recently confirmed they do indeed have an Official Zelda Timeline locked somewhere in their offices in Japan and America.

I would go to the NoA HQ and find the official manuscript to find out if my theory is the correct one. If I’m wrong, I’ll change it to the way it’s supposed to be. Then I’ll find some way to go to Japan and destroy the Nintendo of Japan building to eradicate any evidence to the contrary. Then, my theory will become the Truth.

Gen. Panic:

Live out every Star Wars fantasy of mine by re-creating famous moments in the movies for day to day activities. If I’m going to go insane from the lack of social interactions, it’s going to be full “Star Wars Christmas Special sounds like a good idea” insanity. Ones that come easily to mind are:

1) Turn Glacier National Park into a life size recreation of the Hoth Battle. Put a snow-speeder frame on an ATV and kill time by making sure
that the tow cables hit my life size AT-ATs and give the Rebel forces
plenty of time to escape!

2) Turn the California Redwood Forest into a Speeder Bike Course. Chase
down (imaginary) Imperials before they can get word to the Shield
Generator facility that I’m on my way to blow them up to allow the Rebel
Fleet to attack the Death Star. After the facility is destroyed,
celebrate my bounty of firewood by playing the drums on the heads of the
deceased with my (imaginary) Ewok pals.

3) Turn the Grand Canyon into a Death Star Trench (Trash) Run. Tape a pair of wings on an otherwise working plane (X-wing) and throw my trash out the plane. When Yavin Base asks me over the communicator why I’ve turned off my targeting system, I can tell them that the target isn’t much bigger that a womp rat, and that I’M LUKE MOTHERF*# *ING SKYWALKER.

Daniel Dean:

I would tour every major league baseball park like so many families have done, BUT, I would do so in a 66 TV Batmobile, and at every park I would fire up the PA system and shriek “YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”

Pnutmaster:

I’ll probably grab a pen and paper (or stone slab and stencil, depending on which technological age we’ve been sent back to) and write A List of Things I’d Do if Civilization Was Ever Restored.

That’s after I memorize the Bible in Braille, walk down the same road for weeks, hunt deer in Manhattan, slay dragons in Britain, go back in time (a couple times), ruin Kevin Costner’s career, defend a water supply in Patrick Swayze’s name, defeat the Ayatollah of Rock-in-Rolla, befriend a telepathic dog, play chess with a bust of Julius Caesar, and damn us straight to hell. But if I’m short on time, I’ll settle for delivering the mail, after opening it and planting it with Fan Fiction Fridays (transcribed from memory as only a victim could transcribe them).

Ashlandateam:

Because I was finally free of social norms, I would walk naked and poop in the streets. That’s all; just nudity and fecal matter. And I would be happier than I’ve ever been.

Nick Gaston:

Aw, all I’d do is draw big smiley faces.
On every continent.
Using ICBMs.

Troublemaker Loki:

I would Build a to scale replica of the labyrinth from Labyrinth, completely out of LEGO. Collecting the scarred radioactive mutants of the wastland as my goblins.

PrincessAdora:

There’s really only one thing to be done:

1) Go find Tina Turner’s Beyond Thunderdome costume in a Hollywood vault, Turner’s storage unit, Planet Hollywood, wherever..
2) Conquer New York (because I don’t feel like going to Australia)
3) Commence using Thunderdome to run post-apocalypic society
4) Only agree to stop if Snake Plissken can leave the Thunderdome alive (we are in New York after all)

TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES!!!!!!

Chyromaniac:

And when you’re ready to compete in Thunderdome, come on down to Chyromaniac’s Sports Mask and Pad Outlet, your home for the best in post-apocalyptic armor! We have a wide variety of sizes, from Master to Blaster- plus, spin the wheel and make a deal to win up to 25% off on all custom spiking, or Aunty’s Choice! Chyromaniac’s Sports Mask and Pad Outlet- Thunderdome Plaza Suite 21B in Bartertown! Two men enter, both men leave- with bargains!

Rose_Tyler:

If I am ONE of the last people on earth:
Carry a magnifying lens, drink tea, use an Oxfordian accent and be very clever. Convince people I am Sherlock Holmes brought to life in a woman’s body because of all the radiation in the air. Get people to do my bidding, and solve awesome post-Apocalypse crimes.

If I am the very LAST person on earth:
Put on a long scarf, a bowtie, a sweater-vest, horn-rimmed glasses, and pin celery to my jacket.
Say, “Something here doesn’t make sense. Let’s go poke it with a stick.”
Wait for The Doctor to come find me.

Scooter Atreides:

I’d use my time and newfound access to find out the truth about everything that the governments and other clandestine organizations around the world supposedly know: I’d go through the archives of the CIA, the NSA, the Mossad, whatever Russia salvaged of the KGB, Interpol, The UN, various secret societies, and finally, the mother lode: The Vatican Library!

Who killed Kennedy? Did aliens land at Roswell? Were the Soviets training psychic spies? What’s the REAL reason no one’s allowed on Mt. Ararat? What really happened to Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart? What actually happens in the Bermuda Triangle? Is there any solid evidence for the existence of Atlantis, Lemuria, or Mu? I may not be able to find the answers to all of these questions, or to the hundreds of others I’d spend my life investigating, but at least I’d know as much as the people who sought to keep the answers hidden.

Scortia:

My first trip would be to the nearest eyeglasses store to stock up on backup glasses before I end up like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

But as for the real answer. Well, as I imagine insanity would hit me rather quickly, I’d probably hide a bunch of treasure chests in several abandoned homes all over the country, maybe even the world. And then as I return to my starting point, my memory of the hiding places then gone, I would start searching houses and open up the treasure chests, make the “na na na NAAAAAAA” noise ala Zelda, then make a joke to the non-existent residents that I’m robbing them blind as I leave.

Tony:

I would spend my time trying to screw up the view points of future archaeologists or aliens as much as possible. Steve Buscemi’s well preserved body on a throne covered with jewels, Nicholas Cage in a Jester’s outfit, Michael Bay at the bottom of a out house (I know that last one isn’t much of a stretch from how we currently view him but why take any chances).

Guy:

I would dance if I want to. Since I’ve already left my friends behind.

Arivalscientist:

I would go to Rob’s place and get all the Torpless Robot shirts, thus cornering the precious Topless Robot shirt market and make the other survivors give me sexual favors and all their worldly possessions just for the mere chance of touching a Topless Robot shirt. Oh yes, bow down to me post-apocolypse plebians, bow down to the lord of the Topless Robot shirt!! Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Jedisilk:

Pending that I’m ONE OF THE LAST and not the last, I would deliberately miseducate the children to my skewed, nerdy viewpoint. Voldemort was the last president, Darth Vader VP, and River Tam was the Secretary of State. Serenity was the real Air Force One. And the C & C (yes I KNOW that’s the President) of the armed forces was Admiral Ackbar. The army’s motto is ‘ITS A TRAP”, the marine’s “We live for the one, we die for the one”, and the Air Force is “Space, the final frontier…”

So basically all the stuff we were teased for liking would be considered historical FACT post apocalypse.

Hostile V:

I’d wander around with the entire contents of a sperm bank mounted on my back in a giant cooled jug, wearing a biohazard suit, a gas mask and hand-mounted insemination set. I’d sneak from village to village, inseminating women in their sleep, letting the legends and the tales spread of my deeds. I’d call myself the Seed Giver, the sole force at work against the post apocalyptic tendency to inbreed and form giant clans of cannibals, passing the mantle to my own children. Eventually I’d start a fertility holiday along the lines of Christmas but with anonymous sex instead of presents.

And whenever a wife has a bastard child, the elders would just shrug and thank the Seed Giver for his gift.

Raymondthefrog:

First, I’d hijack one of those floating riverboat casinos. I would rig all the games heavily in favor of the players, and float down the waterways of America, lights flashing and music blaring, attracting customers to come and gamble… but only for one night, in the morning they’re gone. Everyone would win bucketloads of chips, but then… as they get ready to collect their winnings and disembark, my henchmen (yes, there would be henchmen) rob everyone at gunpoint. Then I come out from behind a hidden panel, laugh at them, and remind them that it’s the apocalypse and currency is worthless. They would go from apocalyptic despair, to joy, to mortal terror, back to despair again.

That’s right. I’d spend the apocalypse trolling fellow survivors.

Kevin Taylor:

I would BREAK ALL THE THINGS!!!

Slim Kram:

If I was the last man on Earth, I would rejoice because it would be just me and 3.5 billion women.

Then I would cry when I realized my chances hadn’t substantially improved.

un lapin:

As a librarian, I know that there is only one acceptable answer. I must wander the land, hunting down each and every library in the world that still uses the Dewey Decimal system and convert them to Library of Congress. Dewey was a lunatic who was obsessed with his own mortality, and browbeat the ALA into using his shitty system so he could leave a legacy, which I WILL DESTROY. YOU HEAR ME, YOU OLD BASTARD? THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR THINKING THE FUCKING ALPHABET WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

Also, I’d shit on the graves of every movie star I can find. Y’know, just because.

Zachary Walton:

I would teach myself programming and game design, grab a few other like minded people and continue the Fallout series just of spite. The one game series for anybody left on the earth is a post-apocalyptic RPG.

Vatea42:

I would go around pasting my pictues in all the history books and rewriting them with white out. When society rebuilds, future generations would believe I was an immortal who invented agriculture, built the pyramids, discovered vaccinations, single handedly won both World Wars for the USA and wrote the Harry Potter series. I would also credit my dog with creating Blu-ray. Also, future generations would believe the girl who picked on me all through school for being a nerd girl later was caught trying to sell out humanity to the evil aliens (whose invasion I foiled of course) and was executed by death in the government run mutant goldfish tank

Bazzzinga:

If I was one of the few surivors in a post apocalyptic world I think that everyday before my hearty dinner of roasted Giant mutated rat and urine recyc I’d thank God that I was just about able to climb into my lead lined fridge before the nuclear explosion, which protected me from the nuclear radiation, the intense heat and the massive blast wave which sent me hurtling at a hundred miles an hour into a ditch just far enough away from the blast to protect me from the nuclear fallout and without breaking a single bone in my body. God those fridges are amazing

Clockwork_Smurf:

I would win every ebay auction just to do it. Then I would hack every news site to make it look as though the Smurf Movie was the cause of the apocalypse to any alien species that eventually found us. Then i would spend the rest of my days arranging Smurf figures, Super Squad figures, and Jawa figures around world monuments, just because.

And now for the winners:

Rolandtower:

I’d go round training cats and dogs to be brutal fighters and use them to kill other animals. I shalt name myself Kamandi, the last pokemon trainer on earth

Why no nerd shirt-o’-the-day company has made a Kamandi/Pok?mon mash-up shirt yet, I have no idea. GET ON IT, PEOPLE.

Ken:

I would bitch about everything.

What can I say, I adore Ken’s simplicity. He also wins the “Most Likely How Rob Would Spend the Post-Apocalypse” award, too.

Kegs:

I’d walk down the long and lonely streets with a boombox… if I am the last person alive I’m playing “The Lonely Man Theme” from the Incredible Hulk… if I am merely the last man alive Im playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel.. hopefully the last woman will love this.

Well, with that plan, Kegs is either getting laid or just going to be awesome. He’s also getting a Topless Robot shirt, although that won’t help him get laid or be awesome. So really, in that sense, Kegs would be better off if the world ended. Oh well.

And that’s that! Congrats to all the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. And extra thanks to K.M. Ruiz for sponsoring this weekend’s contest — don’t forget to check out her sci-fi novel Mind Storm, available now! I think I have another sponsor for this weekend’s contest, and if it works out, I think it’ll be pretty cool. So don’t forget to stop by.